Quotes by Comedians - Page 25

I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.
Steve Martin
Room service? Send up a larger room."]
Groucho Marx
What was so painful about Amy’s death is that I know that there is something I could have done. I could have passed on to her the solution that was freely given to me. Don’t pick up a drink or drug, one day at a time. It sounds so simple; it actually is simple but it isn’t easy; it requires incredible support and fastidious structuring.
Russell Brand
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
Rita Rudner
McGough: I'm sorry. I'm afraid I've caught poetry. Mr Bones: Oh really? Well, don't worry, sir - I used to suffer from short stories.McGough: Really? When?Mr Bones: Oh, once upon a time ...
Graham Chapman
when you’re winning, it makes them feel like they’re losing or, worse yet, that maybe they should’ve tried to do something too, but now it’s too late. And since they didn’t, they want to stop you. You can’t let them.
Mindy Kaling
What's another word for thesaurus?
Steven Wright
According to the U.S. Census Bureau, a family is defined as two or more people living together who are related by birth, marriage or adoption. In other words, the U.S. Census Bureau is run by radical leftists. Why do you think there's a whole category for the unemployed?
Stephen Colbert
TV news is like kryptonite to children. The two major shifts in taste for children to adulthood are news and mustard. Kids hate news and mustard. Well, mustard even has the word 'turd' in it. Maybe I should threaten my kids that if they don't go to bed, I will force them to watch an hour-long newscast about mustard.
Jim Gaffigan
Ultimately, we are all products of the experiences we have and the decisions we make as children, and it remains a peculiar detail of the human condition that something as precious as a future is entrusted to us when we possess so little foresight. Perhaps that’s what makes hindsight so intriguing. When you’re young the future is a blank canvas, but looking back you are always able to see the big picture.
Simon Pegg
It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder, and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
Phyllis Diller
Even the intellectual crowd will have none of me. Physically, I look like one of them. Graying at the temples, I walk with a slight limp and wear thick glasses.
Groucho Marx
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
Mel Brooks
Comedy is tragedy - plus time.
Carol Burnett
Why did the Articles [of Confederation] fail so completely? Most historians believe the founding fathers spent a great deal of their first constitutional convention drafting the delaration of independence and only realized on July 3rd the Articles were also due.
Jon Stewart
Accept each other. Love. Even if it is messy. Live with no regrets. Remember that diversity is our strength. We shouldn't be building walls, we should be tearing them down. Accept each other no matter who we love, how we pray or how we look.
Johnny Corn
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
Jack Benny
When you encounter seemingly good advice that contradicts other seemingly good advice, ignore them both.
Al Franken
I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.
Rita Rudner
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
Groucho Marx
That's why ears have cartilage, to keep them from flapping.
Bill Cosby
My mother always said that every time you do a good deed here on Earth you're storing up a treasure in heaven. Which means Mother Teresa's probably got some beachfront property up there and I'm up to a box of Milk Duds and a Pez dispenser.
Robert G. Lee
I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals, I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.
A. Whitney Brown
Socialism and capitalism are not mutually exclusive. They can — and should — be used in tandem. Either alone is death by overdose. Balance.
T.J. Kirk
What I didn't need was some hot-and-cold long-distance flake wasting my time. It hurt my feelings and made me feel like something was wrong with me.
Mindy Kaling
I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know.
Gary Shandling
Poems are the chorus of our lives. the poet sets the words to the music of our souls. Each poem has its own rhythm that drums like a heartbeat.
John Ritter
Pumpkins are the only living organisms with triangle eyes.
Harland Williams
I used to work at the unemployment office. I hated it, because when they fired me, I had to show up to work anyway.
Wallace Wang
It is bad to suppress laughter. It goes back down and spreads to your hips.
Fred Allen
I do love America. And LA is a very short commute to America its like half an hour on the plane.
Craig Ferguson
I didn't cross the line, you drew it in after I traversed it.
Russell Brand
Some people need Hell. If you’re the type of guy who sees a hooker in an alleyway and instinctively thinks, “Hey, now there’s something I could rape and kill without any consequences,” then the concept of Hell might really keep you out of trouble.
Sarah Silverman
I learned long ago that when change comes, you gotta slow down and take note of it. In the midst of that change is all the possibility in the world.
Bertice Berry
Cider was my drink because I liked the taste and it made me stupid.
