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Quotes by Comedians - Page 5

I know my worth. I embrace my power. I say if I’m beautiful. I say if I’m strong. You will not determine my story. I will. I'll speak and share and fuck and love, and I will never apologise for it. I am amazing for you, not because of you. I am not who I sleep with. I am not my weight. I am not my mother. I am myself. And I am all of you.
Amy Schumer
New Rule: Food companies must face the facts: One container equals one serving. Look, we’re Americans, and that means once we open the bag, there’s no stopping us until we’re licking stray bits of powdered cheese off the carpet. So stop trying to give us nutritional information based on a fraction of the package. It assumes a talent for two things that we’re really not capable of: restraint and math.
Bill Maher
I'm gonna enjoy being old I think I'll be awesome at it.
Craig Ferguson
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
Groucho Marx
The uncomfortable, as well as the miraculous, fact about the human mind is how it varies from individual to individual. The process of treatment can therefore be long and complicated. Finding the right balance of drugs, whether lithium salts, anti-psychotics, SSRIs or other kinds of treatment can be a very hit or miss heuristic process requiring great patience and classy, caring doctoring. Some patients would rather reject the chemical path and look for ways of using diet, exercise and talk-therapy. For some the condition is so bad that ECT is indicated. One of my best friends regularly goes to a clinic for doses of electroconvulsive therapy, a treatment looked on by many as a kind of horrific torture that isn’t even understood by those who administer it. This friend of mine is just about one of the most intelligent people I have ever met and she says, “I know. It ought to be wrong. But it works. It makes me feel better. I sometimes forget my own name, but it makes me happier. It’s the only thing that works.” For her. Lord knows, I’m not a doctor, and I don’t understand the brain or the mind anything like enough to presume to judge or know better than any other semi-informed individual, but if it works for her…. well then, it works for her. Which is not to say that it will work for you, for me or for others.
Stephen Fry
(On differences between men and boys) Men know what they want. Men make concrete plans. Men own alarm clocks. Men sleep on a mattress that isn't on the floor. Men tip generously. Men buy new shampoo instead of adding water to a nearly empty bottle of shampoo. Men go to the dentist. Men make reservations. Men go in for a kiss without giving you some long preamble about how they're thinking of kissing you. Men wear clothes that have never been worn by anyone else before.
Mindy Kaling
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
Rita Rudner
Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient
Milton Berle
Our society is stuck between problem and solution when it comes to treating mental illness. We cannot find a solution until we agree on the problem. And it is my humble opinion that the problem is fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of the misunderstood. Instead, let us seek to pursue knowledge over fear. Let's find a way to save lives that can be saved.
Hannah Hart
I've never been drunk but often I've been overserved.
George Gobel
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
George Carlin
I don't think I remember my first memory
Hannah Hart
Looking silly can be very powerful. People who are committing and taking risks become the king and queen of my prom. People are their most beautiful when they are laughing, crying, dancing, playing, telling the truth and being chased in a fun way.
Amy Poehler
When you want to do something that isn’t the ‘norm’ you will be made to feel like you have a problem and if you hear it often enough then you start to believe it too.
Radhika Vaz
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
Jerry Seinfeld
Motherhood was a twenty-four-hour-a-day, all-encompassing job. It was the hardest job I ever had. Everything that happened to you [her child] happened to me. I had once heard children described in a novel as "hostages to fortune" and certainly my happiness depended on yours.
Amy Poehler
I exercise self-control and never touch any beverage stronger than gin before breakfast.
W.C.Fields
Elections in L.A. are so different. Here you've got politicians with phony smiles making false promises to voters with fake boobs and bad toupees.
Jay Leno
Grandma, everyone out here is bleaching their anuses. What do I do?"Her advice? "Baby, go outside in the sun and squirt a little lemon juice on it.
Mollie Gross
Sometimes they would just pay me to stay home and not do anything else, which sounds fantastic but doesn't do much for your ego. Its probably a little like getting alimony-the money is nice but has a nasty aftertaste.
Craig Ferguson
I hope I make people feel better. I hope I take people out of their situations a little bit and make them happier. That's really why I do what I do.
Ellen DeGeneres
I'd much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they are the first to be rescued off of sinking ships.
Gilda Radner
People who have babies tell me I will know a love that is beyond anything I can imagine, and a joy that is indescribable. Love and joy? That sounds horrifying. I have no way of knowing whether I can handle either of those. I'm much better with need and fear. They are what ground me.
Marc Maron
When did fact checking and journalism go their separate ways?
Jon Stewart
There's a quote of hers [Lucille Ball] that I've always loved: 'I guess I would rather regret the things I've done than to regret the things I've never done.
