Quotes by Comedians - Page 27

The difference between being in a relationship and being in prison is that in prison they let you play Softball on the weekends.
Bobby Kelton
Today it was commerce that Europe valued and it was the businessmen who, having exploited what the scientists and thechnologits had done for the world, now reaped the rewards.
Stephen Fry
They say hot dogs can kill you. How do you know it's not the bun?
Jay Leno
I’ve said over and over again jokingly that the only way a woman can truly be completely satisfied is to get herself four different men—an old one, an ugly one, a Mandingo, and a gayguy. Now the four of them combined? They got you covered.
Steve Harvey
We are all a little weird. And we like to think that there is always someone weirder. I mean, I am sure some of you are looking at me and thinking, “Well, at least I am not as weird as you,” and I am thinking, “Well, at least I am not as weird as the people in the loony bin,” and the people in the loony bin are thinking, “Well, at least I am an orange”.
Jim Gaffigan
If you spend your life on a moral hill-top, you see nothing but the mud below. If, like me, you live in the mud itself, you get a damned good view of clear blue sky and clean green hills above. There's none so evil-minded as those with a moral mission, and none so pure in heart as the depraved.
Stephen Fry
Calling someone equally as anxious on the phone makes you feel less alone. Sometimes the best thing to hear is not "Don't worry, it's going to be okay" but actually "Tell me about it! The whole world is going to explode and I haven't slept for weeks. Now let me tell you about my specific fears of small boats and big businesses!
Amy Poehler
A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
W.C.Fields
The only ironic thing about that song is that it's called 'Ironic' and it is written by a woman who doesn't know what irony is. That's quite ironic when you think about it. (on Alanis Morissette's 'Ironic')
Ed Byrne
Men read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling a hundred miles.
Roseanne Barr
My mother is the antithesis of a typical Jewish mother, she is very soft-spoken and takes more naps that a cat. As a result, I've always longed for someone to really annoy the shit out of me.
Chelsea Handler
When love is out of your life you're through in a way. Because while it is there it's like a motor that's going you have such vitality to do things big things because love is goosing you all the time.
Fanny Brice
A mundane lie hiding an exotic truth is deception; an exotic lie hiding a mundane truth is storytelling. Deception may be necessary to preserve life, but storytelling makes life worth living.
Christopher Buehlman
We frequently hear of people dying from too much drinking. That this happens is a matter of record. But the blame almost always is placed on whisky. Why this should be I never could understand. You can die from drinking too much of anything - coffee water milk soft drinks and all such stuff as that. And so long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing I will make mine whisky.
W.C.Fields
Time was made for slaves.
John B. Buckstone
Before we left home, my hair had already started to fall apart. I decided to pull it into a bun high on my head and attach one of those fake hair things that look like a nest of cute curls. I slapped a tiara on my head and was good to go. I had my weave, my girdle, and my tiara. I was ready to party!
Mollie Gross
There's no such thing as a nonworking mother.
Hester Mundis
Do you know why hurricanes have names instead of numbers? To keep the killing personal. No one cares about a bunch of people killed by a number. '200 Dead as Number Three Slams Ashore' is not nearly as interesting a headline as 'Charlie kills 200.' Death is much more satisfying and entertaining if you personalize it.Me, I'm still waitin' for Hurricane Ed. Old Ed wouldn't hurt ya, would he? Sounds kinda friendly. 'Hell no, we ain't evacuatin'. Ed's comin'!
George Carlin
Slow down and enjoy life. It's not only the scenery you miss by going too fast - you also miss the sense of where you are going and why.
Eddie Cantor
If I should go before the rest of youBreak not a flower nor inscribe a stone, Nor when I'm gone speak in a Sunday voice But be the usual selves that I have known. Weep if you must, Parting is hell, But life goes on, So sing as well.
Joyce Grenfell
On the Ning Nang NongWhere the Cows go Bong!And the Monkeys all say Boo!Theres a Nang Nong NingWhere the trees go Ping!And the tea pots Jibber Jabber JooOn the Nong Ning NangAll the Mice go Clang!And you just cant catch em when they do!So its Ning Nang Nong!Cows go Bong!Nong Nang Ning!Trees go Ping!Nong Ning Nang!The mice go Clang!What a noisy place to belong,Is the Ning Nang Ning Nang Nong!
Spike Milligan
This is no time for drinking a mug of water - which you would do nowhere else in the world. A mug of water! You just don't drink water from mugs, do ya? Except on the telly. Water out of a mug! Should be a hot drink... mug of water.
Russell Brand
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
George Carlin
I was reading in the paper today that Congress wants to replace the dollar bill with a coin. They’ve already done it. It’s called a nickel.
Jay Leno
It’s a struggle for me to remain open," she admits. "To not shut down because I’m defensive or scared or maybe my ego is getting in the way. And the other side of that is just believing that I belong where I am and deserve to take up space. I fight constantly between those two things, between not apologizing for what I want and staying vulnerable and creatively supple and not thinking I know better than everyone else.
Amy Poehler
There comes a time when loneliness is stronger than fear.
Christopher Buehlman
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx
Take a nap in a fireplace and you'll sleep like a log.
