Quotes by Comedians - Page 3

How dare you? How dare you create a world in which there is such misery that is not our fault? It's not right. It's utterly, utterly evil. Why should I respect a capricious, mean-minded, stupid god who creates a world which is so full of injustice and pain.
Stephen Fry
Busty’ Roberts had joined the Royal Artillery in 1914 and since then had steadily risen to the rank of Gunner. Now the crunch: someone with a perverted sense of humour made him a Lance Bombardier. Roberts went insane with power. The war now consisted of two people, him and Hitler.
Spike Milligan
Glenn! Most people want to die when they get the stomach flu. You threw up everything but your spleen and you just kept going.” My eyes well up and my breathing gets shallow. “For Danny.” “Nah. For you! You’re a tough motherfucker, Glenn.
Glenn Rockowitz
..why sit on the sidelines of life at any age?
Dick Van Dyke
Like literally, the final moments of life come to mind when I begin to love someone. I think, Will this dude push my wheelchair? And even scarier, Would I be willing to push his?
Amy Schumer
I am so beautiful, sometimes people weep when they see me. And it has nothing to do with what I look like really, it is just that I gave myself the power to say that I am beautiful, and if I could do that, maybe there is hope for them too. And the great divide between the beautiful and the ugly will cease to be. Because we are all what we choose.
Margaret Cho
Books have been vastly important in my life - as both a reader and a writer. I've learned that the great gift of literature is that someone else's tale becomes a chapter of your story. And I still feel books are the best art form for making contact with another consciousness, which is why reading a good book by yourself never feels lonely.
Bob Smith
I am just turning 40 and taking my time about it.
Harold Lloyd
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Steven Wright
I used to look at Jinks and marvel at her smooth complexion, but over the years I have come to realise that she has been spared wrinkles by virtue of never having succumbed to heavy thought.
Sandi Toksvig
Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.
Ray Romano
Frightfully pale and perpetually odd
Sue Perkins
Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.
Steven Wright
Do you know what happens when you play a country song backwards? You get your wife back, your dog back and your job back.
Richard Belzer
They say that 'Guns don't kill people, people kill people.' Well I think the gun helps. If you just stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.
Eddie Izzard
Seeing your mother naked is not something you easily recover from. Seeing your mother naked and jumping from one side of a king-sized bed to the other with a nurse's hat on while your father, who is also naked, is chasing her with a bandanna around his neck, is reason to put yourself up for adoption.
Chelsea Handler
Love is described like GOD.
Sara Pascoe
For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
Johnny Carson
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
Groucho Marx
Our Congressmen are the finest body of men money can buy.
Maury Amsterdam
The internet is just a world passing notes around a classroom.
Jon Stewart
is there any I could get a glass of water?"[waiter]There is no way... I toss and turn many a night trying to think up some way some how I could get glasses of water to costomers but I keep coming up empty..... Legend has it there was a waiter here many years ago... who had figured out a way to do just that but he is long gone and with him the secret. It had something to do with a glass rack and a faucet but no one has been able to put the pieces together so I must say no there is no way. HOW I WISH THERE WAS A WAY!!!
Brian Regan
I was the best man at the wedding. So why is she marrying him?
Jerry Seinfeld
The definition of black irony is Pro-lifers killing Doctors who do abortions
Bill Hicks
Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
Steven Wright
We have truth in order not to die of art.
Steve Aylett
The saddest realization I’ve had in my life is that my parents are people. Sad, human people. I aged a decade in that moment.
Amy Schumer
Emotions are like passing storms, and you have to remind yourself that it won't rain forever.
Amy Poehler
Nature is beautiful in all its chaos. However, a nature photograph is beautiful only in the absence of chaos.
Mike MacDonald
I haven't spoken to my wife in years-I didn't want to interrupt her.
Rodney Dangerfield
Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
George Carlin
There hasn't been a scandal this big at the C.I.A. since (CLASSIFIED) committed (CENSORED) to (REDACTED).
Stephen Colbert
I'd like to start a family but you have to have a date first.
Larry David
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
Dean Martin
There are so many people in the world with so little. Who cares why you decide to help?
Amy Poehler
Who are these people sharing the street with me? What is going on in their worlds, inside their heads? Are they in love? If so, is it the kind that Mum and Dad have? Based on having things in common, like raspberry picking and a love of dogs, and Shakespeare, and long country walks? Or is it the knock-you-out, eat-you-up, set-you-on-fire kind of love that I have longed for-and avoided-all my life?
Alison Larkin
Get there early because hope does not park your mother-fucking car.
