Quotes by Comedians - Page 34

FIRST AMENDMENT No one shall give a damn about your religion. Freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can say whatever you want about prayer and God and rules and gays, and everyone else has to take it. It means you can say whatever you want about all that, but I can then say back to you, “Your church is a cult, and all the women in it are fat.” So suck it up, Brother Daryl.
Trae Crowder
... Our language, tiger, our language: hundreds of thousands of available words, frillions of legitimate new ideas... And yet, oh, and yet, we, all of us, spend all our days saying to each other the same things time after weary time: "I love you," "Don't go in there," "Get out," "You have no right to say that," "Stop it," "Why should I," "That hurt," "Help," "Marjorie is dead.
Stephen Fry
People have the power we give them. Words have the power we give them.
Whoopi Goldberg
Procrastinate now, don't put it off.
Ellen DeGeneres
I lost my mind. I lunged at him and inhaled all of his fries standing up a foot away from the trash can. No food is as delicious as food you eat standing a foot away from a trash can. Ask any possum.
Mindy Kaling
Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
Rita Rudner
So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then President Clinton lied about a relationship, and everyone was surprised! A little naïve, I feel!
Eddie Izzard
It's so common, it could be anyone. The trouble is, nobody wants to talk about it. And that makes everything worse.
Ruby Wax
Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that grapefruit was a great detoxifier and I decided I wanted to start cleaning out my liver WHILE I was having a cocktail.
Chelsea Handler
Why is it that when we talk to God we’re said to be praying, but when God talks to us we’re schizophrenic?
Lily Tomlin
You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.
Steve Martin
I crept in to find my father with pennies on his eyes - and looking closer I saw they were made of foil-covered chocolate. Of course I stole and ate them. Magical guilt? Tell me about it
Steve Aylett
So yes, I say things I regret constantly, and I just can't help it.
Kathy Griffin
She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
Joan Rivers
In a democracy, of course, you always get a choice:Do you want to be governed by the red or by the blue? It's entirely up to you.Do you want to be patronized or condescended to by liars or by crooks? You get to choose.Would you prefer your fundamental values to be insulted or ignored by con men or by charlatans?In short, do you want your influence to be zero or nil?And when would you like to be listened to, never or not at all?It's your choice. Do you want some more choice?Take it or leave it. Now there's a real choice.
Pat Condell
If you were in a bar, would you ever go up to a guy or girl and repeat the word "hey" without getting a response? Would you ever go up to a woman you met two minutes ago and beg her to show you one of your boobs? And do you really want to bone someone who responds to this?
Aziz Ansari
Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.
Steve Martin
Our family car was the antithesis of designs and desirability. It was like driving Hitler's moustache.
Samantha Bee
I don't generally feel anything until noon then it's time for my nap.
Bob Hope
Having someone do certain things for you is like getting someone to chew your food for you.It might be easier to swallow but it loses all its flavor...And you want the flavor!
Ze Frank
Sex can lead to nasty things like herpes, gonorrhea, and something called relationships.
Sacha Baron Cohen
Only now I have added "living green" to the list. And that's when I realize: there is no ending to the story. There is no "I lost my 70 pounds and my house is completely green." It's an ongoing process. There is no end game.It's like success. You think that at some point you make it and then it's easy. Nope. The hard work never goes away. In some ways it's harder. No coasting.
Jeff Garlin
After Jesus showed up, the Old Testament basically became a way for Bible publishers to keep their word coun
Stephen Colbert
Me I'm just a hack. I'm just a schlep-per. I just do what I can do.
Bette Midler
Allowances can always be made for your friends to disagree with you. Disagreement, vehement disagreement, is healthy. Debate is impossible without it. Evil does not question itself, only hope questions itself. Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken. Infallibility is a sin in any man. All laws can be broken and are. Often. Like when a bumblebee flies or an ancient regime is toppled.
Craig Ferguson
If you're too serious to make life a laughing matter, then you seriously need to make laughter matter to you today and every day!
Jeannine M. Luby
It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot.
George Carlin
Let me give you an idea how long ago they got married. You know where they met? . . . At a Cubs World Series game.
Jay Leno
I really think guys only need two pairs of shoes. A nice pair of black shoes and a pair of Chuck Taylors.
Mindy Kaling
Being in therapy is great. I spend an hour just talking about myself. It's kinda like being the guy on a date.
Caroline Rhea
Science seeks the truth. And it does not discriminate. For better or worse it finds things out. Science is humble. It knows what it knows and it knows what it doesn’t know. It bases its conclusions and beliefs on hard evidence -­- evidence that is constantly updated and upgraded. It doesn’t get offended when new facts come along. It embraces the body of knowledge. It doesn’t hold on to medieval practices because they are tradition.
Ricky Gervais
We often live next to monsters unawares.
