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Quotes by Comedians - Page 15

I don't mind pointing out some of the failings of old age, because we are all headed in that direction, unless of course we take our own lives before we become a burden. I'm not advocating suicide, oh wait, I guess I am.
Amy Sedaris
Being a superpower is like being a Santa Claus that everyone hates.
Jon Stewart
One of my girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern.
Chelsea Handler
Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.
Chelsea Handler
I wanted to become an atheist but I gave it up. They have no holidays.
Henny Youngman
There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.
Mindy Kaling
Keep your head up in failure, and your head down in success.
Jerry Seinfeld
The meat market itself was probably a greater influence on Spare than his first school. It offered a spectacle of thousands of animal carcasses, which arrived under the market by a specially built railway before being displayed and disposed of at ground level.
Phil Baker
Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
George Carlin
If you can't trust, you can't be trustworthy.
Craig Ferguson
So I figured I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes: I really wasn't into meditating and she wasn't really into being alive. I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate has an expiration date.
Steven Wright
[his healing skills] ..lay in the ability to comfort, to comfort in the proper sense, to make strong, to fortify
Stephen Fry
They told me there was very little racial prejudice in Hawaii. Like a woman is just a little bit pregnant.
Dick Gregory
In Britain, a cup of tea is the answer to every problem.Fallen off your bicycle? Nice cup of tea.Your house has been destroyed by a meteorite? Nice cup of tea and a biscuit.Your entire family has been eaten by a Tyrannosaurus Rex that has travelled through a space/time portal? Nice cup of tea and a piece of cake. Possibly a savoury option would be welcome here too, for example a Scotch egg or a sausage roll.
David Walliams
You want to know how I think art should be taught to children? Take them to a museum and say, 'This is art, and you can't do it.
Steve Martin
A true thing, poorly expressed, is a lie.
Stephen Fry
My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.
Chelsea Handler
The water cleansed his soul of the clutter and junk he had acquired through advice from those who were loud, but wrong. Many who had claimed to be wise had filled him, like so many others, with fear, hate, and judgement - all emotions that could not be carried be carried into Eternity.
Scott Thompson
After being on the road so much I want to spend more time with my family who I hear are wonderful people.
Howie Mandel
Once during Prohibition I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
W.C.Fields
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
George Carlin
I especially like eavesdropping on women my age. Besides being titillating, it also helps me gauge where I'm at in comparison.
Mindy Kaling
Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got?
Bill Maher
My mother said "You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate." I said "Just wait."
Judy Tenuta
People are wonderful one at a time. Each one of them has an entire hologram of the universe somewhere within them.
George Carlin
New Rule: You don't have to teach both sides of a debate if one side is a load of crap. President Bush recently suggested that public schools should teach "intelligent design" alongside the theory of evolution, because after all, evolution is "just a theory." Then the president renewed his vow to "drive the terrorists straight over the edge of the e
Bill Maher
Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.
Victor Borge
People get jealous and use whatever information they have to make you feel bad and themselves feel better.
Steve Harvey
Democracy is like a tamborine - not everyone can be trusted with it.
John Oliver
You could do anything in your room at college. You could smoke pot live in a coed dorm have a girl. But you couldn't have a . . . hot plate!
Jay Leno
I love a lassie a bonnie bonnie lassie She's as pure as the lily in the dell. She's as sweet as the heather The bonnie bloomin' heather Mary ma Scotch Blue-bell.
Harry Lauder
The mentality and behavior of drug addicts and alcoholics is wholly irrational until you understand that they are completely powerless over their addiction and unless they have structured help, they have no hope.
Russell Brand
I love Christmas. Frosty the Snowman, peace on Earth and mangers, Salvation Army bell ringers and reindeer, the movie 'Meet Me in St. Louis,' office parties and cookies.
Mo Rocca
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
Phyllis Diller
And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? "Well, it's God's will." "Thy Will Be Done." Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It's all very confusing.
George Carlin
I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly
Peter Cook
As our larynxes descended, we were able to make sounds with our mouths in new and far more expressive ways. Verbal language soon overtook physical gesturing as the primary means of communication for all human beings except Italians. (Earth (The Book), p. 36)
Jon Stewart
At first I assumed he was a Mexican, but slowly began to realise that a real Mexican probably wouldn't be wearing a sombrero in a London nightclub. And he'd probably have a real moustache, not a stick-on one. A Mexican with a stick-on moustache would be like a Super-Mexican, because he'd have two moustaches, and that'd be cool, because a Super-Mexican could probably use his poncho as a cape, and then I realised I was saying all this to the man's face.
