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Quotes by Comedians - Page 40

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
Phyllis Diller
Paul's greatest contribution to the progressive cause wasn't what he accomplished in the senate, although he accomplished a lot. It's the way he inspired others to take action, and taught them to be effective, and gave them the confidence to stand up and shout about what they believed it.
Al Franken
You only live once - but if you work it right once is enough.
Joe E. Lewis
There are a lot of questions I keep asking myself about why I do comedy. I guess I laugh to keep from crying. And I guess if you ever get me crying, I might not stop. This is the way I look at tragedy or else I'll cry.
Bob Newhart
NC passed law against global warming science, therefore it's not happening. So I'm ignoring Twitter's 140-character limit, so it's not happ
Stephen Colbert
Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.
Bill Maher
Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
Spike Milligan
You see why I’m such a good vampire? We’re all lying, devious bastards, not like werewolves, if there are werewolves, whose MO is, “Hi, I’m a werewolf, surprise! And fuck you!” No, we lurk. We’re lurkers.
Christopher Buehlman
I heard someone say one time that 'anger after five seconds is just pride.
Kevin Breel
I'm a writer. I write checks. Mostly fiction.
Wendy Liebman
Why should we break up Our snug and pleasant party? Time was made for slaves But never for us so hearty.
John B. Buckstone
I learned to cope with my needs for attention by creating my own private personal rituals to make myself feel special.
Merrill Markoe
Sister Ignatius taught me in Sunday School that "in the beginning there was light," but to me, it was always an incomplete sentence, which God should have known to ammend: in the beginning God created light...to read by.
Lorna Landvik
I can do anything. I can be anything. No one ever told me I couldn't. No one ever expressed this idea that I was limited to any one thing, and so I think in terms of what's possible, not impossible.
Whoopi Goldberg
People will kill you. Over time. They will shave out every last morsel of fun in you with little, harmless sounding phrases that people uses every day, like: 'Be realistic!'" (2009)]
Dylan Moran
Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.
George Carlin
To all my enemies, I will destroy you.
Frankie Boyle
My agent gets 10 percent of everything I get except the blinding headaches.
Fred Allen
I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.
Ellen DeGeneres
New Rule: Americans have to come up with a better cheese to represent the nation than American cheese. I'm not even sure American cheese is cheese. I think it's aged Jell-O. And it doesn't need to be individually wrapped in plastic, either. You're thinking of condoms.
Bill Maher
Ideas about our own self-worth are no more real than thoughts about an imaginary chair.
Mark Williams
Death is nature’s way of saying, ‘Your table is ready.
Robin Williams
I don't know what it is about "magic happens"-stickers on cars but every time I see one I wanna get out my permanent marker and sneak over and write underneath it "so does cot death".
Tim Minchin
There are those wonderful moments of clarity in life when one is reminded how irreparably flawed we humans are. Once, when I was nineteen, on the subway in Boston I lost my balance slightly and bumped into an elderly woman. I quickly apologized and she replied, "Well, hold on to something, stupid." There it is. That's it. That's it in a nutshell. I don't want to sound negative, but I think every fetus should be shown a film of that incident, maybe projected up on the uterine wall, and then asked if it wants to come out. I am a strong believer in a woman's right to choose, but I also think that in the last trimester, the kid should be given every opportunity to back out.
Paula Poundstone
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
Jimmy Durante
In the end the British will walk out because 100,000 British cannot control 350 million Indians if those Indians refuse to cooperate.” A small minority cannot control an uncooperative majority, so they must be distracted, divided, tyrannized, or anesthetized into compliance. Gandhi dealt with the colonization of nations by nations; we deal now with the colonization of consciousness by corporations.
Russell Brand
Relationships are built in the silences.
Trevor Noah
Not everything's funny, Mother.""No," said Leola, "so I guess when you can laugh,, it's all the sweeter.
Lorna Landvik
You should open these doors with care and caution-but, first, you must know how to close them. And above all, you must know which doors should be left unopened...
Michael Bentine
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Steven Wright
The girl says "Oh uh-uh, wait a minute! Wait a minute! Just because I'm dressed this way does not make me a whore!" Which is true, Gentlemen, that is true. Just because they dress a certain way doesn't mean they are a certain way. Don't even forget it. But ladies, you must understand that is fucking confusing. It just is. Now that would be like me, Dave Chappelle, the comedian, walking down the street in a cop uniform. Somebody might run up on me saying, "Oh, thank God. Officer, help us! Come on. They're over here. Help us!" "Oh-hoh! Just because I'm dressed this way does not make me a police officer!" See what I mean? All right, ladies, fine. You are not a whore. But you are wearing a whore's uniform.
