Quotes by Satirists - Page 7

They see nothing indecent in sexual intercourse, whether heterosexual or homosexual, and indulge in it quite openly, in full view of everyone. The only exception was Socrates, who was always swearing that his relations with young men were purely Platonic, but nobody believed him for a moment, and Hyacinthus and Narcissus gave first-hand evidence to the contrary.
Lucian of Samosata
The longer a person's twitter @username is, the harder it is to argue with them … on twitter.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Assuming that all ‘unschooled’ people to lack education is akin to assuming that a salary is the only means to make money, or, that a vagina or a penis is the only source of an orgasm.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Never judge the deeds of a starving man while you’re on a full tummy.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Books, the children of the brain.
Jonathan Swift
A soldier is a killer painted hero.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
To ask a man whether or not he has a girlfriend is to talk about his sex life. If you disagree with that, then how in the name of God do you differentiate between a man’s girlfriend and a girl that is a friend to the man?
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
To halve the number of times that other people hurt you: halve the number of expectations that you have from other people.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
diplomacy, n.: The patriotic art of lying for one's country.
Ambrose Bierce
Juice is a poor man’s dessert.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Mausoleum n: the final and funniest folly of the rich.
Ambrose Bierce
Some women have kissed—and some are kissing—a lot of frogs, even though the very first man that they have each kissed was and is still a prince.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Although every person makes mistakes, not every mistake makes a person.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Needs are imposed by nature. Wants are sold by society.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
We pay a person the compliment of acknowledging his superiority whenever we lie to them.
Samuel Butler
All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of every living organism to live beyond its income.
Samuel Butler
Political satire became obsolete when Henry Kissinger was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.
Tom Lehrer
Hope springs eternal in the human breast.
Alexander Pope
Here commences a new dominion acquired with a title by divine right.   Ships are sent with the first opportunity; the natives driven out or destroyed; their princes tortured to discover their gold; a free license given to all acts of inhumanity and lust, the earth reeking with the blood of its inhabitants: and this execrable crew of butchers, employed in so pious an expedition, is a modern colony, sent to convert and civilize an idolatrous and barbarous people!
Jonathan Swift
*Employee* is a label given to a creature that could not hold on to its dream.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Being shy is a symptom of a low self-esteem.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
An ignorant man who is regarded as knowledgeable by people who are more ignorant than him is still ignorant.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
When we see a good-looking woman with a not-so-good-looking man, we assume that the man must have a good bank balance. When we see a good-looking man with a not-so-good-looking woman, we assume that she must be good in bed.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Achievement: The death of an endeavor and the birth of disgust.
Ambrose Bierce
We hold that happenings which may even compel the heart to break cannot break the human spirit, or rob it of its most essential qualities.
May Kendall
Pactum serva" - "Keep the faith
Horace
Then marble soften'd into life grew warm.
Alexander Pope
A salary is, to a man's employer, what his wife's vagina is to his wife: a tool used to (1) reward; and (2) control him.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
As common as unplanned sex. As uncommon as a planned child.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Plants are more courageous than almost all human beings: an orange tree would rather die than produce lemons, whereas instead of dying the average person would rather be someone they are not.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
To be a better cook, cook more. To be a better writer, read more.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Every dog must have his day.
Jonathan Swift
Yet, Malice never was his Aim;He lash'd the Vice but spar'd the Name. No individual could resent,Where thousands equally were meant. His Satry points at no Defect, But what all Mortals may correct...Verses on the death of Dr Swift
Jonathan Swift
Know then thyself presume not God to scan The proper study of mankind is man.
Alexander Pope
I read recently that 60% of all drugs on the black-market had been put there by the police. No sooner are drugs seized, it seems, than they are recycled onto the streets by the arresting officers! I know our Leader, Mrs Thatcher, is in favour of private enterprise, but this is the free market gone mad!...Yours for the Market Economy Within Reasonable Limits!
William Donaldson
Some women sleep their way to the top. Most men sleep their way to the bottom.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
In case of doubt decide in favor of what is correct.
Karl Kraus
Human existence being an hallucination containing in itself the secondary hallucinations of day and night (the latter an insanitary condition of the atmosphere due to accretions of black air) it ill becomes any man of sense to be concerned at the illusory approach of the supreme hallucination known as death.
Flann O'Brien
Committees kill unconventional ideas for a living.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Not a few millions of parents strongly hope that their own children will step in by instantly becoming their own parents’ foster parents, if and when the parents reach their second childhood.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Our parents would not be ‘The best parents in the world’ (to us) if they were not our parents.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
I wish it I command it. Let my will take the place of a reason.
Juvenal
Instead of being regarded as intelligent or knowledgeable, many a woman would rather be regarded as beautiful or good in the kitchen; many a man, as handsome or good in bed.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Females and boys are the only creatures that propose others for friendship. As for the rest of us, friendship sort of just happens.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
The advantage of doing one's praising to oneself is that one can lay it on so thick and exactly in the right places.
Samuel Butler
Don’t obsess over having the 'latest' version of a product. For there was a time that the previous version was the latest.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
He who is jealous is better off not dating someone who is bisexual.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Wealth seldom fails to breed the fear of poverty.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Stupidity is an elemental force for which no earthquake is a match.
Karl Kraus
Most parents are not really ‘supportive’ because they want their kid(s) to succeed; they ‘support’ their kid(s) as an attempt to avoid appearing to have bred a failure, or, failures … in the eyes of their peers and/or neighbours.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Beliefs are conclusions reached by men who are lazy to think for themselves.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Most priests wish they were as righteous as they seem to most members of their congregations.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
A friend who cannot at a pinch remember a thing or two that never happened is as bad as one who does not know how to forget.
Samuel Butler
History was not simply a catalogue of the dead and buried and benighted, but rather a vast new world to be pioneered; ...if you approached the past generously, so to speak—its people as humans, not facts, as modern in their time as we were in ours, who thought and felt as we do, the dead would live again, our equals, not our old-fashioned, hopelessly unenlightened, and backward inferiors. Humanity, to be fully known, had to be seen as changeless as well as ever changing.
Tony Hendra
The feast of reason and the flow of soul.
Alexander Pope
12% of people marry because they are completely in love. 88% of people marry just so they are then liable for only half of their rent.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
There is a correlation between the number of days since a man last had sex, and, the number of women that he is convinced he is in love with, or, the number of things that he is willing to do for a woman.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
A prisoner is imprisoned by the crime that he has committed. A jailer is imprisoned — in the very same prison — by the employment contract that he has signed.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
All other goods by fortune's hand are given: A wife is the peculiar gift of Heav'n.
Alexander Pope
It was a music of the spirit, seeking peace, not emotional release, expressing the hunger of the soul rather than the heart. A way of sequencing notes so ancient it might be music's mother lode, its Fertile Crescent. It wouldn't have grated, I felt, on the ears of ancient Greeks or Egyptians or Mesopotamians or Sumerians—or even on the august auditory equipment of the Buddha or Lao-tzu.
Tony Hendra