Carol Burnett
You will never see me publicly putting a comic down or trying to get them unbooked. If I have a problem with someone they will know. I try to do what is right and not what is easy. You will never see me make jokes about peoples addictions or cries for help. OR other peoples pain for that matter. I believe in lifting up. Not tearing down. Uplift you fellow man. We were born to love one another and to that end I promise what I do in my life is in the name of love.
Johnny Corn
Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.
Demetri Martin
We just start putting our ideas out there, yet how do we actually attack contemporary problems? We do what some of the most successful American businesses do. We outsource and collaborate
Baratunde R. Thurston
People who concern themselves with the rights of other adults who engage in consensual acts involving sex, love, and/or eating croissants together are damaged and in pain.
Rob Delaney
Now men and women are separate and unequal. We should be hand in hand in fact we should have our arms around one another.
Cloris Leachman
Don't answer the door in a wedding dress and veil, he might not think you're joking.
Amy Sedaris
I'd like to tell you some jokes now but you'd only laugh.
Milton Berle
I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.
Rodney Dangerfield
This is a lttle prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. Amen and Awomen.
George Carlin
The Bible looks like it started out as a game of mad libs.
Bill Maher
Live in hope. Because things do happen. Things do change. Worry really is futile. Don't fear the future. Dreams do come true.
Miranda Hart
If we don’t change direction soon, we’ll end up where we’re going.
Irwin Corey
Choosing one thing usually doesn't mean killing all of the other options forever. Oftentimes, you can always go back and change your mind if you want. If not, and you realize the decision did not pan out the way you had hoped, you now have a lesson for future decisions.
Chris Hardwick
From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Groucho Marx
A lot of lip service gets paid to being honest, but no one really wants to hear it unless what's being said is the party line.
Colin Quinn
The worst thing to call somebody is crazy. It's dismissive. "I don't understand this person. So they're crazy." That's bullshit. These people are not crazy. They strong people. Maybe their environment is a little sick.
Dave Chappelle
You will never climb Career Mountain and get to the top and shout, ‘I made it!’ You will rarely feel done or complete or even successful. Most people I know struggle with that complicated soup of feeling slighted on one hand and like a total fraud on the other. Our ego is a monster that loves to sit at the head of the table, and I have learned that my ego is just as rude and loud and hungry as everyone else’s. It doesn’t matter how much you get; you are left wanting more. Success is filled with MSG.
Amy Poehler
So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.
George Carlin
I'd like to go to assertiveness training class. First I need to check with my wife.
Adam Christing
While There may be power in forgiveness, there is even more power in lobbing a Molotov cocktail through someone's dining room window.
Jim Norton
The bravest thing that men do is love women.
Mort Sahl
[F]reedom isn't free. It shouldn't be a bragging point that "Oh, I don't get involved in politics," as if that makes you somehow cleaner. No, that makes you derelict of duty in a republic. Liars and panderers in government would have a much harder time of it if so many people didn't insist on their right to remain ignorant and blindly agreeable.
Bill Maher
If I can't suck your milkshake through a straw, it's not a milkshake--it's a glass of ice cream.
Bill Maher
so, what are you in for? MANSLAUGHTER!!! I SLAUGHTERED A MAN!! JUST LIKE A PIG!!! PUT HIM ON A SPIT AND PUT AN APPLE IN HIS MOUTH!!!!
Brian Regan
Muslim store clerks should sell alcohol and pork. Christian bakers should bake gay wedding cakes. Everyone should do their fucking job.
T.J. Kirk
This disease comes with a package: shame. When any other part of your body gets sick, you get sympathy.
Ruby Wax
I'm not a Christian, but I have read his book.
Bill Maher
If you can love cats, you can love human beings, because you have to be able to love them without getting them at all.
Chris Kelly
Leaning forward in your chair when someone is trying to squeeze behind you isn't enough. You also have to move the chair.
Ellen DeGeneres
And while we're on the subject of ducks, which we plainly are, the story, 'The Ugly Duckling' ought be banned as the central character wasn't a duckling or he wouldn't have grown up into a swan. He was a cygnet.
Russell Brand
The main goal of the future is to stop violence. The world is addicted to it.
Bill Cosby
[On school uniforms] Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now they have to make them look alike too? It's not a new idea, either. I first saw it in old newsreels from the 1930s, but it was hard to understand because the narration was in German.
George Carlin
Son, in life you do not fight battles because you expect to win......you fight them merely because they need to be fought.-Snagglepuss
Mark Russell
People will find transformation and transcendence in a McDonald's hash brown if it's all they've got.
Patton Oswalt
My life needs editing.
Mort Sahl
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