Jon Stewart
I will have a deeper and personal relationship with my life. I will not have a casual fling with my life. I will find peace in that. I want to contribute to the world around me. Casual debauchery is not fulfilling. I want to send good messages and good meanings along the way. The journey is about spreading love and understanding. Not using each other. Not distraction. Tools for presence in life. I want to bond with like-minded people who echo my appreciation and awareness for them.
Hannah Hart
This guy put the suck in success.
David Letterman
Men forget everything women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened.
Rita Rudner
Mere lack of evidence, of course, is no reason to denounce a theory. Look at intelligent design. The fact that it is bollocks hasn’t stopped a good many people from believing in it. Darwinism itself is only supported by tons of evidence, which is a clear indication that Darwin didn’t write his books himself.
Eric Idle
Humor is just another defense against theuniverse.
Mel Brooks
Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system.
Ellen DeGeneres
Here's something else to think about: calling when you say you're going to is the very first brick in the house you are building of love and trust. If he can't lay this one stupid brick down, you ain't never gonna have a house baby, and it's cold outside.
Greg Behrendt
If I could go back and say one thing to my younger self it would be: YOU ARE NOT FAT.
Jennifer Saunders
Death is beautiful, part of life... No, it is sad. It’s sad when anyone dies. Even though every single human dies. So it’s really not that sad.
Harris Wittels
I must be getting absent-minded. Whenever I complain that things aren't what they used to be I always forget to include myself.
George Burns
The worst part of success is trying to find someone who is happy for you.
Bette Midler
And, sincerely, we respect her stance. The Liberal Rednecks are all about standing up for your beliefs even when they’re hateful, bigoted, and go against everything your alleged Lord and Savior stood for. The thing is, doing that would have involved quitting her job—but that’s just something the four-times-married mother was not prepared to do for her faith. Go on TV and be called a hero by powerful politicians who agree with her and her “stand”? Sure, that’s fine. Have the Church pay for her legal bills and prop her up (instead of, oh we don’t know, giving that money to the poor)? Yes, sir. But actually quit instead of breaking an oath (which, by the way, is a sin)? That’s just something Jesus apparently wouldn’t do. Kim Davis is an analogy for Christians at large in the South. She was not oppressed. She was not forced to do anything. She could have quit. The truth is she did not want to quit her job as an elected official. She wanted to bend the political will of those around her so she could prevent other humans from marrying each other because she didn’t like the idea of it. That’s not oppression—that’s someone trying to use the inordinate amount of power they have (over the media and literally as the clerk) to affect the lives of strangers she disagrees with. Guess what that is? Yup. That is oppression.
Trae Crowder
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
George Carlin
That's why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? ... They are Evil.
Craig Ferguson
Life is sacred"? Who said so? God? Hey, if you read history, you realize that God is one of the leading causes of death! Has been for thousands of years! Hindus, Muslims, Jews, Christians; all taking turns killing each other because God told 'em it was a good idea.
George Carlin
I was at a dinner party many years ago,sitting along from Tom Stoppard, who in those days smoked not just between courses,but between mouthfuls. An American woman watched in disbelief."And you so intelligent!""Excuse me?" said tom"Knowing those things are going to kill you" she said "and still you do it.""How differently I might behave" Tom said, "if immortality were an option
Stephen Fry
We needed a refrigerator for our new place and I've never bought a refrigerator my whole life. I went into the appliance store, there's like 900 of 'em lined up, there's a salesman there. What's this guy supposed to say about refrigerators? "Well you got this refrigerator here, This keeps all your food cold for 600...You've got this refrigerator, This keeps all your food cold for 800...Check this out, 1400, keeps all your food cold.
Brian Regan
The dead shouldn’t cry, not even the lesser dead.
Christopher Buehlman
Are You Driving With Your Eyes Open? Or Are You like Using The Force?
Eddie Murphy- Beverly Hills Cop
I read that Monica Seles got stabbed. And although I have nothing against Monica Seles, I'm glad somebody in sports got stabbed. I like the idea of it; it's good entertainment. If we're lucky, it'll spread through sports. And show business, too! Wouldn't you like to see a guy jump up on stage and stab some famous singer? Especially a real shitty pop singer? Maybe they'll even start stabbing comedians. Fuck it, I'm ready! I never perform without my can of mace. I have a switchblade knife, too. I'll cut your eye out and go right on telling jokes.
George Carlin
People treat having a kid as somehow retiring from success. Quitting. Have you seen a baby? They’re pretty cute. Loving them is pretty easy. Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant. Being happy is really the definition of success, isn’t it?
Jim Gaffigan
If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.
W.C.Fields
Because racism exists, and you have to pick a side. You can say that you don’t pick sides, but eventually life will force you to pick a side.
Trevor Noah