Quotes by Comedians - Page 7

Seconds later, the female security officer grabbed a pair of my father's shorts from the top of the duffel bag, and emptied out the contents of his pockets. A lighter, three nail files, a pocket wrench, a pair of pliers, a screwdriver, and a nectarine fell onto the folding table. I looked at the woman, looked at my father, and then looked around to see if anyone else was watching. "What's the problem?" my father asked the woman. "Sir, I'm going to have to take this lighter away from you," she said. "The lighter?" I asked her. "What about the bomb kit he's carrying around? He could do a lot more damage to a person with that wrench." "I need the wrench!" he shrieked. "For what?" "What if something goes wrong with the plane?
Chelsea Handler
With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.
Groucho Marx
In 1803, President Jefferson oversaw the purchase of this land from the French for $15 million. It doesn't sound like much for an area three times the size of France itself but given that they'd stolen it from the Native Americans in the first place, I suppose they couldn't grumble. Once some debts had been wiped and estate agents had taken their commission, Napoleon's France ended up pocketing a little more than $8 million. Which is about how much it cost Pepsi Cola to secure the services of Britney Spears. Times have changed.
Dave Gorman
I don't ridicule religion, it ridicules itself.
Bill Maher
Boggle with sex addicts is up there with go-kart racing with junkies.
Russell Brand
Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name.
George Carlin
Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his pants pockets to construct a sawed-off shotgun. Evidently, he thought we were headed to Iraq.
Chelsea Handler
Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.
George Carlin
Boy, those French! They have a different word for everything.
Steve Martin
For example, in Paris, if one desires to buy something, you enter the store and say "Good morning, sir" or "madam," depending on what is appropriate, you wait until you are greeted, you make polite chitchat about the weather or some such, and when the salesperson asks what they can do for you, then and only then do you bring up the vulgar business of the transaction you require.
Craig Ferguson
You're just another american who is willfully ignorant of the big red, white and blue dick being shoved up your asshole every day... The owners of this country know the truth... it's called the American dream because you have to be asleep to believe it!
George Carlin
It seems to me that you can go sauntering along for a certain period telling the English some interesting things about themselves and then all at once it feels as if you had stepped on the prongs of a rake.
Patrick Campbell
If you're quiet, you're not living. You've got to be noisy and colorful and lively.
Mel Brooks
When we did eventually get to the party - me walking next to Dad's Volvo driving at five miles an hour - I had a horrible time. Everyone laughed at first but then more or less ignored me. In a mood of defiant stuffed oliveness I did have a dance by myself but things kept crashing to the floor around me. The host asked if I would sit down. I had a go at that but it was useless. In the end I was at the gate for about an hour before Dad arrived.
Louise Rennison
(On his addiction to opiods): I'll die young, but it's like kissing God.
Lenny Bruce
But with dogs, we do have "bad dog." Bad dog exists. "Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog!" The dog is saying, "Who are you to judge me? You human beings who’ve had genocide, war against people of different creeds, colors, religions, and I stole a biscuit?! Is that a crime? People of the world!""Well, if you put it that way, I think you’ve got a point. Have another biscuit, sorry.
Eddie Izzard
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Mitch Hedberg
Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth.
Victor Borge
Only in America can you be pro-death penalty, pro-war, pro-unmanned drone bombs, pro-nuclear weapons, pro-guns, pro-torture, pro-land mines, and still call yourself 'pro-life.
John Fugelsang
From space this Earth is incandescent with abominations - the gods write their signature in our entrails
Steve Aylett
I try to think up material that might apply to the subjects they are studying. How many mitochondria does it take to power a cell? One. Because mitochondria are the powerhouse of the cell. Not ready for prime time, that one.
Mike Birbiglia
I'm a writer. I write checks. They're not very good.
Wendy Liebman
I do benefits for all religions. ... I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.
Bob Hope
There are people who eat only organic food, and then there are people who don’t have tons of money to waste.
Jim Gaffigan
This is the opposite of the free market.
Bill Maher
The tricky thing about the hood is that you’re always working, working, working, and you feel like something’s happening, but really nothing’s happening at all.
Trevor Noah
An Act of Dissent is simply a way of saying, 'No, I do not accept this and, as my silence may be construed as acquiescence, I would like to make a small gesture to indicate that you can all go fuck yourselves.
Mark Thomas
Life is a blank canvas, and you need to throw all the paint on it you can.
Danny Kaye
For 3 million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person. (on Margaret Thatcher)
Frankie Boyle
In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy.
Johnny Carson
I have that hypocrisy of a parent in that I'm like,'Come on, you've got to toughen up at the same time let me take care of that for you.