Frank Skinner
Americans today confuse freedom with not being asked to sacrifice. The fact that you can't have everything you want exactly when you want it has somehow become un-American.
Bill Maher
Said Hamlet to Ophelia,I'll draw a sketch of thee.What kind of pencil shall I use?2B or not 2B?
Spike Milligan
I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.
Steven Wright
New Labour leader Ed Miliband announces plan to 'make this party slightly less unelectable by 2015'. He added: 'I am Ed, the Almighty One.'Defeated brother David Miliband overheard muttering: 'Now I know how Wayne Christ felt after little Jesus came along.
Andy Zaltzman
I know the best moments can never be captured on film, even as I spend nearly half my life trying to do just that.
Rosie O'Donnell
Children have a tendency to behave as poorly as the most poorly behaved kid in the room. The laws of physics dictate that if there is a kid screaming and running in the hallway of a hotel, all the other children will scream and run in the hallway of the hotel.
Jim Gaffigan
I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with "dog parties," and then invite their friends who don't even have dogs. I understand why people like dogs, and I think they definitely bring more to the table than cats or those godforsaken ferrets, but I don't think it's healthy for people to treat their dogs like they are real people.
Chelsea Handler
For the first time ever, I was alone in a different country. I was nervous about how I was going to cope in this big bustling city and so I employed a technique which still serves me well today. I imagined myself as someone who relished new exciting opportunities, who was utterly unafraid and perpetually optimistic. It was a kind of reinvention. Everyone I met was new. These people didn't know me, there was no shared history, so I could be anything or anyone I wanted to be. My theory was that if I behaved like a confident, cheerful person, eventually I would buy it myself, and become that. I always had traces of strength somewhere inside me, it wasn't fake. It was just a way of summoning my courage to the fore and not letting any creeping self-doubt hinder my adventures. This method worked then, and it works now.
Dawn French
Am I gay, am I straight? No, I'm just slutty. So, where's my parade? What about slut pride.
Margaret Cho
Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash.(Said to President Bush at the White House Correspondents Dinner)
Stephen Colbert
Books are the key. A book cannot be accessed from afar. You have to hold it, you have to read it.
Ben Elton
Try being a white person who adopts the trappings of black culture while still living in the white community. You will face more hate and ridicule and ostracism than you can even begin to fathom. People are willing to accept you if they see you as an outsider trying to assimilate into their world. But when they see you as a fellow tribe member attempting to disavow the tribe, that is something they will never forgive. That is what happened to me in Eden Park.
Trevor Noah
New Rule: You can't force the ATM to do something it doesn't want to do. Excuse me, lady in front of me at the Citibank ATM, but you've been standing there punching buttons for ten minutes--what are you trying to do, write a novel on it? You hear those beeping noises? That's the ATM saying, "Stop it, you're hurting me." A chicken would have gotten forty bucks out of that thing by now just by pecking the buttons randomly.
Bill Maher
I'm not into those kind of rivalries. I remember standing out in front of Stratford, minding my own business. Carload of about eighty kids would pull up: 'STRATFORD SUCKS!' Am I supposed to run after these guys? I'd just stand there, you know. They'd back up. 'STRATFORD SUCKS! ...STRATFORD SUCKS!' I'd say, 'I know. I go there. You're wasting gas, man.
Bill Hicks
Humor has great power to heal on an emotional level. You can't hold anger you can't hold fear you can't hold hurt while you're laughing.
Steve Bhaerman
And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope.
George Carlin
People May Hate You For Being Different and Not Living By Society's Standards,but Deep Down,They Wish They Had The Courage To Do The Same.
Kevin Hart
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.
Groucho Marx
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
Rodney Dangerfield
I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
George Burns
The one undeniable benefit of having spent some time in the closet is that it nurtures a talent that you can fall back on any time: lying convincingly. Sometimes I worried that queer kids in the twenty-first century coming out at twelve, or even younger, would never develop that valuable skill.
Bob Smith
Women are like elephants. They are interesting to look at but I wouldn't like to own one.
W.C.Fields
Luck? I don’t know anything about luck. I’ve never banked on it and I’m afraid of people who do. Luck to me is something else: hard work - and realizing what opportunity is and what isn’t." — Lucille Ball
Lucille Ball
Advertising is 85% confusion and 15% commission.
Fred Allen
I see myself as Rhoda not Mary Tyler Moore.
Rosie O'Donnell