Quotes by Comedians - Page 22

I just love bossy women. I could be around them all day. To me, bossy is not a pejorative term at all. It means someone's passionate and engaged and ambitious and doesn't mind leading.
Amy Poehler
I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.
Stephen Colbert
It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, 'Remember this, George, the birds fuck the bees.' Then he told me he once banged a girl so hard her freckles came off.
George Carlin
Money is the root of all evil.' Then we hear, 'A fool and his money are soon parted.' What are they talking about? If money is so evil, shouldn't it be, 'A wise man and his money are soon parted'? And another thing, how does a fool get money in the first place? I know some fools who have a lot of money, but they won't tell me how they got it, and I won't tell them.
George Burns
To all my enemies, I will destroy it.
Frankie Boyle
But I was eventually okay. And you will be okay too. Here's why. I had already made a decision early on that I would be a plain girl with tons of personality, and accepting it made everything a lot easier. If you are lucky, there is a moment in your life when you have some say as to what your currency is going to be. I decided early on it was not going to be my looks.
Amy Poehler
I have the perfect simplified tax form for government. Why don't they just print our money with a return address on it?
Bob Hope
Shut up…let me tell you, LET ME. Every time I look at your face or even remember it, it wrecks me. And the way you are with me and you’re just fun and you shit all over me and you make fun of me and you’re real. I don’t have enough time in any day to think about you enough...I don’t even think about women anymore. I think about you.
Louis C.K.
If you are an LGBT+ person and you come out, you have to go through your knight’s quest to create ground for yourself, to create a space for yourself, to stand there and say, “I exist. I have no reason to feel guilt or shame. I am proud to exist, and while I’m not perfect, I deserve to exist in society just like anyone else.”This became my first big fight.While I consider myself to be fantastically boring, I realized that if I took on my own sexual identity and came out and just told people about it and tried to have a chat with them—tried to be offhand and casual about it—and tried to build our place in society and humanity, then that would be a good mission. This is where I exist in society. I am just this guy. I am transgender, and I exist. But that is just my sexuality. More important than that is that I perform comedy, I perform drama, I run marathons, and I’m an activist in politics. These are the things I do. How you self-identify with your sexuality matters not one wit. What you do in life—what you do to add to the human existence—that is what matters. That is the beautiful thing.
Eddie Izzard
New Rule: You're never going to pick up women at a coffee shop pretending to be working on your laptop. You don't look like you're sensitive, you look like you're homeless.The last guy to pick up a chick with an Apple was Adam. And when you sit across from another dateless loser with a laptop, it still doesn't look like you're working--it looks like you're playing Battleship.
Bill Maher
He doesn’t have to love your CD collection. He doesn’t have to love your shoes. But any good, mature guy better make an attempt to love your friends and family—especially when they’re great.
Greg Behrendt
I'm not big on regret - until time travel actually exists, it seems like a waste of making yourself feel bad
Julie Klausner
My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.
Chelsea Handler
Write your own part. It's the only way I've ever gotten anywhere. It is much harder work, but sometimes you have to take destiny into your own hands. It is much harder work, but sometimes you have to take destiny into your own hands. It forces you to think about what your strengths really are, and once you find them, you can showcase them, and nobody can stop you.
Mindy Kaling
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
Steven Wright
I'm tired of 'pretentious' just being used as an excuse to dismiss anything that fucking expects you to have a brain.
T.J. Kirk
I'm the kind of person who becomes silent when I get scared, because I hope Death will not notice me if I am very still and very quiet. It has worked well so far.
Mindy Kaling
Disease can be seen as a call for personal transformation through metamorphosis. It is a transition from the death of your old self into the birth of your new.
Tom O'Connor
Why is it that when you wipe up dust its called dusting but when you wipe up a spill its not called spilling? Just something to think about.
Ellen DeGeneres
All weather is sin-related. Lust causes thunder, anger causes fog, and you don't want to know what causes dew.
Stephen Colbert
I have the Angela Jolie of vaginas.
Amy Poehler
You are really nuts, you know it? One a these days they're gonna come over and just lock you up! You aren't playing with a full deck, Eunice. I think somebody blew your pilot light out. There's more. You know what? You got splinters in the windmill of your mind. You're playin hockey with a warped puck! I think you dine sprung a leak in your dingey....
Vicki Lawrence
Men justify the women taking care of the kids and the house and holding down a job because, after all, men are the primary breadwinners in the family. But that’s because we fucking pay women less! Men claiming superiority over women because men make more money than they do is like claiming you’re stronger than a lion that you tranquilized and put in a cage. Sure, you’re in a better spot now—but how ’bout you unchain the beast and see what happens?
Trae Crowder
I’m not going to die because I failed as someone else. I’m going to succeed as myself.
Margaret Cho
I won't say ours was a tough school but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like "What I'm Going to Be if I Grow Up."
Lenny Bruce
After all this time I found that the novel is in fact punk rock.
Craig Ferguson
Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.
Chelsea Handler
There are three signs of old age: loss of memory ... I forget the other two.