Christopher Buehlman
I watched 60 Minutes...and they showed this woman, she's in every kind of..thing like that. 'This woman', they say, 'she lost her first four children--died from malnutrition--and, now, she's afraid that her new six-month-old newborn twins will suffer the same fate'. ... Who's going to step in and say...'kick her in the cunt 'til it doesn't work', 'that woman is a sociopath! that is a sick human being!'. ... How much of a sociopath do you need to be? That is the slow ritual torture-murder of children, one after another! At what point does cause-and-effect not kick in? How many bulb-headed skeletons have to go stiff in your arms?! ... 'what? this one's not working... oh, well let's try again', one after another. At what point do you not go 'I think this is bad'? ... How many kids are you going to fuckin' kill, lady? ... If you impregnate someone under those conditions, they should abort the parents! that's sick!
Doug Stanhope
The best cure for hypochondria is to forget about your own body and get interested in someone else's.
Goodman Ace
I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
Steve Martin
Take the stupidest thing you've ever done. At least it's done. It's over. It's gone. We can all learn from our mistakes and heal and move on. But it's harder to learn or heal or move on from something that hasn't happened; something we don't know and is therefore indefinable; something which could very easily have been the best thing in our lives, if only we'd taken the plunge, if only we'd held our breath and stood up and done it, if only we'd said yes.
Danny Wallace
If you like easygoing monogamous men stay away from billionaires.
Rita Rudner
The world is getting too small for both an Us and a Them. Us and Them have become codependent, intertwined, fixed to one another. We have no separate fates, but are bound together in one. And our fear of one another is the only thing capable of our undoing.
Sam Killermann
As soon as you find the key to success somebody always changes the lock.
Tracey Ullman
Just do your best," Mom said. "You can't do any better than your best.
Kim Wayans
Humor is just another defense against the universe.
Mel Brooks
My parents spent countless hours teaching me to read and write. My mother was an English teacher who patiently taught me where to put my periods and commas, and my father, who loves books more than anyone I know, taught me from an early age that books are precious and should be handled gently , "like butterflies.
Jessi Klein
Divorce is a marital welfare. It's just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn't do enough research before they got married. How is that our fault? Don't drag down my country's statistics just because you ran off and got hitched before you ever saw each other in a bad mood.
Stephen Colbert
So I'm over there in England, you know, trying to get news about the [L.A.] riots... and all these Brit people are trying to sympathize with me... 'Oh Bill, crime is horrible. Bill, if it's any consolation crime is horrible here, too.' ...Shutup. This is Hobbitown and I am Bilbo Hicks, Okay? This is a land of fairies and elves. You do not have crime like we have crime, but I appreciate you trying to be, you know, Diplomatic. You gotta see English crime. It's hilarious, you don't know if you're reading the front page or the comic section over there. I swear to God. I read an article - front page of the paper - one day, in England: 'Yesterday, some Hooligans knocked over a dustbin in Shafsbry.' Wooooo... 'The hooligans are loose! The hooligans are loose! What if they become roughians? I would hate to be a dustbin in Shafsbry tonight.
Bill Hicks
I always gravitate towards things that are not beautiful, but broken and weird and fascinating
Kate McKinnon
It is the useless things that make life worth living and that make life dangerous too: wine, love, art, beauty. Without them life is safe, but not worth bothering with.
Stephen Fry
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.
Rodney Dangerfield
Laughing made me feel safe. I was not going to be enveloped by the seediness that coated this world like dust.
Joan Rivers
Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for movie stars.
Fred Allen
I regret that I didn’t realize that actually they’ve got no power over you at school — it’s all just a trick to indoctrinate you into being a conditioned, tame, placid citizen. Rebel, children, I urge you, fight the turgid slick of conformity with which they seek to smother your glory.
Russell Brand
Of course, with any new technology, the question in the back of everyone's mind is 'Can I have sex with it or use it to kill people?'-Flintstones Vol. 2: Bedrock Bedlam
Mark Russell
My mom raised me as if there were no limitations on where I could go or what I could do. When I look back I realize she raised me like a white kid - not white culturally, but in the sense of believing that the world was my oyster, that I should speak up for myself, that my ideas and thoughts and decisions mattered.
Trevor Noah
It never ceases to amaze me how much people talk about relationships, think about them, read about them, ask about them - even get in them without a clue how to move them forward.
Steve Harvey
Funny how women are ashamed of their inner fairy whereas men are forever proudly displaying their inner cowboy or fireman
Dawn French
A man fishes for two reasons: he’s either sport fishing or fishing to eat, which means he’s either going to try to catch the biggest fish he can, take a picture of it, admire it with his buddies and toss it back to sea, or he’s going to take that fish on home, scale it, fillet it, toss it in some cornmeal, fry it up, and put it on his plate. This, I think, is a great analogy for how men seek out women.
Steve Harvey
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Rodney Dangerfield
No one ever wants to hear about how stressed out anyone else is, because most of the time everyone is stressed out. Going on and on in detail about how stressed out I am isn't a conversation. It'll never lead anywhere.
Mindy Kaling
You see, I don't belive that libraries should be drab places where people sit in silence, that has been the main reason for our policy of employing wild animals as librarians.
Graham Chapman
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
Jerry Seinfeld
Any closer would unravel her mystery, the very thing which made her so truly beautiful...It was her mystery that he adored. He was in love with everything that he did not know about her... No real sexual encounter could ever match the secret one that he could nurture in his imagination... No living flesh could ever be the erotic equal of flesh kept private, untouchable and unknowable
Ben Elton