Quotes by Satirists - Page 13

He put this engine [a silver pocket watch] into our ears, which made an incessant noise, like that of a water-mill: and we conjecture it is either some unknown animal, or the god that he worships; but we are more inclined to the latter opinion, because he assured us, (if we understood him right, for he expressed himself very imperfectly) that he seldom did any thing without consulting it. He called it his oracle, and said, it pointed out the time for every action of his life.
Jonathan Swift
Some men do not know the father of 'their' children.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Inhumanity, n. One of the signal and characteristic qualities of humanity.
Ambrose Bierce
What then remains, but well our power to use,And keep good humour still whate’er we lose?And trust me, dear, good humour can prevail,When airs, and flights, and screams, and scolding fail.Beauties in vain their pretty eyes may roll;Charms strike the sight, but merit wins the soul
Alexander Pope
There is absolutely nothing feminine about the colour pink, or, anything bad-luck'ish about the colour black — in itself.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Why is there never a headline that says "Government program ends as its intended goal has been achieved"?
Oleg Atbashian
Facebook gives people an illusory sense of being LIKED.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
A writer is merely a reader that had the guts to be read, and, heard.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Some people will each start investing more of their salary on ‘their’ house and spending less of it on ‘their’ car or cars only when they start being able to take ‘their’ house to work, funerals, weddings, etc.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Good taste and humour are a contradiction in terms like a chaste whore.
Malcolm Muggeridge
Interviews were invented to make journalism less passive. Instead of waiting for something to happen, journalists ask someone what should or could happen.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
All gardening is landscape painting.
Alexander Pope
Back then: to be paid more, one needed to increase the number of things that are by him known. Today: to be paid more, one needs to increase the number of people by whom he is known.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
The role of a comedian is to make the audience laugh at a minimum of once every fifteen seconds.
Lenny Bruce
To some people, employment is a distraction. To all entertainers, distraction is employment.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
A gold tooth is to some blacks, what braces are to all whites.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Contrary to popular belief: Knowing where you are from will not really tell you where you are going. It will merely tell you why you are where you are.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Gulliver describes a royal personage inspiring awe among the tiny Lilliputians because he was taller than his brethren by the breadth of a human fingernail.
Jonathan Swift
Because of self-doubt, the fear of failure, or laziness, most people usually bite off way less than they can chew.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
People who get offended by your not saying 'Thank you!' … after they’ve paid you a compliment were merely desperate to be thanked.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
One of the first businesses of a sensible man is to know when he is beaten and to leave off fighting at once.
Samuel Butler
Back then: to be regarded as well-known, one had to be great. Today: to be regarded as great, one has to be well-known.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
There is a correlation between the number of days since a man last had sex, and, the number of women that he is convinced he is in love with.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
There is nothing morally wrong with buying stolen goods, unless you know that they were stolen.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Chastity always takes its toll. In some it produces pimples; in others, sex laws.
Karl Kraus
Quidquid praecipies, esto brevis.(Whatever advice you give, be brief.)
Horace
There really is no correlation between age and one’s bank balance. I’ve met wealthy boys and broke men.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
The only business of the historian is to relate things exactly as they are: this he can never do as long as he is afraid
Lucian of Samosata
Unless it is you, finding out who your lover’s dream lover is is a nightmare.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
It is rude to tweet while having sex. However, it is not rude to have sex while tweeting.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Thanks to photography, some memories overstay their welcome.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
History – An account mostly false, of events unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools.
Ambrose Bierce
For the most expensive way to realize an orgasm, men open their wallets. For the cheapest, they close their eyes.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Some books sold because they are (said to be) great. Some are (said to be) great because they sold.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
A virtue to be serviceable must like gold be alloyed with some commoner but more durable metal.
Samuel Butler
Some women have been faking orgasms for so long that they sometimes fake one when they are masturbating.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Loyalty is still the same, whether it win or lose the game; true as a dial to the sun, although it be not shined upon.
Samuel Butler
A vagina is an uneducated woman’s diploma.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught.
Ambrose Bierce
To live is like to love - all reason is against it and all healthy instinct for it.
Samuel Butler
To some believers, being on the pill or using a condom is a nonverbal way of telling God to go to hell.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
Ambrose Bierce
Bore: a person who talks when you wish him to listen.
Ambrose Bierce
You are not walking slow enough, when taking a walk, if you do not come across as bored or depressed (to the average sane person).
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
I won't say ours was a tough school but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like "What I'm Going to Be if I Grow Up."
Lenny Bruce
We all love best not those who offend us least, nor those who have done most for us, but those who make it most easy for us to forgive them.
Samuel Butler
*Forever* is an illusion that human beings promise each other when they are horny, or, trying to appear holy.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
The only things that old age comes standard with: grey hair and wrinkles. Wisdom and intellect are earned.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
To take away a man’s sanity, answer all his prayers and solve all his problems. Or give him everything and everyone he wants.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
An apology for the Devil - it must be remembered that we have only heard one side of the case. God has written all the books.
Samuel Butler
He who fails to achieve a dream set by himself is more honorable than he who succeeds in achieving a dream set by his society.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Prostitutes are paid for taking their clothes off. Celebrities are paid for putting others' clothes on.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
The most dangerous of all falsehoods is a slightly distorted truth.
Georg Christoph Lichtenberg
Not smoking is not an achievement. Like virginity, it comes standard.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
We of this age have discovered a shorter, and more prudent method to become scholars and wits, without the fatigue of reading or of thinking.
Jonathan Swift
MAN, n. An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada.
Ambrose Bierce
When you reach your sixties you have to decide whether you're going to be a sot or an ascetic. In other words if you want to go on working after you're sixty some degree of asceticism is inevitable.
Malcolm Muggeridge
All are but parts of one stupendous whole Whose body Nature is and God the soul.
Alexander Pope
A genius is a grownup that remained a kid.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
If it be the chief point of friendship to comply with a friend's notions and inclinations he possesses this is an eminent degree; he lies down when I sit, and walks when I walk, which is more that many good friends can pretend to do.
Alexander Pope