Quotes by Satirists - Page 18

Life is one long process of getting tired.
Samuel Butler
Give a typical employee a million, and, he is most likely to use the money to print his CV on fancier paper.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
You can only be twice someone’s age once.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Life enslaves the poor by giving them problems that money can resolve, or, dissolve
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
While pensive poets painful vigils keep,Sleepless themselves, to give their readers sleep.
Alexander Pope
Party-spirit . . . which at best is but the madness of many for the gain of a few.
Alexander Pope
Some women would not have contracted an STD or STDs had they not been on the pill.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Worth makes the man and want of it the fellow The rest is all but leather and prunello.
Alexander Pope
Man cannot be homophobic without having concerned himself with another’s sex life.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
I have never written on any subject unless I believed that the authorities on it were hopelessly wrong.
Samuel Butler
he who is greedy is always in want
Horace
Compared with lesbians, gays seem to be more unapologetic about their sexual orientation. The former must not have balls.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
EMBALM, v.i. To cheat vegetation by locking up the gases upon which it feeds. By embalming their dead and thereby deranging the natural balance between animal and vegetable life, the Egyptians made their once fertile and populous country barren and incapable of supporting more than a meagre crew. The modern metallic burial casket is a step in the same direction, and many a dead man who ought now to be ornamenting his neighbour's lawn as a tree, or enriching his table as a bunch of radishes, is doomed to a long inutility. We shall get him after awhile if we are spared, but in the meantime, the violet and rose are languishing for a nibble at his gluteus maximus.
Ambrose Bierce
Sleeping is the most common attempt to temporarily escape reality.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
When coming to making kids: Size doesn’t count, it’s sperm count that counts.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
The foundations which we would dig about and find are within us like the Kingdom of Heaven rather than without.
Samuel Butler
Thus let me live unseen unknown Thus unlamented let me die Steal from the world and not a stone Tell where I lie.
Alexander Pope
To a misogynist: To err is woman.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Wise wretch! with pleasures too refined to please,With too much spirit to be e'er at ease,With too much quickness ever to be taught,With too much thinking to have common thought:You purchase pain with all that joy can give,And die of nothing but a rage to live.
Alexander Pope
May you live all the days of your life.
Jonathan Swift
The spiritual muscles I hadn't used for decades began to acquire some tone, and since they were Catholic muscles too, it was natural to look for a church to work out in.It was hard. Appalling though the predations exacted on the monastic liturgy were, they were nothing compared to the desecration exacted on the secular. Latin was gone entirely, replaced by dull, oppressive, anchorman English, slavishly translated from its sonorous source to be as plain and "direct" as possible. It didn't seem to have occurred to the well-meaning vandals who'd thrown out baby, bath, and bathwater that all ritual is a reaching out to the unknowable and can be accomplished only by the noncognitive: evocation, allusion, metaphor, incantation—the tools of the poet.
Tony Hendra
The man is either mad or he is making verses.
Horace
Once a woman goes over 25, she prioritizes 'financial security' in a potential lover. Love and good looks are just a bonus.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
For good health, watch what you eat. For a good head, watch what you watch.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Raven: The Reverend Mr Larynx has been called off on duty, to marry or bury (I don't know which) some unfortunate person or persons, at Claydyke:...
Thomas Love Peacock
Growing up is childish.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Without the door let sorrow lie,And if for cold it hap to die,We'll bury 't in a Christmas pie,And evermore be merry.
George Wither
Presumptuous Man! the reason wouldst thou find,Why form'd so weak, so little, and so blind?First, if thou canst, the harder reason guess,Why form'd no weaker, blinder, and no less!Ask of thy mother earth, why oaks are madeTaller or stronger than the weeds they shade?Or ask of yonder argent fields above,Why Jove's Satellites are less than Jove?
Alexander Pope
Taking good care of your husband or wife is the best way to thank their parent or parents for having taken good care of them.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Christian, n.: one who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.
Ambrose Bierce
To do great work one must be very idle as well as very industrious.
Samuel Butler
Diogenes, filthily attired, paced across the splendid carpets in Plato's dwelling. Thus, said he, do I trample on the pride of Plato. Yes, Plato replied, but only with another kind of pride.
Georg Christoph Lichtenberg
Thou wert my guide philosopher and friend.
Alexander Pope
Some writers write to forget. Some forget to write.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Make money, money by fair means if you can, if not, but any means money.
Horace
Those half-learn'd witlings, num'rous in our isle As half-form'd insects on the banks of Nile
Alexander Pope
It is humanly impossible to be selfless. As a matter of fact, human beings are inherently selfish.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Saying that someone is full of themselves is silly. Who else can one be full of … except self?
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
With the exception of a gun, starvation is the only thing that is capable of making an insane man lose his mind.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
It is a sign of immaturity to believe that being older than someone (automatically) makes you more (mentally) mature than them.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Nothing is more conductive to peace of mind than not having any opinions at all.
Georg Christoph Lichtenberg
Air freshener is man’s pitiful attempt to have his food smell as good, after digestion, as they did, before ingestion.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Dare to begin! He who postpones living rightly is like the rustic who waits for the river to run out before he crosses.
Horace
When a man cheats, it is said it is because he is a dog. When a woman cheats, it is said it is because her man is a dog.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
We’re all geniuses. Life is merely overpopulated with singers who play drums, and, drummers who sing, to pay rent.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
School programs the schooled to type a CV. Life inspires the unschooled to type a business plan.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
You know you made it, when people you know, tell people they know, that you know them.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
In this world one must have a name; it prevents confusion, even when it does not establish identity. Some, though, are known by numbers, which also seem inadequate distinctions.
Ambrose Bierce
In her 20′s, a woman’s breasts double her self-esteem. In her 40′s, they halve it.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
An editor is someone who is paid to tell a writer what she thinks about how he wrote what he thinks about.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
You cannot really get married by mistake. You can only marry the wrong person.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
The office’ is a cemetery of dreams.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them.
Samuel Butler
A picture is a poem without words.
Horace
Life demands more thinking than remembering.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
...if we gained only one incontestable truth every ten years from each of our philosophical writers the harvest we reaped would be sufficient.
Georg Christoph Lichtenberg
ABNORMAL, adj. Not conforming to standards in matters of thought and conduct. To be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be detested.A striving toward the straiter [sic] resemblance of the Average Man than he hath to himself, whoso attaineth thereto shall have peace, the prospect of death and the hope of Hell.
Ambrose Bierce
People are lucky and unlucky ... according to the ratio between what they get and what they have been led to expect.
Samuel Butler
To be better equipped for the tests that the year will bring — read a textbook. To prepare for the tests that life will bring — read a book.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
One cannot know everything.
Horace