Dave Chappelle
I would rather have a free bottle in front of me than a pre-frontal lobotomy
Dean Martin
gray hair is gods graffiti
Bill Cosby
Artists don't create society, they reflect it
Ben Elton
Debbie Downer" was one of the few sketches where I broke, and I remember watching Heratio Sanz laugh so hard that tears squirted out of his eyes. I still believe that sketch may be a cure for low-level depression if watched regularly.
Amy Poehler
The problem is, God gave man a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time.
Robin McLaurin Williams
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and to have the two as close together as possible.
George Burns
There is much in this world that hurts us, but if we let pain become our master, we live our lives as slaves.
Hannah Hart
(on the word "fuck")'Oh, come on, Mum,' I sighed at her protest. 'It's just an old Anglo-Saxon word for the female organ which has been adopted by an inherently misogynist language as a negative epithet. It's the same as "fuck", it basically means the same as copulate, but the latter is perfectly acceptable. Why? Because copulate has its roots in Latin and Latin reminds us that we are a sophisticated, learned species, not the rutting animals that these prehistoric grunts would have us appear to be, and isn't that really the issue here? We don't want to admit that we are essentially animals? We want to distinguish ourselves from the fauna with grand conceits and elaborate language; become angels worthy of salvation, not dumb creatures consigned to an earthly, terminal end. It's just a word, Mum; a sound meaning a thing; and your disgust is just denial of a greater horror: that our consciousness is not an indication of our specialness but the terrifying key to knowing how truly insignificant we are.'She told me to got fuck myself.
Simon Pegg
People will kill you over time. And how they’ll kill you is with tiny, harmless phrases like ‘be realistic’.
Dylan Moran
He wanted the show to be fresh to audiences 50 years down the line.
Dick Van Dyke
We are no longer the knights who say Ni! We are now the knights who say ekki-ekki-ekki-pitang-zoom-boing!
Graham Chapman
...you need the tiniest bit of bravery. People get scared when you try to do something, especially when it looks like you're succeeding. People do not get scared when you are failing. It calms them. That's why the show Intervention is a hit and everyone loves "worrying about" Amanda Bynes.
Mindy Kaling
Mickey Mouse to a three-year-old is a six-foot-tall RAT!
Robin Williams
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Steven Wright
Just 'cause there's snow on the roof doesn't mean there's not a fire inside.
Bonnie Hunt
...A secure future seemed mapped out for me. Too secure, too mapped out. If I carried on in medicine, I realized I'd have a pretty good idea exactly what I'd be doing ten, twenty and even thirty years from that moment. It struck me like a halibut from the North Sea that that was not the way my life should go at all. What was the point of working on through the age of sixty-five and taking a chance on a better reincarnation next time?
Graham Chapman
The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
Steven Wright
both you and paintings are layered… first, ephemera and notations on the back of the canvas. Labels indicate gallery shows, museum shows, footprints in the snow, so to speak. Then pencil scribbles on the stretcher, usually by the artist, usually a title or date. Next the stretcher itself. Pine or something. Wooden triangles in the corners so the picture can be tapped tighter when the canvas becomes loose. Nails in the wood securing the picture to the stretcher. Next, a canvas: linen, muslin, sometimes a panel; then the gesso - a primary coat, always white. A layer of underpaint, usually a pastel color, then, the miracle, where the secrets are: the paint itself, swished around, roughly, gently, layer on layer, thick or thin, not more than a quarter of an inch ever -- God can happen in that quarter of an inch -- the occasional brush hair left embedded, colors mixed over each other, tones showing through, sometimes the weave of the linen revealing itself. The signature on top of the entire goulash. Then varnish is swabbed over the whole. Finally, the frame, translucent gilt or carved wood. The whole thing is done.
Steve Martin
I just have one of those faces. People come up to me and say, 'What's wrong?' Nothing. 'Well, it takes more energy to frown than it does to smile.' Yeah, you know it takes more energy to point that out than it does to leave me alone?
Bill Hicks
I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else's.
Craig Ferguson
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a a note on it saying, toys not included.
Bernard Manning
Y’all ever seen that 'monkeys typing in a room for eternity would eventually create the works of Shakespeare' quote? Well, one time Drew got high and stated, 'Wait, that happened already. We’re monkeys, and space is eternity, and we typed, and it happened.' He insisted we put it in the book.
Trae Crowder
Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
Lenny Bruce
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
W.C.Fields
New Rule: If an Evangelical tries to use Halloween to pimp Jesus to kids, they get to egg his house. On Halloween, the president of the American Family Association urged his flock to hand out a Christian-based comic book instead of candy. Excuse me, Halloween isn't a time to push your beliefs. You don't see me handing out pot to kids...Okay, well not the little kids.
Bill Maher
His toupee makes him look twenty years sillier.
Bill Dana
Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
Martin Mull
Love is the big booming beat which covers up the noise of hate.
Margaret Cho
Agnostics are just atheists without balls.
Stephen Colbert
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