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Quotes by Satirists - Page 19

Embryos think with each stage of their development that they have now reached the only condition that really suits them. This, they say, must certainly be their last, inasmuch as its close will be so great a shock that nothing can survive it. Every change is a shock; every shock is a pro tanto death. What we call death is only a shock great enough to destroy our power to recognize a past and a present as resembling one another.
Samuel Butler
Intelligence is a way of thinking, not a choice of words.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
With regards to getting laid and getting AIDS: Being interesting can be an interesting guy’s downfall.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Next o'er his books his eyes began to roll,In pleasing memory of all he stole.
Alexander Pope
Peter remained on friendly terms with Christ notwithstanding Christ's having healed his mother-in-law.
Samuel Butler
There was all the world and his wife.
Jonathan Swift
We are slaves whose masters are dead. For we are mostly controlled by doctrines which were established centuries heretofore.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
In love there are two evils: war and peace.
Horace
Huge biceps are an unattractive-uneducated-underpaid man's last attempt to be seen as worthy of dating, or, sleeping with.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
A person reveals his character by nothing so clearly as the joke he resents.
Georg Christoph Lichtenberg
Women and foxes being weak are distinguished by superior tact.
Ambrose Bierce
A murderer is a killer without a uniform.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
School forces unique individuals to think, act, and, look alike.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
The first springs of great events like those of great rivers are often mean and little.
Jonathan Swift
I wish I knew the good of wishing.
Henry S. Leigh
It is not the rich man you should properly call happy, but him who knows how to use with wisdom the blessings of the gods, to endure hard poverty, and who fears dishonor worse than death, and is not afraid to die for cherished friends or fatherland.
Horace
For forms of Government let fools contest. Whate'er is best administered is best.
Alexander Pope
Honesty's praised then left to freeze.
Juvenal
Put a thief among honest men and they will eventually relieve him of his watch.
Flann O'Brien
If being seen as worthy of employing is the best that school does for the schooled, then school is overrated.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
There are orphanages," he exclaimed to himself, "for children who have lost their parents--oh! why, why, why, are there no harbours of refuge for grown men who have not yet lost them?
Samuel Butler
Some kid asked what a dilemma is. And I replied: When a starving man has to choose between a plate of food, and, a roll of toilet paper.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Patriotism is the narcissism of countries.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Democracy means the opportunity to be everyone's slave.
Karl Kraus
The thoughts written on the walls of madhouses by their inmates might be worth publicizing.
Georg Christoph Lichtenberg
Not everybody that says that you suck is a hater. There are people who suck.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Man…who lives in three places – in the past, in the present, and in the future – can be unhappy if one of these three is worthless. Religion has even added a fourth – eternity.
Georg Christoph Lichtenberg
Men would be angels Angels would be gods.
Alexander Pope
Vice Is nice But a little virtue Won't hurt you.
Felicia Lamport
The exhilaration of battle was agreeable to him, but the sight of the dead, with their clay faces, blank eyes, and stiff bodies, which, when not unnaturally shrunken, were unnaturally swollen, had always intolerably affected him. He felt toward them a kind of reasonless antipathy which was something more than the physical and spiritual repugnance common to us all. Doubtless this feeling was due to his unusually acute sensibilities - his keen sense of the beautiful, which these hideous things outraged. Whatever may have been the cause, he could not look upon a dead body without a loathing which had in it an element of reselltment. What others have respected as the dignity of death had to him no existence - was altogether unthinkable. Death was a thing to be hated. It was not picturesque, it had no tender and solemn side - a dismal thing, hideous in all its manifestations and suggestions. Lieutenant Byring was a braver man than anybody knew, for nobody knew his horror of that which he was ever ready to encounter. ("A Tough Tussle")
Ambrose Bierce
King David had gotten old. He was so cold and frail that the court appointed a young woman to snuggle with him in his bed. No, they didn't have sex. Though the court did make a point of hiring someone beautiful, just to put a little sizzle in his chicken.
Mark Russell
To increase the chances of a writer trying to kill themselves, cut off their hands.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
The employed are punished by having to do what they do not love. The self-employed are punished by the opposite.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Know thyself, presume not God to scan;The proper study of mankind is man.
