Quotes by Comedians - Page 32

THE HOLIDAYS ARE RUINED!This book is one page long and just contains that one sentence.
Amy Poehler
Fuck rational thought
George Carlin
I've always wanted to be somebody but I see now I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.
Bill Hicks
Don't hold onto things, it will only bring you pain.
Ellen DeGeneres
They were the Saturday Club, a secret society of which only the four of them were aware and which none other could join.
Ben Elton
Always maintain the attitude of a student. When a person thinks they have finished learning, that is when bitterness and disappointment can set in, as that person will wake up everyday wondering when someone is going to throw a parade in their honour for being so smart.
Nick Offerman
A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
Bob Hope
I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
Steven Wright
If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
Steven Wright
It seemed harmless enough until she misplaced her "Dildo" and started calling the neighbors to ask if she could borrow one of theirs!
Mollie Gross
When danger reared its ugly head, He bravely turned his tail and fled.
Graham Chapman
People who dismiss all capitalism or all socialism are opposite ends of the same kind of stupid.
T.J. Kirk
Laughter is a tangible evidence of hope.
Michael Jr.
I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show.
George Carlin
My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex she objects.
Les Dawson
Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
Phyllis Diller
Ma'am is yet another horrible-sounding word in the lexicon of words that women are stuck with to describe various aspects of their body/life/mental state/hair. Vagina. Moist. Fallopian tubes. Yeast infection. Clitoris. Frizz. These are all terrible words, and yet they are our assigned descriptors. Who made up these words? Women certainly didn't. If, at the beginning of time, right after making vaginas, God had asked me, 'What would you like your most intimate and enjoyable part of yourself to be called?',' I most certainly wouldn't have said, 'Vagina.' No woman would, because vagina sounds like a First World War term that was invented to describe a trench that has been mostly blown apart but is still in use. Even off the very top of my head I feel like I could have come up with something better, like for instance the word papoose, which actually as I'm typing it feels like an incredibly brilliant word for vagina.
Jessi Klein
I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!
Steven Wright
I try not to speak to critics. It only encourages them.-Snagglepuss
Mark Russell
There is nothing more liberating than having your worst fear realized.
Conan O'Brien
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
George Carlin
Trawling through a dusty attic of my addled memory I found that I’d been rather in a lot of daft and amusing situations, so I set about writing them down. The only problem being that I was a lot better at telling stories than writing them, probably because telling them involves a lot less typing and a lot more shouting.
Guy Pratt
A key and a strangler - this is all a simple tale requires.
Steve Aylett
Impossible is Nothing,” it said. “Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they’ve been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible is not a fact. It’s an opinion. Impossible is not a declaration. It’s a dare. Impossible is potential. Impossible is temporary. Impossible is nothing.
Elna Baker
To the people who are upset about their hard-earned tax money going to things they don’t like: welcome to the f*cking club. Reimburse me for the Iraq war and oil subsidies, and diaphragms are on me!
Jon Stewart
The greatest thing ever in the history of the world and of all of human endeavor from time immemorial is stories.
Rainn Wilson
I’m chasing after that Holy Shit effect.If this sounds arrogant, that’s because it is. If you don’t believe in your own greatness, no one else will. You’re limited only by your doubts, your fears, and your desire to fit in rather than stand out.And there’s room in this world for all of us to stand out.
Kevin Hart
Jeff- "A Hanukkah tradition is making potato pancakes. For something a little different, use a sweet potato. Anything you'd like to add, Walter?"Walter- "Accept Jesus as your Savior or you'll burn in Hell for all eternity.
Jeff Dunham
There is more that unites us than divides us. So make it a point to talk with someone who is different from you. You may find that you have more in common than you think
Johnny Corn
I’m not going to censor myself to comfort your ignorance
Jon Stewart
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
W.C.Fields
If love is the answer could you rephrase the question?
Lily Tomlin
I've learned to take time for myself and to treat myself with a great deal of love and respect 'cause I like me.... I think I'm kind of cool.
Whoopi Goldberg
I will defend the absolute value of Mozart over Miley Cyrus, of course I will, but we should be wary of false dichotomies. You do not have to choose between one or the other. You can have both. The human cultural jungle should be as varied and plural as the Amazonian rainforest. We are all richer for biodiversity. We may decide that a puma is worth more to us than a caterpillar, but surely we can agree that the habitat is all the better for being able to sustain each.
Stephen Fry
My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada.
Ellen DeGeneres
I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone.
