Quotes by Comedians - Page 13

A little of what you fancy does you good.
Marie Lloyd
Being famous is like a little bit of you is taken away and goes off and lives on its own and does what it wants... I wish it would do more interesting things!
Russell Brand
It was October 2001 and I lived in New York City. I was twenty two. I, like many of my female friends, suffered from a strange combination of post 9/11 anxiety and height of Sex and the City anxiety. They are distinct and unnerving anxieties. The questions that ran through my ming were something like this: 'Should I keep a gas mask in my kitchen? Am I supposed to be able to afford Manolo Blahnik shoes? What is Barneys New York? You're trying to tell me a place called 'Barney's' is fancy?'Where are the fabulous gay friends that I was promised? Gay guys hate me! Is this anthrax or powdered sugar? Help! Help!
Mindy Kaling
I put a chameleon on a red dildo... He blushed
Bo Burnham
So this is what men are like. Well, that's it, then - I am going to be a lesbian.
Louise Rennison
Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.
George Carlin
These days, I strive to be a bitch, because not being one sucks. Not being a bitch means not having your voice heard. Not being a bitch means you agree with all the bullshit. Not being a bitch means you don't appreciate all the other bitches who have come before you. Not being a bitch means since Eve ate that apple, we will forever have to pay for her bitchiness with complacence, obedience, acceptance, closed eyes, and opened legs.
Margaret Cho
The thing women have got to learn is that nobody gives you power. You just take it.
Roseanne Barr
—a knowledgeable man is a free man, or at least a man who longs for freedom.
Trevor Noah
Interestingly, one mate of mine, a proper leftie, in his heyday all Red Wedge and right-on punch-ups, was melancholy. "I thought I'd be overjoyed, but really it's just … another one bites the dust …" This demonstrates, I suppose, that if you opposed Thatcher's ideas it was likely because of their lack of compassion, which is really just a word for love. If love is something you cherish, it is hard to glean much joy from death, even in one's enemies.
Russell Brand
When the president during the campaign said he was against nation building, I didn't realize he meant our nation.
Al Franken
There will be sex after death we just won't be able to feel it.
Lily Tomlin
I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first book I've ever written, and I hope it's the first book you've ever read. Don't make a habit of it.
Stephen Colbert
Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.
Bill Cosby
But when I make a good [taxidermy] mount I feel like I beat God in a small way. As though the Almighty said, Let such critter be dead, and I said, 'Fuck You, he can still play the banjo.
Christopher Buehlman
I love zombies. If any monster could Riverdance, it would be zombies.
Craig Ferguson
You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickels in the machine.
Flip Wilson
You are sick not weak. It is okay to be depressed.
Kevin Breel
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
Steven Wright
And I'm not saying it's a bad song, you know, or anything like that. All I'm saying is that if you get, I don't know, a broom, say, and dip it in some brake fluid, put the other end up my arse, stick me on a trampoline in a moving lift, and I would write a better song on the walls. That's all I'm saying.
Dylan Moran
But here's the biggest head-scratcher of all: Not only are atheists destroying our country, they're completely deluding themselves. There's simply no way to prove that there is no God. If I didn't hate them so much, I'd feel bad for these folks. Imagine going through life completely duped into thinking that there's no invisible, omniscient higher power guiding every action on Earth. It's just so arbitrary! Can't they see?
Stephen Colbert
If you're looking for an enemy, stop imagining it's one group or another. All mankind is your enemy, including yourself.
T.J. Kirk
If you saw her in these moments, you might think she was collecting her thoughts in order to go forward. But I see it another way: Her mind is being overwhelmed by two processes that must simultaneously proceed at full steam. One is to deal with and live in the present world. The other is to re-experience and mourn something that happened long ago. It is as though her lightness pulls her toward heaven, but the extra gravity around her keeps her earthbound.
Steve Martin
If you want to test cosmetics, why do it on some poor animal who hasn't done anything? They should use prisoners who have been convicted of murder or rape instead. So, rather than seeing if perfume irritates a bunny rabbit's eyes, they should throw it in Charles Manson's eyes and ask him if it hurts.
Ellen DeGeneres
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
Chris Rock
This calls for a very special blend of psychology and extreme violence.
Ben Elton
Once you've found some joy, you never want to be without it.
Alec Baldwin
That's the thing about the internet: it doesn't simply help us find the best thing out there; it has helped to produce the idea that there is a best thing, and, if we search hard enough, we can find it.
Aziz Ansari
I am the kind of person who, if my feelings are unrequited, can completely detach from someone emotionally if I simply put my mind to it.