Red Skelton
Look at this woman. This beauty. What an act of grace. What a gift she gave me.Shame makes people abandon their children and drink themselves to death. It also keeps us from true happiness. An apology is a glorious release. Anastasia gave me a huge gift. That e-mail changed me. It rearranged my molecules. She has lived a life of struggle and decided not to pick up the armor. She teaches me about compassion. She makes her journey about open hearts. She is not ashamed.Thank you thank you thank you.
Amy Poehler
Mommy we're not going to be poor again are we? "Not as long as you have that rare blood type."
Brett Butler
Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck.
Craig Ferguson
Reality depresses me. I need to find fantasy worlds and escape in them.
Noel Fielding
Smile my boy, it’s sunrise
Robin Williams
Be out of the mainstream. I'm out of the mainstream. I enjoy it, who wants to be in the mainstream?
Bill Maher
My feeling is this whole country is founded on the principle of 'if you are not hurting anyone, and you're not fucking with someone else's shit, and you are paying your taxes, you should be able to just do what you want to do.' It's the freedom and the independence.
Adam Carolla
I do a weird thing when I am nervous where I tilt my head back like I am super confident. This is my attempt to fake it until I make it, or at the very least make it easier for someone to slit my throat.
Amy Poehler
In our humble12 opinion, the South in general’s attitude regarding the war and everything that came after needs a major paradigm shift. Put simply: we need to be more like Germany. Ya see, after World War II, Germany as a nation took responsibility for its crimes, owned up to them, and has refused to make excuses for the atrocities that occurred. Germans own it. That’s just the way it is. (Or at least the perception of the way it is, and as we keep reiterating, the perception can be just as important as the reality.) How many people in the South could stomach the idea of Nazi statues existing in Germany in order to “honor the past” but “not meant to offend the Jews, of course?” Because y’all do realize that’s what most of these Civil War monuments are, right?
Trae Crowder
One friend with whom you have a lot in common is better than three with whom you struggle to find things to talk about.
Mindy Kaling
My mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
You know what happens when windmills collapse into the sea? A splash.
Bill Maher
If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Steven Wright
It's not a stereotype if it's always true.
Daniel Tosh
It is as though they simply cannot contemplate the notion of a short, slight man who dresses and moves like a popular (mis)conception of a homosexual being attractive to millions of women.
Dave Hill
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Steven Wright
I fear one day I'll meet God, he'll sneeze and I won't know what to say
Ronnie Shakes
Art is long, life is short. Unless your funding is f%$ked, in which case all our days are numbered.
Whoopi Goldberg
Since my little daughter is only half Jewish would it be alright if she went into the pool only up to her waist?
Groucho Marx
There's no way that moving in with your parents is a sign that your life is on track.
Jerry Seinfeld
I kept a picture of me kissing my dad’s corpse on the forehead in my wallet for years. I’d break it out any time someone showed me a baby picture, just so they would know how it ends.
Doug Stanhope
I personally like being unique. I like being my own person with my own style and my own opinions and my own toothbrush.
Ellen DeGeneres
..he may love you, he may miss you, but ultimately he's just not that into you.
Greg Behrendt
Nobody is wired wrong, because there’s no wrong and right in the way we are.
Hannah Hart
Someday you will wake up feeling 51 percent happy and slowly, molecule by molecule, you will feel like yourself again.
Amy Poehler
Dreams that do come true can be as unsettling as those that don't.
Brett Butler
The world can be such a fright, but it belongs to us tonight.
Craig Ferguson
For me, it's always a little sad getting out of bed. Every morning after I get up, I always gaze longingly at my bed and lament, 'You were wonderful last night. I didn't want it to end. I can't wait to see you again.
Jim Gaffigan
I was still a newlywed and certainly wasn't to the point where I felt comfortable yelling, "I'm going to shit my pants any second!"But the sweating had started, which was followed by the tears. "I'm not feeling well, and need to get home," I told him."Ok, but I have to obey the speed limit because of all the kids in the neighborhood," he replied.I was pleading with him to hurry up when he came to a complete stop.I screamed at him, "Why are we stopping?"He rolled down the window. "Retreat."I could see the flag lowering in the distance, the beautiful orange sun setting behind it.In the opposite direction I could see the roof line of our home - so close, yet so far away.As Retreat played, I surrendered. I pooped my pants. I took one for the flag.Now that's patriotism.
Mollie Gross
I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath.
George Carlin
I fart in your general direction.
Graham Chapman
And just like that, as if I hadn't said anything at all, the ladies sprang into a conversation about the sinful nature the Jews possessed when killing their Lord Jesus. I didn't know if I was hearing this right because I had become so intoxicated, but I couldn't believe that anyone would talk about religion while on vacation. How could Miss Nebraska think this was a proper environment to discuss something so controversial? One woman went on to say that if she had her way not only would President Bush serve a second four-year term, but she hoped they would overturn Roe v. Wade. This woman was obviously a menace to society and needed to be stopped.
Chelsea Handler