Quotes by Television Hosts - Page 6

It's a funny thing about Americans, we love to bitch about paying too much for the things we really need and are really a bargain, like gas and postage stamps, but we willingly shell out outrageous amounts for unnecessary crap like gourmet coffee and soap to make your crotch smell good. Two dollars a gallon to go ten miles is too much, but five to the parking valet to go ten feet is okay.
Bill Maher
Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
Oliver North
When art sets racism in the past, no matter how good it is, it allows white people in the audience (and others) to say to themselves "Wow! That racism sure was bad way back then!" It's what happens when people go see 12 Years a Slave. My response is always, "Yeah, you wanna know another time when racism was bad? Earlier today.
W. Kamau Bell
Dan: 'Ah, well, I hope this didn't have anything to do with me.'Ellen: 'No, not unless you played Cat Woman in Batman.
Ellen DeGeneres
Life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The thing everyone should realize is that the key to happiness is being happy by yourself and for yourself. Happiness comes from within. You have the power to change your own mindset so that all the negative, horrible thoughts that try to invade your psyche are replaced with happy, positive, wonderful thoughts.
Ellen DeGeneres
I don't want to say Monsanto is evil right off the bat, but why is Monsanto so evil?
Bill Maher
Its hard to stay up. Its been a long long dayAnd you've got the sandman at your door. But hang on, leave the TV on and lets do it anyway.Its ok. You can always sleep through work tomorrow. Ok?Hey, Hey, Tomorrow's just your future yesterday.Tell the clock on the wall, "Forget the wake up call."Cause the night's not nearly through.Wipe the sleep from your eyes. Give yourself a surprise.Let your worries wait another day.And if you stay too late at the bar,At least you made it out this far. So make up your mind and say, "Let's do it anyway!"Its OkYou can always sleep through work tomorrow, ok? Hey, Hey, Tomorrow's just your future yesterday. Life's too short to worry about the things that you can live withoutAnd I regret to say, the morning light is hours away.The world can be such a fright, But it belongs to us tonight.What's the point of going to bed?You look so lovely when your eyes are red.Tomorrow's just your future yesterday.
Craig Ferguson
Passion is not a thing, it's a state of mind.
Mel Robbins
Better a live dog than a dead lion.
Paul Hoffman
New Rule: America has every right ot bitch about gas prices suddenly shooting up. How could we have known? Oh, wait, there was that teensy, tiny thing about being warned constantly over the last forty years but still creating more urban sprawl, failing to build public transport, buying gas-guzzlers, and voting for oil company shills. So, New Rule: Shut the fuck up about gas prices.
Bill Maher
It may sound like I am making too much out of all this, but the only way you can allow a kid to truly dream is if you expand their idea of what is currently possible. A kid who has nothing, sees nothing, and is taught nothing can only dream of breakfast. They can only hope to get to the next moment successfully. I want more than that for my kids...just like my mom wanted more than that for me. And I want them to want more than that too.
W. Kamau Bell
Surround yourself only with people who are going to take you higher.
Oprah Winfrey
We are oblivious to suffering. We are cheap with charity if it's not close to our home.
Bill Maher
Be kind to one another. Bye, bye.
Ellen DeGeneres
The Afghan government is as corrupt as a prostitute with a law degree.
Craig Ferguson
Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home.
Chelsea Handler
It 's the time of year when Canadians mate.
Craig Ferguson
People treat the present moment as if it is just a stopping point on the way to some great goal that will happen in the future, and then they are surprised that the long day closes; they look back on their life and see that the things they let go by so unregarded, the small pleasures they dismissed so easily were in fact the true significance of their lives- all the time these things were the great and wonderful successes and purpose of their existence.
Paul Hoffman
By the power of Steven Wright's Beard!
Craig Ferguson
My life is one long obstacle course with me as the chief obstacle.
Jack Paar
He is himself again, more himself than at any time on this Earth." Nancy Reagan on her husband
Bill O'Reilly
I think people are as individual as snowflakes, they kinda look alike but no two are the exactly the same, and all classification is the root of prejudice.
Craig Ferguson
I think comedy as an art involves the audience as a participant as much as is involves the artist.
Craig Ferguson
Please be a traveler, not a tourist. Try new things, meet new people, and look beyond what’s right in front of you. Those are the keys to understanding this amazing world we live in.
Andrew Zimmern
He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed.
David Frost
The Westboro Baptist Church is no more a church than Church's Fried Chicken is a church.
Jon Stewart
What a dire time to be attracted to men.
Kathie Lee Gifford
You're the right colour for the Angel of Death, Mister Cale. But a little short.' 'I could cut your head off and stand on it. Then I'd be taller.