Ellen DeGeneres
If you're getting chased by a lion, you don't need to run faster than the lion, just the people running with you. - Tim Ferris
David Nihill
...teaching is, after all, a form of show business.
Steve Martin
We must, together as a nation, stop watching Fox.
Jon Stewart
People in that crowd want to make poverty history, but NOT if they have to pay for it themselves
Ben Elton
The number-one fear in life is public speaking and the number-two fear is death. This means that if you go to a funeral you're better off in the casket than giving the eulogy.
Jerry Seinfeld
If you want to be seen, stand up.If you want to be heard, speak up.If you want to be appreciated, shut up.
Bill Cosby
...Roberts had joined the Royal Artillery in 1914 and since then had steadily risen to the rank of Gunner. Now the crunch: someone with a perverted sense of humour made him a Lance Bombardier. Roberts went insane with power. The war now consisted of two people, him and Hitler.
Spike Milligan
And by the way, my belief is that if men were the ones getting pregnant, abortions would be easier to get than food poisoning in Moscow
Dennis Miller
I'm always looking for meaningful one-night stands
Dudley Moore
To criticize a person for their race is manifestly irrational and ridiculous, but to criticize their religion, that is a right. That is a freedom. The freedom to criticize ideas, any ideas - even if they are sincerely held beliefs - is one of the fundamental freedoms of society. A law which attempts to say you can criticize and ridicule ideas as long as they are not religious ideas is a very peculiar law indeed.It all points to the promotion of the idea that there should be a right not to be offended. But in my view the right to offend is far more important than any right not to be offended. The right to ridicule is far more important to society than any right not to be ridiculed because one in my view represents openness - and the other represents oppression
Rowan Atkinson
I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me arefurious!
Steven Wright
You can be an expert on anything if you just use logic.
Adam Carolla
Like a lot of people, I’ve always enjoyed commenting on strangers’ outfits. Unlike a lot of people, I now had a new megaphone to do it with. And, let me tell you, commenting on people’s hilarious clothing choices through a megaphone makes it so much better.
Demetri Martin
Every day I ran to that book like it was a bottle of whiskey and crawled inside because it was a world that I had at least some control over, and slowly, in time, it began to take shape.
Craig Ferguson
Of all the consumer products, chewing gum is perhaps the most ridiculous: it literally has no nourishment – you just chew it to give yourself something to do with your stupid idiot Western mouth.Half the world is starving, and the other’s going, ‘I don’t actually need any nutrition, but it would be good to masticate, just to keep my mind off things.
Russell Brand
Two things don't need to be "equally bad" to point out that they're both bad.
T.J. Kirk
I used to think the worst thing in life is to end up all alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone.
Robin Williams
People are tired of this mainstream shit; television and radio is ghastly and the public can smell the corporate meeting. When you watch a show with Simon Cowell, you know no human touch has been near it, that they've carefully engineered the outcome and picked those they're going to humiliate. We live in an age of information glut, but so many people don't question what they're spoon-fed or bother to search for themselves.
Greg Proops
Aging is tedious, but it is the only way to live long.
Faina Ranevskaya
And so the dentist says 'Rinse.' So you lean over, and you're lookin' at this miniature toilet bowl.
Bill Cosby
De bomen komen uit de gronden uit hun stam de twijgen.En iedereen vindt het heel gewoondat zij weer bladeren krijgen.We zien ze vallen naar de gronden dan opnieuw weer groeien.Zo heeft de aarde ons geleerddat al wat sterft zal bloeien.
Toon Hermans
Cherish forever what makes you unique 'cuz you're really a yawn if it goes!
Bette Midler
One of the classier features of this home was the padded toilet seat. It was high-mileage puffy brown vinyl-colored foam and made that weird sigh when you sat down on it. I'm not a germaphobe or anything like that, but it is weird to think about all the ass time this seat had seen before we moved in. This is a horrible invention. What's the plan? You want to create a toilet seat so comfortable that you can fall asleep while you're taking a shit? You're going to show up late for work or end up like Elvis.
Adam Carolla
When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back
Rodney Dangerfield
My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.
Chelsea Handler
By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.
Jon Stewart
There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords.
George Carlin
I, on the other hand, interrupt people because my thoughts fly out of my mouth. My handbag's full of rubbish. And I want to do something that matters with my life. Right now I'd like to write plays, sing in musicals, and/or rid the world of poverty, violence, cruelty, and right-wing conservative politics.
Alison Larkin
Latins for Republicans - it's like roaches for Raid.
John Leguizamo
I think it’s glorious to be nervous. Being nervous is great! How often do we get nervous on a daily basis? Being slightly nervous means you care, and you’re alive, and you’re taking some kind of risk. Hooray for being nervous! A friend told me to substitute the word ‘excitement’ for ‘nervous’. That way you acknowledge the physical feelings without putting a negative spin on things. So to answer your question, sometimes I still get so excited about ‘Update’ that I want to throw up
Amy Poehler
Since childhood I’d been suspected of imagination
Steve Aylett
He doesn't need to be reminded you're great.
Greg Behrendt