Quotes by Comedians - Page 29

The American arrives in Paris with a few French phrases he has culled from a conversational guide or picked up from a friend who owns a beret.
Fred Allen
Every human being has hundreds of separate people living under his skin. The talent of a writer is his ability to give them their separate names, identities, personalities and have them relate to other characters living with him.
Mel Brooks
How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.
George Carlin
This gathering is what I call "intimate " which really means "Where is everybody?"
Tim Conway
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over he would have put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isn’t fashionable.
Craig Ferguson
Sore loser? You bet your fuckin' ass! What on earth is wrong with being a sore loser? It shows you cared about whatever the contest was in the first place. Fuck losing graciously-that's for chumps. And losers, by the way.
George Carlin
She lives the poetry she cannot write
Larry Wilde
In order to find the edge you must risk going over the edge.
Dennis Dugan
Sticks and stones may break your bones but words can break hearts.
Tim Minchin
I realize that I am not a journalist. So anything I say is not important.
Craig Ferguson
The big bad monster wasn't green and hiding under the bed, it wore tasteless floral prints, bright scarlet lipstick and sat in the kitchen smoking and saying 'bollocks' alot.
Jo Brand
To positively discriminate in favour of groups that have been negatively discriminated against in the past.
Ben Elton
We are never more creative than when we are at odds with the world and there is nothing so artistically destructive as comfort. Princess Leia taught me that.
Simon Pegg
Of course, to avoid getting stuck in that convo with someone you dislike or feel uncomfortable around, don't be passive, be proactive. Do not let them direct your interaction on their terms, do it on yours. Ask a Misdirection Question--something too difficult to answer quickly--e.g., 'What's Congress up to?' or 'You ever learn any cool science?' When you ask the question, don't make eye contact, keep moving and get out of there. Do not wait for a response and deny ever asking it. Repeat these actions until you are never again spoken to by that individual (about four times).
Eugene Mirman
On how to become a good speaker: Practice all the time. One of the best ways is to put a bunch of marbles in your mouth while you talk. Slowly but surely you take away a marble. And then when you've lost all your marbles you're a public speaker.
George Jessel
People who ask you if you’ve ever seen a ghost are always people who believe in ghosts. They’re limbering up to tell their own ghost story. These are always remarkably tedious efforts about feeling as if someone had brushed past them but nobody being there. I always think that if you’re lying anyway you should at least make it interesting.
Frankie Boyle
Start living right here, in each present moment. When we stop dwelling on the past or worrying about the future, we're open to rich sources of information we've been missing out on—information that can keep us out of the downward spiral and poised for a richer life.
Mark Williams
I'm not funny. What I am is brave.
Lucille Ball
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Steven Wright
If you ever want to see heaven, watch a bunch of young girls play. They are all sweat and skinned knees. Energy and open faces.
Amy Poehler
It's strange how things seem to come full circle. You know what I mean? I'm sure you do. The way your life seems to drift along with no set path, then something good happens to you and you can trace the line that brought you there back to a specific disappointment or rejection you suffered in the past. It's nice that things can level out that way.
James Corden
(A gentleman) is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.
Fred Allen
Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.
Groucho Marx
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
Rodney Dangerfield
Oh Blimey O‘Reilly's pantyhose...what is the point of Shakespeare? I know he is a genius and so on, but he does rave on.It's the bloody moon, for God's sake, Will, get a grip!!
Louise Rennison
I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.
Daniel Tosh
There are all kinds of pedants around with more time to read and imitate Lynne Truss and John Humphrys than to write poems, love-letters, novels and stories it seems. They whip out their Sharpies and take away and add apostrophes from public signs, shake their heads at prepositions which end sentences and mutter at split infinitives and misspellings, but do they bubble and froth and slobber and cream with joy at language? Do they ever let the tripping of the tips of their tongues against the tops of their teeth transport them to giddy euphoric bliss? Do they ever yoke impossible words together for the sound-sex of it? Do they use language to seduce, charm, excite, please, affirm and tickle those they talk to? Do they? I doubt it. They’re too farting busy sneering at a greengrocer’s less than perfect use of the apostrophe. Well sod them to Hades. They think they’re guardians of language. They’re no more guardians of language than the Kennel Club is the guardian of dogkind.
Stephen Fry
Gender is like a Rubik’s Cube with one hundred squares per side, and every time you twist it to take a look at another angle, you make it that much harder a puzzle to solve.
Sam Killermann
No one is better at not beating America than England.
Jon Stewart
Personally, I don’t think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?
Bob Monkhouse
I'm lucky I'm a comedian, 'cause otherwise my life would just be a series of undocumented low points.
Kyle Kinane
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
George Burns
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will always hurt me. Bones mend and become actually stronger in the very place they were broken and where they have knitted up; mental wounds can grind and ooze for decades and be re-opened by the quietest whisper.