Danny Wallace
Thirty-five things have to go wrong for the best thing to happen in your career
Conan O'Brien
The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.
Paula Poundstone
It's not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It's that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse's office because once again they glued their balls to their thighs.
Jon Stewart
America is bad at discriminating between danger likely to strike again, and red herrings, the freaking helpings of disaster that no man or plan can prevent.
Bill Maher
aphorism 129:I would have every thought stoop and touch the Earth but that I already know the impossibility of the effort. A thought seems to have a life of its own and would rather leave itself open to flattering interpretations.
Matt Berry
At last God caught his eye.
Harry Secombe
It never occurred to me that somehow women did know about it. It just never occurred to me. Yes I am wearing sneakers too. You are in a suit, I am comfortable. So when she explained to me that this was the first event really of its kind, it floored me. So I called my daughter who is in her 30s now and I said “do you know what endometriosis is?” She said, “what? Have to pack the pack the busters.”I said “no man, you have never heard of it?” No she said. I do not know what it is, and it occurred to me that my 30-year-old daughter who I told about endometriosis and it didn’t stick. If she didn’t know, and she is one of the hippest people I know, and her daughter doesn’t know, she has 19-year-old and she is a 13-year-old. The boy, we don’t care much about if he knows about it so much. There is other stuff for him to learn. Like how to roll a condom, things like that.You know, and it occurred to me that if they didn’t know that there were hundreds of thousands girls out there that don’t know. It is not because their mothers don’t want to tell them, because it’s not religion, it’s pure ignorance. We don’t know, we don’t have the information, we have it now, and so now is why this very first gathering is happening. Now is why we’re all sitting here looking really fabulous as you are...[Whoopi Goldberg on endometriosis awareness from the 2009 Blossom Ball]
Whoopi Goldberg
One of the many problems with aging is that you begin to think of yourself as a slob because your birthday suit can never be cleaned or pressed no matter how spotted or wrinkled it gets
Bob Smith
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
George Carlin
That’s the thing about jazz: it’s free flowing, it comes from your soul.
Billy Crystal
Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.
Ellen DeGeneres
Let’s start with this statistic: You are delicious. Be brave, my sweet. I know you can get lonely. I know you can crave companionship and sex and love so badly that it physically hurts. But I truly believe that the only way you can find out that there’s something better out there is to first believe there’s something better out there. What other choice is there?
Greg Behrendt
ISIS stands for Islamic State In Syria. It's an acronym. ISIS is also the name of a bad ass Egyptian goddess. So for a group that is so anti woman I find it interesting and ironic that they named themselves after one
Johnny Corn
The landscape had been so maimed by this new kind of warfare it was as if human architects of great genius had sat down to plan hell, since no two of them could agree on the design of heaven.
Christopher Buehlman
The internet was supposed to liberate knowledge, but in fact it buried it, first under a vast sewer of ignorance, laziness, bigotry, superstition and filth and then beneath the cloak of political surveillance. Now...cyberspace exists exclusively to promote commerce, gossip and pornography. And of course to hunt down sedition. Only paper is safe. Books are the key. A book cannot be accessed from afar, you have to hold it, you have to read it.
Ben Elton
Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
George Burns
When you try to talk about yourself, you dont know who you are, or what your like, or what your like to other people. And the moment you do it's a formula for yourself, and then you're imitating yourself, and then nobody likes you and they dont know why.
Carol Channing
If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door
Milton Berle
Invalidating a woman’s life choices by saying things like, “Oh, but you’ll regret it if you don’t have kids,” or, “I didn’t think I wanted kids either until I had one,” is like me going to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and telling the newly sober that eventually when they grow old, they’ll want to take the edge off with a little gin and tonic and that if they could only just be mature enough to control themselves, they could go on a fun wine-tasting tour in the Napa Valley.
Jen Kirkman
If we were truly created by God, then why do we still occasionally bite the insides of our own mouths?
Dara Ó Briain
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Red Buttons
You can talk all you want about freedom of speech, but it's freedom of hearing that counts.
Tommy Smothers
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