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Quotes by Humorists - Page 22

Oh, for Christ's sake,' I hear. 'Can we please just try to have a good time?' This is like ordering someone to find you attractive, and it doesn't work. I've tried it.
David Sedaris
Always do what is right. It will gratify half of mankind and astound the other.
Mark Twain
Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip
Erma Bombeck
That is just the way with some people. They get down on a thing when they don’t know nothing about it.
Mark Twain
It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
Mark Twain
Houdini, the magician who debunked magic, could not bear to see the great rationalist [Arthur Conan] Doyle enchanted by ghosts and frauds. And so he did what any friend would: He set out to prove spiritualism false and rob his friend Doyle of the only comforting fiction that was keeping him sane. It was the least he could do.
John Hodgman
Failure is a disappointment but not defeat.
Jeanne Robertson
For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.For beautiful hair, let a child run his fingers through it once a day.For poise, walk with the knowledge you’ll never walk alone....We leave you a tradition with a future.The tender loving care of human beings will never become obsolete.People even more than things have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed and redeemed and redeemed and redeemed.Never throw out anybody.Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you’ll find one at the end of your arm.As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands: one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.Your “good old days” are still ahead of you, may you have many of them.
Sam Levenson
I never met a man that I didn't like.
Will Rogers
It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
Robert Benchley
Oh, is that my report, father?' said Mike, with a sort of sickly interest, much as a dog about to be washed might evince in his
P.G. Wodehouse
Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And ain't that a big enough majority for any town?
Mark Twain
The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.
Will Rogers
After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where I discovered both crystal methamphetamine and conceptual art. Either one of these things are dangerous, but in combination they have the potential to destroy entire civilizations.
David Sedaris
Until we’re pushing up daisies, it might be good to remind ourselves daily that everything’s coming up roses — for me and for you.
Gina Barreca
A writer’s brain is full of little gifts, like a piñata at a birthday party. It’s also full of demons, like a piñata at a birthday party in a mental hospital. The truth is, it’s demons that keep a tortured writer’s spirit alive, not Tootsie Rolls. Sure they’ll give you a tiny burst of energy, but they won’t do squat for your writing. So treat your demons with the respect they deserve, and with enough prescriptions to keep you wearing pants.
Colin Nissan
Ah, that shows you the power of music, that magician of magician, who lifts his wand and says his mysterious word and all things real pass away and the phantoms of your mind walk before you clothed in flesh.
Mark Twain
A zoo is a good place to make a spectacle of yourself, as the people around you have creepier, more photogenic things to look at.
David Sedaris
The storm is over, there is sunlight in my heart. I have a glass of wine and sit thinking of what has passed.
P.G. Wodehouse
An extravagance is anything you buy that is of no earthly use to your wife.
Franklin P. Jones
Mike nodded. A sombre nod. The nod Napoleon might have given if somebody had met him in 1812 and said, "So, you're back from Moscow, eh?
P.G. Wodehouse
Your future depends on many things,but mostly on you.
Frank Tyger
Customs do not concern themselves with right or wrong or reason. But they have to be obeyed; one reasons all around them until he is tired, but he must not transgress them, it is sternly forbidden.
Mark Twain
That's the way with a cat, you know -- any cat; they don't give a damn for discipline. And they can't help it, they're made so. But it ain't really insubordination, when you come to look at it right and fair -- it's a word that don't apply to a cat. A cat ain't ever anybody's slave or serf or servant, and can't be -- it ain't in him to be. And so, he don't have to obey anybody. He is the only creature in heaven or earth or anywhere that don't have to obey somebody or other, including the angels. It sets him above the whole ruck, it puts him in a class by himself. He is independent. You understand the size of it? He is the only independent person there is. In heaven or anywhere else. There's always somebody a king has to obey -- a trollop, or a priest, or a ring, or a nation, or a deity or what not -- but it ain't so with a cat. A cat ain't servant nor slave to anybody at all. He's got all the independence there is, in Heaven or anywhere else, there ain't any left over for anybody else. He's your friend, if you like, but that's the limit -- equal terms, too, be you king or be you cobbler; you can't play any I'm-better-than-you on a cat -- no, sir! Yes, he's your friend, if you like, but you got to treat him like a gentleman, there ain't any other terms. The minute you don't, he pulls freight.