Paul Hoffman
New Rule: You're never going to pick up women at a coffee shop pretending to be working on your laptop. You don't look like you're sensitive, you look like you're homeless.The last guy to pick up a chick with an Apple was Adam. And when you sit across from another dateless loser with a laptop, it still doesn't look like you're working--it looks like you're playing Battleship.
Bill Maher
Luck is when preparation meets opportunity.
Oprah Winfrey
My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.
Chelsea Handler
Why is it that when you wipe up dust its called dusting but when you wipe up a spill its not called spilling? Just something to think about.
Ellen DeGeneres
When I look at the future it's so bright it burns my eyes.
Oprah Winfrey
Guys, you should always fight the urge to put your mouth in gear before taking your brain out of park.
Dennis James
Lets build a happy little cloud.Lets build some happy little trees.
Bob Ross
After all this time I found that the novel is in fact punk rock.
Craig Ferguson
Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.
Chelsea Handler
That's what mild television fame is like: it's like walking through the world with your fly down.
Dave Holmes
Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck.
Craig Ferguson
Be out of the mainstream. I'm out of the mainstream. I enjoy it, who wants to be in the mainstream?
Bill Maher
You know what happens when windmills collapse into the sea? A splash.
Bill Maher
It's not a stereotype if it's always true.
Daniel Tosh
In the end, the greatest victory we can know is the result of all of our hard work, discipline, and dedication: the realization of our dreams.
Cheryl Burke
I personally like being unique. I like being my own person with my own style and my own opinions and my own toothbrush.
Ellen DeGeneres
Mathematician need only peace of mind and occasionally, paper and pencil.
Paul Hoffman
Curiosity is the ultimate power tool.
Roy Underhill
The world can be such a fright, but it belongs to us tonight.
Craig Ferguson
And just like that, as if I hadn't said anything at all, the ladies sprang into a conversation about the sinful nature the Jews possessed when killing their Lord Jesus. I didn't know if I was hearing this right because I had become so intoxicated, but I couldn't believe that anyone would talk about religion while on vacation. How could Miss Nebraska think this was a proper environment to discuss something so controversial? One woman went on to say that if she had her way not only would President Bush serve a second four-year term, but she hoped they would overturn Roe v. Wade. This woman was obviously a menace to society and needed to be stopped.
Chelsea Handler
I think that when you invite people to your home, you invite them to yourself.
Oprah Winfrey
If your Birthday is on Christmas day and you're not Jesus, you should start telling people your birthday is on June 9 or something. Just read up on the traits of a Gemini. Suddenly you're a multitasker who loves the color yellow. Because not only do you get stuck with them combo gift, you get the combo song. "We wish you a merry Christmas - and happy birthday, Terry - we wish you a merry Christmas - happy birthday, Terry - we wish you a merry Christmas and a happy New Ye - Birthday, Terry!
Ellen DeGeneres
Fascism is when corporations become the government.
Bill Maher
Life is not a one and done sort of deal. You've got to work for what you want.Picasso created nearly 100 masterpieces in his lifetime. But what most people don't know is that he created a total of more then 50,000 works of art. .. Thats two pieces of art a day. Success is a numbers game. You are not going to win if you keep telling yourself to wait. The more often that you choose courage, the more likely you'll succeed.
Mel Robbins
True love heals and affects spiritual growth. If we do not grow because of someone else’s love, it’s generally because it is a counterfeit form of love.
John Bradshaw
Do not fuck with gun nuts because they are nuts about their guns.
Bill Maher
Difficulties come when you don't pay attention to life's whisper. Life always whispers to you first, but if you ignore the whisper, sooner or later you'll get a scream
Oprah Winfrey
Kadafi is a zombie in a pillbox hat, that's what he is!
Bill Maher
Jesus is great -- is there a better role model? No. It's religion, it's the people who get in between -- the bureaucracy, you know. ... It's the way people abuse Jesus. Was there ever a greater victim of name dropping?
Bill Maher
DENIAL OF EMOTIONSOur culture does not handle emotions well. We like folks to be happy and fine. We learn rituals of acting happy and fine at an early age. I can remember many times telling people "I'm fine" when I felt like the world was caving in on me. I often think of Senator Muskie who cried on the campaign trail when running for president. From that moment on he was history. We don't want a president who has emotions. We would rather have one that can act! Emotions are certainly not acceptable in the workplace. True expression of any emotions that are not "positive" are met with disdain.
John Bradshaw
When you're a 20-something-year-old athlete and you're getting a six-figure check every week, you're not thinking about next week. You're not thinking, 'I'm going to be broke,' or 'I'm going to need another job.' But I'll tell you, there are a lot of broke athletes out there - I know plenty - and I didn't want to end up as one.
Michael Strahan
The Bible has been through at least half a dozen translations by the time you read it. Plus, when the word of God is infected by the hand of man, that is, written down, it is tainted.
Craig Ferguson