Stephen Fry
Not being bothered to exercise your right to vote is a privilege that many women still don't have. Dismissing politicians as all the same is a luxury. Our votes may not seem very important to us, but our lives without them would be immeasurably worse. For we needed universal suffrage to be firmly and unarguably in place before we could demand equal rights. And while it may be tempting for people to mutter that feminism is old-fashioned, boring and a fight already won, we have have to look at the statistics to see that what is true for women is a very long way short of being true for us all.
Natalie Haynes
Great people do things before they’re ready. They do things before they know they can do it.
Amy Poehler
The truth is that Leon, like a lot of those-maybe everyone-who trips on acid, never really came back. he recovered but he was never the same guy again. He had lost something-innocence of hell. Acid presses a little button in your mind that should never be pressed
Craig Ferguson
It is actually okay to stop trying to solve the problem of feeling bad. In fact it is wise because our habitual ways of solving problems almost invariably wind up making things worse.
Mark Williams
An original idea. That can't be too hard. The library must be full of them.
Stephen Fry
I didn't say no because between safety and adventure I choose adventure.
Craig Ferguson
One girl raved about a nice voicemail a guy had recently left her. I kindly requested she play it and heard this gem: 'Hey, Lydia. It's Sam. Just calling to say what's up. Gimme a ring when you get a chance.'THAT WAS IT.I pleaded to know what was so great about this. She sweetly recalled that 'he remembered my name, he said hi, and he told me to call him back.'Never mind the fact that what she described was the content of LITERALLY EVERY VOICE MAIL IN HISTORY. Name, hello, please call back. Not really a boatload of charm on display. To fail this test, a guy would have to leave a message that said: 'No greeting. This is man. I don't remember you. End communication.
Aziz Ansari
I'd go to the end of the world for my husband. Of course, if he'd just stop and ask directions, I wouldn't have to.
Martha Bolton
I had already made a decision early on that I would be a plain girl with lots of personality, and accepting it made everything a lot easier. If you are lucky, there is a moment in your life when you have some say as to what your currency is going to be.
Amy Poehler
there is no reason why anyone should understand how it works… and of course no reason why anyone should care … unless you are curious, in which case I love you, for curiosity about the world and all its corners is a beautiful thing.
Stephen Fry
He's your enemy, Donald!''He most certainly is not,' said Trefusis. 'Not unless I say so. He may dearly want to be my enemy, he may beg on bended knee for open hostility of the most violent kind, but it takes two to tangle. I choose my own enemies.
Stephen Fry
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
Groucho Marx
Suddenly I began to wonder how to please so many people. do I take the magnesium citrate? What about the coffee enema? Do I do both? Do I do the abdominal message or the colonic? Do I tell the doctors about each other? East meets West in Gilda's body: Western medicine down my throat, Eastern medicine up my butt.
Gilda Radner
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
Phyllis Diller
I was lucky I wasn't a better boxer or that's what I'd be now - a punchy ex-pug.
Bob Hope
Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
George Carlin
I believe in love the verb, not the noun.
Greg Behrendt
I really don't like art with a message, unless the message is crystal clear.If you have a message that really needs to be said, just fuckin' say it! Don't hide it in indecipherable lyrics... a sculpture, it's a play, the subtext... just fuckin' say it, 'cause the people who need to hear messages are dumb as shit--the masses of humanity are dumb as shit, and you're really just pandering to your friends. Say what the fuck you mean, just say it! Title the song 'eat more leafy greens'. 'Give a hoot, don't pollute' is as much message and art combined, 'cause I get that, it's a poem but I'm pretty sure you're saying 'don't pollute'. But if you have something... 'ooh, I have the cure for cancer...and I've hidden it in this Rubix cube!!' -- just fuckin' say it! - Before Turning the Gun on Himself [2012]
Doug Stanhope
Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money!
George Carlin
Hey dawg, wassup?" he said, in the strange way that white talent agents from Los Angeles do in an attempt to sound like young black men from underprivileged backgrounds. A linguistic fashion as peculiar as the lisp that everybody in medieval Spain had to adopt after the king developed a speech impediment.
Craig Ferguson
I am a woman with thoughts and questions and shit to say. I say if I'm beautiful. I say if I'm strong. You will not determine my story — I will.
Amy Schumer
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Steven Wright
My ship came in,then it sank!
Brian T. Shirley
It didn't matter that there was a war on our doorstep. She had things to do, places to be.
Trevor Noah
Oh, would you look at this, now,” she said, pointing at a hole in her sage-green velvet couch. Never mind the brain and hair on it, she could clean those off with a stiff brush. And never mind the point-blank gunshot to the face she’d absorbed. It was the bullet hole in her couch that pissed her off.
Christopher Buehlman