Quotes by Comedians - Page 4

You didn't wake up, your dreams just changed gear.
Ben Elton
What did we know? This was early days. We had no idea what was out there. How dangerous it might be. It was just a school maths problem. They never asked that in the exams, did they? Like, “If John walks at three miles an hour from London to Brighton, and he's attacked by rabid grown-ups four times, and they bite his right leg off, how long will it take him to bleed to death?
Charlie Higson
Procrastination is not the problem. It is the solution. It is the universe's way of saying stop, slow down, you move too fast. Listen to the music. Whoa whoa, listen to the music. Because music makes the people come together, it makes the bourgeois and the rebel. So come on people now, smile on your brother, everybody try to love one another. Because what the world needs now is love, sweet love. And I know that love is a battlefield, but boogie on reggae woman because you're gonna make it after all. So celebrate good times, come on. I've gotta stop I've gotta come to my senses, I've been out riding fences for so long... oops I did it again... um... What I'm trying to say is, if you leave tonight and you don't remember anything else that I've said, leave here and remember this: Procrastinate now, don't put it off.
Ellen DeGeneres
If there is no fate and our interactions depend on such a complex system of chance encounters, what potentially important connections do we fail to make? What life changing relationships or passionate and lasting love affairs are lost to chance?
Simon Pegg
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
W.C.Fields
I want Jesus to come back and say 'THATS NOT WHAT I MEANT'" -
Margaret Cho
Sometimes losing a pet is more painful than losing a human because in the case of the pet, you were not pretending to love it.
Amy Sedaris
Folks, it's time to evolve. That's why we're troubled. You know why our institutions are failing us, the church, the state, everything's failing? It's because, um – they're no longer relevant. We're supposed to keep evolving. Evolution did not end with us growing opposable thumbs. You do know that, right?
Bill Hicks
A study in the Washington Post says that women havebetter verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.
Conan O'Brien
So why aren’t more marketing companies targeting our age group? Why are there so many youth-oriented programs and advertisements on television today? Why are we being ignored? Don’t companies realize they are missing a huge market?Now granted, a visit to the local mall will show you there are a lot of teenagers hanging out there these days. But are they shopping? Are they spending money? No. They’re “hanging.” Contrary to what our skin might be doing, we members of the over-forty crowd don’t “hang.” We shop, and not just window shop either. We’re serious buyers. When we pick up an item and turn it over to see the price, we often carry it right on over to the checkout counter and pay for it. Why? Because we know the energy involved with picking up items. We don’t do it unless we’re committed.
Martha Bolton
Everybody forgets the basic thing: people are not going to love you unless you love them.
Pat Carroll
That's not water. That's socialism juice. We should bomb Lake Erie.
Bill Maher
Entertainment is business: the business of fucking art in the face.
Eugene Mirman
We have created a mindset in our society where everyone wants what they want when they want it. And if we don't get what we want when we want it, we feel ripped off. To make matters worse, we intensify our problems by continuously rehashing our woe-is-me story to the entire world. Whatever it is that has the potential to keep you from enjoying the day, understand that it's not the situation itself that is causing you to be unhappy. It's your thoughts and how you allow them to control you. It's what you choose to focus on that fuels your emotions and defines your reality.
Steve Rizzo
I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know that?
Wendy Liebman
That's the thing about your destiny how are you supposed to know when it arrives? How are you supposed to recognise it from random life?
David Baddiel
50% of all facts are false and the other half are just made up
Johnny Corn
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
Tommy Cooper
I believe in love at first sight. I know it's real because I experienced it the moment I saw my wife for the first time.
Johnny Corn
Music and comedy are so linked. The rhythm of comedy is con­nected to the rhythm of music. They’re both about creating tension and knowing when to let it go. I’m always surprised when somebody funny is not musical.
Conan O'Brien
I think when men hear that women want a commitment, they think it means commitment to a romantic relationship, but that's not it. It's a commitment to not floating around anywhere. I want a guy who is entrenched in his own life.
