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Quotes by Comedians - Page 26

No day is so bad it can't be fixed with a nap.
Carrie Snow
I won't mind dying if I can tell St. Peter a joke he hasn't heard.
Red Skelton
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W.C.Fields
When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?
Billy Connolly
A man is not determined by how much he earns. You can still be the man of the house and earn less than your woman. Being a man is not what you have , it's who you are. Being more of a man doesn't mean your woman has to be less than you.
Trevor Noah
Sometimes being a nice person is all about knowing when to be an asshole.
John Cheese
Laughter separates us from despair, and gives us a chance at love.
Craig Ferguson
The other thing you can do is write a strong personal essay which lets admissions people inside your life, your heart, and your world....Anyway, it can be hard to figure out what to write about, so here are a few suggestions:...5. Reasons it's wrong to be racist even though it makes sense to you.
Eugene Mirman
If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all.
Rodney Dangerfield
I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle and Tucker.
George Carlin
I once saw a pin on a Delta Airlines employee and I asked him what the letters in Delta stand for. He said "Don't Expect Luggage To Arrive."
Adam Christing
If we have the opportunity to be generous with our hearts, ourselves, we have no idea of the depth and breadth of love's reach.
Margaret Cho
No one ever wants to hear how stressed out anyone else is, because most of the time everyone is stressed out. Going on and on in detail about how stressed out I am isn’t conversation. It’ll never lead anywhere. No one is going to say, “Wow, Mindy, you really have it especially bad. I have heard some stories of stress, but this just takes the cake.
Mindy Kaling
If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you have no regime.
Jon Stewart
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
Groucho Marx
Everyone doesn’t need to have the same beliefs, we just need to start believing in everyone.
Sam Killermann
Life is tough, then you die.
George Carlin
Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Heres Tom with the Weather.
Bill Hicks
Do you know the difference between a kayak and a college student? A kayak tips.
Chad Morgan
I was like, Am I gay? Am I straight? And I realized...I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?
Margaret Cho
Be sure to lie to your kids about the benevolent, all-seeing Santa Claus. It will prepare them for an adulthood of believing in God.
Scott Dikkers
As long as the world is turning and spinning, we're gonna be dizzy and we're gonna make mistakes.
Mel Brooks
My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times men would not stop to ask directions.
Elayne Boosler
I am always looking for meaningful one-night stands.
Dudley Moore
I like talking about people who don't have any power and it seems like some of the least powerful people in the United States are the migrant workers who come and do our work and don't have any rights as a result. And yet we still invite them to come here, and at the same time ask them to leave.
Stephen Colbert
I've noticed the customers in health food stores. They are pale skinny people who usually look half dead. In a steak house you see robust ruddy people. They're dying of course but they look terrific.
Bill Cosby
The sad thing about true stupidity is that you can do absolutely nothing about it.
John Cleese
Most people new to a city on the ocean would probably go to the beach during the day when there are people around. I, on the other hand, decided to try a midnight swim at the somewhat gamy Santa Monica pier, by myself. That is, until a nearby guard kicked me off the beach for my own safety.
Kathy Griffin
As a kid I understood that people were different colors, but in my head white and black and brown were like types of chocolate. Dad was the white chocolate, mom was the dark chocolate, and I was the milk chocolate. But we were all just chocolate. I didn’t know any of it had anything to do with “race.” I didn't know what race was. My mother never referred to my dad as white or to me as mixed. So when the other kids in Soweto called me "white", even though I was light brown, I just thought that they had their colors mixed up, like they hadn't learned them properly. "Ah, yes, my friend. You've confused aqua with turquoise. I can see how you made that mistake. You're not the first.
Trevor Noah
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.
Jackie Mason
He knew he could never jingle change in his pocket or park his car like a confident adult, he was the Adrian he had always been, casting a guilty look over a furtive shoulder, living in eternal dread of a grown-up striding forward to clip his ear.But there again, when he sipped at the whiskey his eyes failed to water and his throat forgot to burn. The body shamelessly welcomed what once it would have rejected. At breakfast he demanded not Ricicles and chocolate spread, but coffee and unbuttered toast. And if the coffee was sugared he leapt from it like a colt from an electric fence. He ate the crust and left the filling, guzzled the olives and spurned the cherries. Yet inside he remained the same Adrian who fought down the urge to stand and shout 'Bullocks' during church services, smelt his own farts and wasted hours skimming through National Geographic on the off-chance of seeing a few naked bodies.