Robin Williams
In America, we know to ignore artists if they're serious in any way.
Stephen Colbert
It must be around forty, when you're "over the hill." I don't even know what that means and why it's a bad thing. When I go hiking and I get over the hill, that means I'm past the hard part and there's a snack in my future. That's a good thing as far as I'm concerned.
Ellen DeGeneres
Spring is nature's way of saying "Let's party!"
Robin Williams
We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels & free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep & conformists.
Bill Maher
Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.
Bob Monkhouse
Tho' you're tired and weary, still journey on, Till you come to your happy abode,Where all the love you've been dreaming of,Will be there at the end of the road.
Harry Lauder
It's the fine balance of caffeine and alcohol that bookends my days
Tim Minchin
Everything you are is a feature of your brain, and as such much of what your brain does is dedicated to making you look and feel as good as possible. ]...] For example by modifying your memories to make you feel better about yourself.
Dean Burnett
The first drops of rain started to fall.'God's policemen,' said Jester. 'You what?' 'The police always used to pray for rain before any big demonstration because people wouldn't turn up. Nobody wants to run riot in the streets if it's pouring with rain. Who's going to want to fight in this?
Charlie Higson
Here is my final point. About drugs, about alcohol, about pornography and smoking and everything else. What business is it of yours what I do, read, buy, see, say, think, who I fuck, what I take into my body - as long as I do not harm another human being on this planet?
Bill Hicks
Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought...once you've hired the car...
Tim Key
The past is a ghost, the future a dream and all we ever have is now.
Bill Cosby
The biggest challenge facing the great teachers and communicators of history is not to teach history itself, nor even the lessons of history, but why history matters. How to ignite the first spark of the will o'the wisp, the Jack o'lantern, the ignis fatuus [foolish fire] beloved of poets, which lights up one source of history and then another, zigzagging across the marsh, connecting and linking and writing bright words across the dark face of the present. There's no phrase I can come up that will encapsulate in a winning sound-bite why history matters. We know that history matters, we know that it is thrilling, absorbing, fascinating, delightful and infuriating, that it is life. Yet I can't help wondering if it's a bit like being a Wagnerite; you just have to get used to the fact that some people are never going to listen.
Stephen Fry
If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it.
George Carlin
I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.
George Carlin
Whether I or anyone else accepted the concept of alcoholism as a disease didn't matter; what mattered was that when treated as a disease, those who suffered from it were most likely to recover.
Craig Ferguson
Draw a circle, not a heart, around the one you love because a heart can break but a circle goes on forever.
Danny Kaye
Maybe your aunt is funny in quiet moments with her friends because like many women her age, she was taught to not draw attention to herself. And maybe she also noticed how men of her generation weren't attracted to the women who spoke out of turn and uttered their own opinions out loud. And certainly these types of men weren't attracted to women who were funnier than them. Women have always been funny. They just weren't interested in sharing their jokes with you. Truth in point, my mom is hilarious. She has also been single since 1974.
W. Kamau Bell
One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.
Groucho Marx
If it weren't for acid, you might not have an IPod, and you definitely would not have some of the best music in your IPod.
Bill Maher
He started writing poetry again, but it didn't come as easily. It was hard now to get past the self-consciousness - the silliness, really - of being such a well-established adult applying himself, seriously, to such a youthful joy.
B.J. Novak
L.A.'s large convenience stores are so big they can accommodate up to twenty armed robbers at one time.
Jay Leno
I was once asked to pick a couple of records for an interview I was doing on Radio 2. I picked one by Will Oldham and one by Joanna Newsom. Someone on the production phoned me to say that I couldn't have either record because they were 'too alternative' and I could just pick two from their playlist. Now, personally, I think that Radio 2's listeners would dig both Joanna Newsom and Will Oldham if they heard their records, and that the fact they don't get to hear them contributes to the cultural wasteland we live in. I told them that I'd been to see Joanna Newsom in the Albert Hall a couple of weeks before and it had been sold out. How could she be 'too alternative'? 'Alternative' and 'mainstream' aren't strictly to do with whether things are popular or minority interest. They are ideological labels. Someone like Joe Pasquale would be called 'mainstream' and regularly pops up on TV, but would play the smaller end of the touring-theatre circuit. If Joanna Newsom can sell out Albert Hall, why can't she get played on Radio 2? I would agree that it's because her work is too layered, challenging and interesting. Think about that. What you get to hear about is filtered, and not filtered to get rid of useless cunts like Joe Pasquale, but of things that might enrich your life.
Frankie Boyle