Mindy Kaling
I'm a role model now. ... I want to be a better person because I don't want to disappoint those girls. I stop and think about my actions more. I tip great, I try not to swear too much, and I remember to thank people and be grateful. And all that stuff I do to "appear' better has actually made me a better person. I wish I had always acted like I was a little bit famous.
Mindy Kaling
Some people have a way with words, and other people...oh, uh, not have way.
Steve Martin
Watching television is like taking black spray paint to your third eye.
Bill Hicks
In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.
Bill Cosby
Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.
George Carlin
I'm sorry, 'herbal medicine', "Oh, herbal medicine's been around for thousands of years!" Indeed it has, and then we tested it all, and the stuff that worked became 'medicine'. And the rest of it is just a nice bowl of soup and some potpourri, so knock yourselves out.
Dara Ó Briain
Did you know that the United States is ranked fiftieth in the world in life expectancy? And the forty-nine loser countries where they live longer than us...they live shackled to the tyranny of nonprofit health care. Here in America, you're not coughing up blood, little Bobby, you're coughing up freedom!
Bill Maher
The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it...try to fake three laughs in an hour -- ha ha ha ha ha -- they'll take you away, man. You can't.
Lenny Bruce
I have never been drunk but I've often been overserved.
George Gobel
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Groucho Marx
The whole motivation for any performer is 'Look at me Ma.'
Lenny Bruce
I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.
Henny Youngman
This kind of mixing of ingredients happens all the time at fast-food places... You know when you order french fries and there's a rogue onion ring at the bottom. You know, at first you're alarmed but you eat it. It all comes from the same place! You just have to go for it.
Chelsea Handler
I suppose this was the first time I had ever felt an urge not to be. Never an urge to die, far less an urge to put an end to myself - simply an urge not to be. This disgusting, hostile and unlovely world was not made for me, nor I for it.
Stephen Fry
A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Groucho Marx
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle
Fair words butter no parsnips.
John Clarke
The cost of living is going up and the chance of living is going down.
Flip Wilson
The quickest way to rectify that mistake (choosing the wrong person) is by learning from that, moving on, and choosing much more wisely in the future.
Greg Behrendt
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
Rodney Dangerfield
There's more to life than love.
Ramon Bautista
Through the years, I have learned there is no harm in charging oneself up with delusions between moments of valid inspiration.
Steve Martin
When all else fails, there's always delusion.
Conan O'Brien
I don't like to overdose. Call me old-fashioned.
Chelsea Handler
With good parody, you have to be smarter that the people you’re parodying.
Craig Ferguson
If the Old Testament were a reliable guide in the matter of capital punishment, half the people in the United States would have to be killed tomorrow.
Steve Allen
From this moment on I'd dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong?
Craig Ferguson
My girlfriend and I just had make-up sex. We both wore make-up.
Randy Kagan
New Rule: If you're one of the one-in-three married women who say your pet is a better listener than your husband, you talk too much. And I have some bad news for you: Your dog's not listening, either; he's waiting for food to fall out of your mouth.
Bill Maher
As you get to thirty, the main thing is to not be sensible.
Mark Steel
If you are her man, she will talk to you until there justaren’t any more words left to say, encourage you when you’reat rock bottom and think there just isn’t any way out, hold youin her arms when you’re sick, and laugh with you when you’reup. And if you’re her man and that woman loves you—I meanreally loves you?—she will shine you up when you’re dusty,encourage you when you’re down, defend you even when she’snot so sure you were right, and hang on your every word, evenwhen you’re not saying anything worth listening to.
Steve Harvey
I hate housework! You make the beds you do the dishes - and six months later you have to start all over again.
Joan Rivers
Before I speak, I have something important to say.
Groucho Marx
If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.
George Carlin
But females in even the most advanced Muslim countries are simply, by law, not the equal of men.
Bill Maher
hobos' (a slang term that combines the words 'hope' and 'bowl of beans given to me for free by a woman who then initiated intercourse')
Patton Oswalt
Rebel children, I urge you, fight the turgid slick of conformity with which they seek to smother your glory.
Russell Brand
Nothing seems crazy when you're used to it.
Sarah Silverman
See what I mean? You gotta be crazy. Ain't no time to be sane.
Robin McLaurin Williams