Stephen Fry
I ordered a single espresso because I wanted a drink I could hook up with.
Randy Kagan
I'm sorry if any of you are catholic. I'm not sorry if you're offended, I'm actually just sorry by the fact that you're catholic
Bill Hicks
The brighter the sunlight, the worse it affects them," said Einstein."So we got to pay more attention to the weather forecast," said DogNut. "Cloudy with a chance of zombies.
Charlie Higson
Marriage is just an elaborate game that allows two selfish people to periodically feel that they're not.
Paul Reiser
So when people see me walking on the street, they feel like we're old pals. Women pull my cheeks and men clap me on the shoulder; I'm like a petting zoo. But movie stars, on the other hand, are much more untouchable. Those are people that you watch from afar. They're regal lions. I'm a friendly goat.
Kunal Nayyar
And anyone will tell you that's the whole point. You want to meet someone who likes the same things you do, and who likes you most when you're most being yourself.
B.J. Novak
I love sleep. I need sleep. We all do, of course. There are those people that don't need sleep. I think they're called 'successful.
Jim Gaffigan
After discovering him in his threesome, I spent the next two weeks in bed suffering from a severe case of vagina elbow. It's a condition not unlike tennis elbow, but you get it from masturbating.
Chelsea Handler
We are nature; we are nature as we munch gum and check the phone; we are nature as we queasily regret our imperfection, turning the glossy page, turning our glossy stomachs; we are nature as we hear them witter inanely on the radio, desecrating the silence with the violence of their idiocy and dumb verdicts, chattering and grooming, picking through the ticks in their hair, marveling at new minutia.
Russell Brand
I want to change the world, and do something valuable and beautiful. I want people to remember me before I'm dead, and then more afterwards.
Russell Brand
There are young men and women up and down the land who happily (or unhappily) tell anyone who will listen that they don’t have an academic turn of mind, or that they aren’t lucky enough to have been blessed with a good memory, and yet can recite hundreds of pop lyrics and reel off any amount of information about footballers. Why? Because they are interested in those things. They are curious. If you are hungry for food, you are prepared to hunt high and low for it. If you are hungry for information it is the same. Information is all around us, now more than ever before in human history. You barely have to stir or incommode yourself to find things out. The only reason people do not know much is because they do not care to know. They are incurious. Incuriosity is the oddest and most foolish failing there is.
Stephen Fry
The road to success is always under construction
Lily Tomlin
That was my mom. Don't fight the system. Mock the system.
Trevor Noah
You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more?
Chris Rock
Its not easy being a man you know. I had to get dressed today… and there are other pressures.
Dylan Moran
If you start to smell some of the shit, you start smelling all of the shit
Doug Stanhope
TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out to be another day, but we can't be sure. If it happens, I'll be the first to say so. But, you know what? By that time, it'll be today again
George Carlin
Love is a creative act. When you love someone you create a new world for them. My mother did that for me, and with the progress I made and the things I learned, I came back and created a new world and a new understanding for her.
Trevor Noah
I have some bad news. Bjork cannot be here tonight. She was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her.
Jon Stewart
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the heck she is.
Ellen DeGeneres
Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.
Jon Stewart
Senator John Kyle claiming that over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion.Stephen Colbert: Over 90 percent, that is unbelievable...in that it is not true. Only 3 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion. Kyle just rounded it up to the nearest 90.
Stephen Colbert
These passive prejudices were not necessarily from a place of ugly, but they certainly weren’t from a place of respect.
Trae Crowder
You will be very visible in the company photo, also the website and any other marketing materials. There's no way to avoid it. The photo will only be scheduled when you are in the office, so don't try pretending to be sick. They'll wait for you.
Baratunde R. Thurston
Another case for the dumbness of reading, however, is that books do not contain answers, but rather pose more questions. And asking questions makes you look dumber, not sma
Dan Wilbur
Bullshit is the glue that binds us as a nation.
George Carlin
I love words. I thank you for hearing my words. I want to tell you something about words that I think is important. Words are my work, they’re my play. They’re my passion. Words are all we have really. We have thoughts, but thoughts are fluid. And, then we assign a word to a thought and we’re stuck with that word for that thought. So be careful with words. The same words that hurt can heal.
George Carlin
Humor is a social lubricant that helps us get over some of the bad spots.
Steve Allen
Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on where you were sitting) Libby let off the smelliest, loudest fart known to humanity. It came out of her bum-oley with such force that she lifted off my knee - like a hovercraft. Even she looked surprised by what had come out of her.
Louise Rennison
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