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Image of the quote is loading... SaveSave I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends. - Quote by Chelsea Handler

I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I’d have no friends.

Chelsea Handler
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Why are babies allowed to cry when they wake up, but adults crying when they wake is frowned upon? Babies are permitted to act like assholes whenever they feel like it and no one blinks...
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I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn't experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak.
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I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.
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My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister, whose identity I had stolen.
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I have a question. Is it okay to drink while you're pregnant...if you're planning on giving the baby up for adoption?
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The big one was at least cute, and as annoying as she was, you couldn't get mad at a golden retriever.
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I don't like to overdose. Call me old-fashioned.
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My mother is the antithesis of a typical Jewish mother, she is very soft-spoken and takes more naps that a cat. As a result, I've always longed for someone to really annoy the shit out of me.
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