Craig Ferguson
When your mom was not in labor yelling at me, she made me laugh so hard.
Jim Gaffigan
The priority of any addict is to anaesthetise the pain of living to ease the passage of day with some purchased relief.
Russell Brand
(Referring to the piano's natural shape) Isn't it a shame when those big fat opera singers lean against the pianos and bend them?
Victor Borge
Another thing I take issue with are people who take their dogs on "play dates," or even worse, people who choose to dress their dogs up in outfits better suited for homosexuals participating in a gay pride parade. Dog costumes are right up there with something else I find particularly offensive: sweater vests.
Chelsea Handler
As a politician he does everything to keep out of trouble often by not asking questions. However it does bother him that every time the doorbell rings his maid hides in the dryer.
Jay Leno
The show became its own little world, with its own internal rhythm and high standards.
Dick Van Dyke
An alcoholic is someone who can violate his standards faster than he can lower them.
Robin Williams
People often say to me: Oy! Get out of my garden.
Michael Redmond
Another example of getting flack from the boys is what happened when Jack Black dumped me. That’s right. I fucked Jack Black. Okay, we went out only two or three times, but that’s a relationship in my book. And by the way, this is my book.
Kathy Griffin
Ah! The English language was a wonderful thing! You could always find the right word. He only wished he could speak the language.
Terry Jones
In opposition to sex education: Let the kids today learn it where we did - in the gutter.
Pat Paulsen
Rosie get off your desk, and please put your beard away.
Louise Rennison
Who needs drugs when you have Takeshi's Castle?
Craig Charles
When I first came to this country I didn't have a nickel in my pocket - now I have a nickel in my pocket.
Groucho Marx
The English language is like London: proudly barbaric yet deeply civilised, too, common yet royal, vulgar yet processional, sacred yet profane. Each sentence we produce, whether we know it or not, is a mongrel mouthful of Chaucerian, Shakespearean, Miltonic, Johnsonian, Dickensian and American. Military, naval, legal, corporate, criminal, jazz, rap and ghetto discourses are mingled at every turn. The French language, like Paris, has attempted, through its Academy, to retain its purity, to fight the advancing tides of Franglais and international prefabrication. English, by comparison, is a shameless whore.
Stephen Fry
I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare but then I thought Why should I? He never reads any of mine.
Spike Milligan
We are always growing up. I'm growing up as I type this. An eighty-seven-year-old woman is still technically growing up. So be as immature as you want. Right now, you are the youngest you you're ever going to be.
Mamrie Hart
So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.
Stephen Colbert
Cleaning your house while your children are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
Phyllis Diller
He was one of a long line of mimsy and embittered middle-class sensitives who disguised their feeble and decadent lust as something spiritual and Socratic. And why not? If it meant he had to end his days on some Mediterranean island writing lyric prose for Faber and Faber and literary criticism for the New Statesman, running through successions of houseboys and 'secretaries', getting sloshed on Fernet Branca and having to pay off the Chief of Police every six months, then so be it. Better than driving to the office in the rain.
Stephen Fry
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
W.C.Fields
I have no respect for gangs today. None. They just drive by and shoot people. At least in the old days like in West Side Story the gangs used to dance with each other.
Robert G. Lee
Have children while your parents are still young enough to take care of them.
Rita Rudner
It’s traumatizing to think that a best friend could become just a friend. That’s because there is virtually no difference between an acquaintance and a friend. But the gulf between a friend and a best friend is enormous and profound. And if I look at it that way, I think I can see the value of a wedding. If you’re my best friend and the only way I get to have dinner with you is by traveling thousands of miles, selecting a chicken or fish option, and wearing a dress in the same shade of lavender as six other girls, I will do that. I won't love it. But I love you.
Mindy Kaling
It seemed that I performed better sober than drunk. Who knew?
Craig Ferguson
I am a lover of truth, a worshiper of freedom, a celebrant at the altar of language and purity and tolerance.
Stephen Fry
Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake--you know, to send the right message to kids.
Bill Maher
Ask yourself the three things you must always ask yourself before you say anything. 1) Does this need to be said 2) “Does this need to be said by me? 3) Does this need to be said by me now?
Craig Ferguson
We men are very simple people: if we like what we see, we’re coming over there. If we don’t want anything from you, we’re not coming over there. Period. Please highlight this part right here so you can always remind yourself the next time a man steps to you: a man always wants something. Always. And when it comes to women, that plan is always to find out two things: (1) if you’re willing to sleep with him, and (2) if you are, how much it will cost to get you to sleep with him.
Steve Harvey