Quotes by Comedians - Page 35

I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.
Demetri Martin
In the race for love I was scratched.
Joan Davis
They all laughed when I said I'd become a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.
Bob Monkhouse
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
George Carlin
A hotel room all to myself is my idea of a good time.
Chelsea Handler
I made a decision early on that I would be a plain girl with tons of personality, and accepting it made everything a lot easier. If you are lucky, there is a moment in your life when you have some say as to what your currency is going to be. I decided early on it was not going to be my looks. I have spent a lifetime coming to terms with this idea and I would say I am about 15 to 20 percent there. Which I think is great progress. Decide what your currency is early. Let go of what you will never have. People who do this are happier and sexier.
Amy Poehler
New Rule: The Napa Valley is Disneyland for alcoholics. Be honest, you're not visiting wineries in four days because you're an oenophile, you're doing it because you're a drunk. It's the only place in America where you can pass out in a stranger's house and it's okay, because it's a B&B and you paid for it.
Bill Maher
The bias of the mainstream media is toward sensationalism, conflict, and laziness.
Jon Stewart
A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.
Bill Cosby
If everything is amplified, we hear nothing.
Jon Stewart
We love America just as much as they do. But in a different way. You see, they love America like a 4-year-old loves his mommy. Liberals love America like grown-ups. To a 4-year-old, everything Mommy does is wonderful and anyone who criticizes Mommy is bad. Grown-up love means actually understanding what you love, taking the good with the bad and helping your loved one grow.
Al Franken
If he’s not calling you, it’s because you are not on his mind. If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn’t follow through on little things, he will do same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he’s okay with disappointing you. Don’t be with someone who doesn’t do what they say they’re going to do. If he’s choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn’t respect your feelings and needs. “Busy” is another word for “asshole.” “Asshole” is another word for the guy you’re dating. You deserve a fcking phone call.
Greg Behrendt
We had a very successful trip to Russia we got back.
Bob Hope
The Crusaders lead to the Knights Templar; the Knights Templar lead to the Masons; and the Masons lead to the Shriners, a secret society that controls world government, toys with our banking system, and single-handedly keeps the fez industry afloat.
Stephen Colbert
Pakistan is an Islamic country and the victim of an Easter terrorist attack. Groups like Isis or in this case the Taliban are not about religion. No more than the KKK is about Christianity. These groups are about hate! I did post on the Pakistani attack because it is really important to point out that brown and black people in the middle east and Africa are being killed. Terrorism isn't about Islam. It is about hate. SO let's fight this hate. Let's stand united with our Islamic brothers and sisters who are being slaughtered. Step back from judging a religion you are not exposed to. Understand that we need to work together. ALL faiths. That's how we defeat this
Johnny Corn
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
W.C.Fields
I said, "Is there!" I told him there is a Mafia school where they teach them math — if Johnny has ten fingers and they cut off two, how many does he have left?
Joan Rivers
I know lots more old drunks than old doctors.
Joe E. Lewis
I knew that I had been partially right in the storeroom above the bar on Christmas Day. Whoever I had become had to die.
Craig Ferguson
Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.
Groucho Marx
As far as I can tell, kids are called bossy when they behave in a dictatorial and domineering fashion. They’re called bossy when they try to order people around and refuse to listen to authority figures. Here’s a suggestion: instead of telling us not to refer to them as bossy, why don’t we teach them not to be bossy? We concentrate so much on eradicating negative words while forgetting to address the behavior that the words describe.
Matt Walsh
Everything we do in life is based on fear, especially love.
Mel Brooks
Stick in and do my best.
Rhona Cameron
Each city in the southeastern part of the United States has its own unique type of specialty food that can be only found in that city, and it all happens to be called 'barbecue'.
Jim Gaffigan
I will be forever grateful to Dora Brooking, for not only spotting my light bulb but also helping me turn up the wattage.
Simon Pegg
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
Phyllis Diller
You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.
Chelsea Handler
Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child.
Groucho Marx
Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.
Stephen Colbert
I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.
George Carlin
My father watched football with the sound off because he lived in fear of hearing the voice of Howard Cosell.
Rita Rudner
Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain.America, America, man sheds his waste on thee,And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.
George Carlin
I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired,' said Maxie.'I know how that feels,' said Blue.'I think some Pharaoh had that carved on his tomb,' Maxie added.'Yeah? Times don't change much, do they?
Charlie Higson
There are certain people who will always seek to criticize. This has nothing to do with you. It must be hard to be inside their head, you know? I mean if they find so much fault in everyone around them... then one can only imagine the faults they must see in themselves.
Hannah Hart
California is a fine place to live, if you happen to be an orange.
Fred Allen
I don't like the new president who hunts muslim extremists, I like the old president who is a muslim extremist.
Stephen Colbert
Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
Rodney Dangerfield
I didn't flee a dictator or swim an ocean to be an American like some do. I just thought long and hard about it.
Craig Ferguson
God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.
Stephen Colbert
Politics is not just about power and money games, politics can be about the improvement of people's lives, about lessening human suffering in our world and bringing about more peace and more justice. -Paul Wellstone (Minnesota Senator, Al Franken predecessor)
Al Franken
What happens when the hitcher and the driver are equally murderous?
Steve Aylett
Be so good they can't ignore you.
Steve Martin
You wonder sometimes how our government puts on its pants in the morning.
Jon Stewart
It’s absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we’ve got rockets, we’ve got saran wrap – FIX IT!!!
Lewis Black
Thomas Jefferson once said: 'Of course the people don't want war. But the people can be brought to the bidding of their leader. All you have to do is tell them they're being attacked and denounce the pacifists for somehow a lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.' I think that was Jefferson. Oh wait. That was Hermann Goering. Shoot."[Hosting the Peabody Awards for broadcasting excellence at the New York Waldorf-Astoria, June 6, 2006]
Jon Stewart
Expectation is the dirtiest word in a traveler's vocabulary.
John Early
Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.
Demetri Martin
I normally don't do requests. Unless, of course, I have been asked to do so.
Victor Borge
I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuckin' heroic.
George Carlin
Just be yourself -- it's the only way it can work.
Johnny Carson
If you believe in yourself and work hard, your dreams will come
Mindy Kaling
Life is short. If you doubt me, ask a butterfly. Their average life span is a mere five to fourteen days.
Ellen DeGeneres
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
George Carlin
I don't know anything about luck. I've never banked on it and I'm afraid of people who do. Luck to me is something else hard work and realizing what is opportunity and what isn't.
Lucille Ball
They had been there. I had seen my mother’s anxious face, desperate to catch my eye and give me a warm smile. I had tried to smile back, but I had not known how. That old curse again. How to smile. If I smiled too broadly it might look like triumphalism; if I smiled too weakly it might look like a feeble bid for sympathy. If I smiled somewhere in between it would, I knew, look, as always, like plain smugness. Somehow I managed to bare my teeth in a manner that expressed, I hope, sorrow, gratitude, determination, shame, remorse and resolve.
Stephen Fry
In general, things either work out or they don’t, and if they don’t, you figure out something else, a plan B. There’s nothing wrong with plan B.
Dick Van Dyke
I used to think it utterly normal that I suffered from “suicidal ideation” on an almost daily basis. In other words, for as long as I can remember, the thought of ending my life came to me frequently and obsessively.
Stephen Fry
Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor.
Groucho Marx
Microeconomists are wrong about specific things and macroeconomists are wrong about things in general!
Yoram Bauman
One afternoon, when I was four years old, my father came home, and he found me in the living room in front of a roaring fire, which made him very angry. Because we didn't have a fireplace.
Victor Borge