Alexander Pope
To be enslaved then, you needed to be ignorant. To be enslaved today, you need to be knowledgeable.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
I have one word to say upon the subject of profound writers, who are grown very numerous of late; and I know very well the judicious world is resolved to list me in that number. I conceive therefore, as to the business of being profound, that it is with writers as with wells; a person with good eyes may see to the bottom of the deepest, provided any water be there; and often, when there is nothing in the world at the bottom, besides dryness and dirt, though it be but a yard and half under ground, it shall pass however for wondrous deep, upon no wiser a reason than because it is wondrous dark.
Jonathan Swift
Apologize: To lay the foundation for a future offence.
Ambrose Bierce
Science gave us forensics. Law gave us crime.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Nothing humbles a beautiful woman better than not being wanted by a man whose girlfriend or wife is ugly (or not as beautiful as she is).
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Logic, n. The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding. The basic of logic is the syllogism, consisting of a major and a minor premise and a conclusion - thus:Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly as one man.Minor Premise: One man can dig a post-hole in sixty seconds; Therefore-Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a post-hole in one second.This may be called syllogism arithmetical, in which, by combining logic and mathematics, we obtain a double certainty and are twice blessed.
Ambrose Bierce
The great pleasure of a dog is that you may make a fool of yourself with him and not only will he not scold you but he will make a fool of himself too.
Samuel Butler
Grandchildren are their grandparents' toys.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Where the frontier of science once was is now the centre.
Georg Christoph Lichtenberg
TELEPHONE n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
Ambrose Bierce
It has been said that although God cannot alter the past, historians can --it is perhaps because they can be useful to Him in this respect that He tolerates their existence.
Samuel Butler
An employee is sheep. His employer is the shepherd. His salary is grass.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
If I seem to you to change my state and alter my condition, I do not change my mind. I try always to be Hutten, never to desert myself, but to walk with equanimity through the unequal scenes of life.
Ulrich von Hutten
Now is the time to drink!
Horace
A ‘normal person’ is what is left after society has squeezed out all unconventional opinions and aspirations out of a human being.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
The media made the masses to find not-so-skinny women appear not-so-beautiful … in the eyes of the remote holder.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
I remember one incident which bears upon this part of the treatise. The gentleman who gave it to me had asked to see my tobacco-pipe; he examined it carefully, and when he came to the little protuberance at the bottom of the bowl he seemed much delighted, and exclaimed that it must be rudimentary. I asked him what he meant."Sir," he answered, "this organ is identical with the rim at the bottom of a cup; it is but another form of the same function. Its purposes must have been to keep the heat of the pipe from marking the table upon which it rested. You would find, if you were to look up the history of tobacco-pipes, that in early specimens this protuberance was of a different shape to what it is now. It will have been broad at the bottom, and flat, so that while the pipe was being smoked the bowl might rest upon the table without marking it. Use and disuse must have come into play and reduced the function its present rudimentary condition. I should not be surprised, sir," he continued, "if, in the course of time, it were to become modified still farther, and to assume the form of an ornamental leaf or scroll, or even a butterfly, while in some cases, it will become extinct.
Samuel Butler
We are sometimes hurt mostly or only not by what happened or is happening to us but by being felt sorry for.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
It has been said that though God cannot alter the past historians can - it is perhaps because they can be useful to Him in this respect that He tolerates their existence.
Samuel Butler
If history really forever repeats itself: then, it has always been then.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
And he gave it for his opinion, "that whoever could make two ears of corn, or two blades of grass, to grow upon a spot of ground where only one grew before, would deserve better of mankind, and do more essential service to his country, than the whole race of politicians put together.
Jonathan Swift
Offend her and she knows not to forgive Oblige her and she'll hate you while you live.
Alexander Pope
The average adult hates being treated like a child, unless it suits them.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
All animals except man know that the ultimate of life is to enjoy it.
Samuel Butler
Courtship is an activity whereby one losses oneself … whilst trying to win someone’s love.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
I try not to speak to critics. It only encourages them.-Snagglepuss
Mark Russell
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