Mark Twain
Dates are hard to remember because they consist of figures; figures are monotonously unstriking in appearance, and they don't take hold, they form no pictures, and so they give the eye no chance to help. Pictures are the thing. Pictures can make dates stick.
Mark Twain
This explains why, whenever a person says sie to me, I generally try to kill him, if a stranger.
Mark Twain
Happiness comes only when we push our brains and hearts to the farthest reaches of which we are capable.
Leo. C Rosten
Th' newspaper does ivrything f'r us. It runs th' polis foorce an' th' banks, commands th' milishy, controls th' ligislachure, baptizes th' young, marries th' foolish, comforts th' afflicted, afflicts th' comfortable, buries th' dead an' roasts thim aftherward.
Finley Peter Dunne
T[he rules of writing] require that the personages in a tale shall be alive, except in the case of corpses, and that always the reader shall be able to tell the corpses from the others.
Mark Twain
I had walked into that reading-room a happy, healthy man. I crawled out a decrepit wreck.
Jerome K. Jerome
At last the bottom fell out.No more water in the pail.No more moon in the water.
John Gould
Sober or blotto, this is your motto: keep muddling through.
P.G. Wodehouse
Work like you don't need the money. Dance like no one is watching. And love like you've never been hurt.
Mark Twain
If a cat spoke, it would say things like 'Hey, I don’t see the problem here.
Roy Blount Jr.
Fox-terriers are born with about four times as much original sin in them as other dogs.
Jerome K. Jerome
Perhaps the truth is that heavy literature blooms in extremes of temperature.
Roy Blount Jr.
I have been scientifically studying the traits and dispositions of the “lower animals” (so-called,) and contrasting them with the traits and dispositions of man. I find the result profoundly humiliating to me. For it obliges me to renounce my allegiance to the Darwinian theory of the Ascent of Man from the Lower Animals; since it now seems plain to me that that theory ought to be vacated in favor of a new and truer one, this new and truer one to be named the Descent of Man from the Higher Animals.
Mark Twain
Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper.
Mark Twain
Lord Emsworth belonged to the people-like-to-be-left-alone-to-amuse-themselves-when-they-come-to-a-place school of hosts
P.G. Wodehouse
We seem to be going through a period of nostalgia, and everyone seems to think yesterday was better than today. I don't think it was, and I would advise you not to wait ten years before admitting today was great. If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.
Art Buchwald
There was something sort of bleak about her tone, rather as if she had swallowed an east wind. This I took to be due to the fact that she probably hadn't breakfasted. It's only after a bit of breakfast that I'm able to regard the world with that sunny cheeriness which makes a fellow the universal favourite. I'm never much of a lad till I've engulfed an egg or two and a beaker of coffee."I suppose you haven't breakfasted?""I have not yet breakfasted.""Won't you have an egg or something? Or a sausage or something? Or something?""No, thank you."She spoke as if she belonged to an anti-sausage league or a league for the suppression of eggs. There was a bit of silence.
P.G. Wodehouse
Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some conversation.
Mark Twain
Be like a postage stamp-stick to one thing until you get there.
Josh Billings
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
Calvin Trillin
The key to everything is patience. You get the chicken by hatching the egg, not by smashing it.
Arnold H. Glasgow
Now and then we had a hope that if we lived and were good, God would permit us to be pirates.
Mark Twain
So get a few laughs and do the best you can.
Will Rogers
Distance lends enchantment to the view.
Mark Twain
The best way to cheer yourself is to try to cheer someone else up.
Mark Twain
The Indian may seem poor to we rich Westerners but in matters of the spirit it is we who are the paupers and they who are millionaires.
Mark Twain
Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.
Mark Twain
Wagner’s music is better than it sounds.
Edgar Wilson Nye
We are chameleons and our partialities and prejudices change place with an easy and blessed facility.
Mark Twain
Name the greatest of all inventors: Accident.
Mark Twain
Canada's climate is nine months winter and three months late in the fall.
Evan Esar
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.
Sam Levenson
LEARN FROM THE MASTERS: Mark Twain once said, “Show, don’t tell.” This is an incredibly important lesson for writers to remember; never get such a giant head that you feel entitled to throw around obscure phrases like “Show, don’t tell.” Thanks for nothing, Mr. Cryptic.
Colin Nissan
The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.
Mark Twain
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Mark Twain
In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar a custom which is still continued.
Helen Rowland
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