Mindy Kaling
To my way of thinking, there is every bit as much evidence for theexistence of UFOs as there is for the existence of God. Probably farmore. At least in the case of UFOs there have been countless tapedand filmed and, by the way, unexplained sightings from all over theworld, along with documented radar evidence seen by experiencedmilitary and civilian radar operators.>>
George Carlin
I took the sleeper out of Glasgow, and as the smelly old train bumped out of Central Station and across the Jamaica Street Bridge, I stared out at the orange halogen streetlamps reflected in the black water of the river Clyde. I gazed at the crumbling Victorian buildings that would soon be sandblasted and renovated into yuppie hutches. I watched the revelers and rascals traverse the shiny wet streets. I thought of the thrill and danger of my youth and the fear and frustration of my adult life thus far. I thought of the failure of my marriage and my failures as a man. I saw all this through my reflection in the nighttime window. Down the tracks I went, hardly aware that I was going further south with every passing second.
Craig Ferguson
After September 11th, I never much liked the trend of everyone and his brother wearing the hats and jackets of the NYPD and FDNY. Only the people who do the job should get to wear the hat. Would you wear someone else's Medal of Honor? Yes, it's a tribute, and sincere tribute is always appropriate for these brave people. But wearing their symbols is also rubbing off a piece of heroism that isn't yours.
Bill Maher
If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.
Stephen Colbert
[American family court] is a system that is corrupt on his best day. It is like being tied to the back of a pickup truck and dragged down a gravel late at night. No one can hear your cries and complaints and it is not over until they say it's over.
Alec Baldwin
There can't be that many individual souls. Not souls like mine. There isn't room. There can't be.
Stephen Fry
Great News! If you quit being cunty the whole world will stop being against you!
Sarah Silverman
My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him.
Henny Youngman
Cheaters never prosper. (Because they suck.)
Greg Behrendt
There is a latent fairy in all women, but look how carefully we have to secrete her in order to be taken seriously. And fairies come in all shapes, colours, sizes and types, they don't have to be fluffy. They can be demanding and furious if hey like. They do, however, have to wear a tiara. That much is compulsory.
Dawn French
Just let the words fly from your lips and your pen. Give them rhythm and depth and height and silliness. Give them filth and form and noble stupidity. Words are free and all words, light and frothy, firm and sculpted as they may be, bear the history of their passage from lip to lip over thousands of years. How they feel to us now tells us whole stories of our ancestors.
Stephen Fry
The thing about people though, I think, is that our hearts tend to do a great job holding on to the horrible stuff and a horrible job holding on to the good. Or at least we're like that until we learn how to not be like that.
Kevin Breel
I'm tired of this back-slappin' "isn't humanity neat" bullshit. We're a virus with shoes.
Bill Hicks
Cheat? Good heavens, this is an amateur cricket match amongst leading prep schools, I'm an Englishman and a schoolmaster supposedly setting an example to his young charges. We are playing the most artistic and beautiful game ever devised. Of course I'll cunting well cheat. Now, give me my robe and put on my crown. I have immortal longings in me.
Stephen Fry
All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.
Stephen Colbert
I found the prospect daunting, but somehow comforting, too, because the counselors insisted it could be done, and, after all, many of them were recovering alcoholics themselves.
Craig Ferguson
She used to be a schoolteacher but she has no class now.
Fred Allen
I finally understand that it’s okay to be a little afraid of things but that obsessing over them does not mean you have any more control over what you fear.
Jen Kirkman
If you know someone who’s depressed, please resolve never to ask them why. Depression isn’t a straightforward response to a bad situation; depression just is, like the weather.Try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness, and loneliness they’re going through. Be there for them when they come through the other side. It’s hard to be a friend to someone who’s depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest, and best things you will ever do.
Stephen Fry
Claiming "the budget can't allow it" reminds me of when you walk into a restaurant at a civilized hour like ten o'clock and they say "the kitchen is closed." For years I would hear this, and think, "damn, just a little too late, oh well, thank you, I guess it's Denny's ag
Bill Maher
I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
George Carlin
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
Roseanne Barr
Abandoned babies are unfortunate unwanted results of a once urgent desire to have an orgasm
David Cross
I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.
George Carlin
You know when I'm down to my socks it's time for businessThat's why they're called business socksIt's business, it's business time
Flight of the Conchords
You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend.
Richard Jeni
You may marry the man of your dreams ladies but fourteen years later you're married to a couch that burps.
Roseanne Barr
Why is it when we talk to God we're said to be praying but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?
Lily Tomlin
Why is it when we talk to God we are said to be praying and when God talks to us we're said to be schizophrenic?
Lily Tomlin
Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book -and does
Groucho Marx
When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. Then find someone who's life is givin' them vodka and have a party!
Ron White