Quotes by Comedians - Page 11

It's red hot, mate. I hate to think of this sort of book getting in the wrong hands. As soon as I've finished this, I shall recommend they ban it.
Tony Hancock
If you're reading this and you think that maybe you could love someone of the same gender (or nongender), all I have to say to you is this: Congratulations! You're perfect and wonderful and more alive than you ever knew. Be proud of who you are because you're already more than enough.
Hannah Hart
Cup of JoeThere's nothing like a cup of joe,when the morning's grey and grim and slow,when the streets collide with the world outside,when litter lies where lilies grow.Just drink that smoking cup of blackand feel your feelings surging back.Plus, spill a drop and a coffee shopwill sprout up from a sidewalk crack!
Bo Burnham
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win you're still a rat.
Lily Tomlin
I learned that being a mother takes a lot of energy.
Julia Sweeney
So many people are missing their way in life because they are afraid to sign the lease on their gift.
Steve Harvey
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Steven Wright
I used to wonder why I had hair on my legs, but now I know it's for my toddler sons and daughters to pull themselves up off the ground with as I scream in pain.
Jim Gaffigan
A few years back, they jacked David Copperfield in West Palm Beach, for Chrissake. Yes, it's funny: "Yo, empty your pockets," and he pulls out a bunny rabbit. But it's also depressing. If someone who can make himself disappear isn't safe, who is?
Colin Quinn
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
W.C.Fields
My job is to find the politicians and the presidents and the pompous people who are telling other people how to live, powerful, visible creatures and ... go at them.
Craig Ferguson
I can always be distracted by love but eventually I get horny for my creativity.
Gilda Radner
It's just like magic. When you live by yourself all your annoying habits are gone!
Merrill Markoe
I've had great success being a total idiot.
Jerry Lewis
Old is always fifteen years from now.
Bill Cosby
Companies' motives to make profit means they neglect inherent social or moral values.
Russell Brand
If one has no sense of humor, one is in trouble.
Betty White
Most world religions denounced war as a barbaric waste of human life. We treasured the teachings of these religions so dearly that we frequently had to wage war in order to impose them on other people.
Jon Stewart
Mindfulness could also be described as "heartfulness" because it is really about a compassionate awareness.
Mark Williams
If you can do nothing else, do whatever is in your power to make the people in your life feel completely unashamed of who they are.
Sam Killermann
So, if there are any couples here this evening having a secret extramarital affair, I encourage you to breed.
Alison Larkin
Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics. Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say no. But saying “yes” begins things. Saying “yes” is how things grow. Saying “yes” leads to knowledge. “Yes” is for young people. So for as long as you have the strength to, say “yes'.
Stephen Colbert
Choosing to accept yourself is a political act. An act of liberation.
Francesca Martínez
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Groucho Marx
Don't be afraid to excuse yourself. Recharge for as long as you need. Lean up against a tree and take a break from the other bears. I'll be there too, but I promise not to bother you.
Amy Schumer
I'm about to make a wild, extreme and severe relationship rule: the word busy is a load of crap and is most often used by assholes. The word "busy" is the relationship Weapon of Mass Destruction. It seems like a good excuse, but in fact in every silo you uncover, all you're going to find is a man who didn't care enough to call. Remember men are never to busy to get what they want.
Greg Behrendt
Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'.
Craig Ferguson
I am a woman with thoughts and questions and shit to say. I say if I'm beautiful. I say if I'm strong. You will not determine my story — I will. I will speak and share and fuck and love, and I will never apologize to the frightened millions who resent that they never had it in them to do it. I stand here and I am amazing, for you. Not because of you. I am not who I sleep with. I am not my weight. I am not my mother. I am myself. (2014 Gloria Awards and Gala)
Amy Schumer
Well, man, you know what they say."No, I don't. I don't know what they say. I don't even know who they are. Who is this they? They seem pretty smug. They seem to think they know shit. Fuck them.
Bo Burnham
Having a great intellect is no path to being happy.
Stephen Fry
We might not know we are seeking people who best enrich our lives, but somehow on a deep subconscious level we absolutely are. Whether the bond is temporary or permanent, whether it succeeds or fails, fate is simply a configuration of choices that combine with others to shape the relationships that surround us. We cannot choose our family, but we can choose our friends, and we sometimes, before we even meet them.
Simon Pegg
Sadly, the words "reliable" and "accurate" can rarely be applied to the workings of the brain, particularly for memory.
Dean Burnett
My therapist and I even have a joke about it: shit is truly fucked up when I start threatening to take a road trip.
Chris Gethard
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Steven Wright
The Universe is very, very big.It also loves a paradox. For example, it has some extremely strict rules.Rule number one: Nothing lasts forever.Not you or your family or your house or your planet or the sun. It is an absolute rule. Therefore when someone says that their love will never die, it means that their love is not real, for everything that is real dies. Rule number two: Everything lasts forever.
Craig Ferguson
Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.
Rita Rudner
I’ve found that it’s of some help to think of one’s moods and feelings about the world as being similar to weather. Here are some obvious things about the weather:It's real. You can't change it by wishing it away.If it's dark and rainy, it really is dark and rainy, and you can't alter it.It might be dark and rainy for two weeks in a row.BUTit will be sunny one day.It isn't under one's control when the sun comes out, but come out it will.One day.It really is the same with one's moods, I think. The wrong approach is to believe that they are illusions. Depression, anxiety, listlessness - these are all are real as the weather - AND EQUALLY NOT UNDER ONE'S CONTROL. Not one's fault.BUTThey will pass: really they will.In the same way that one really has to accept the weather, one has to accept how one feels about life sometimes, "Today is a really crap day," is a perfectly realistic approach. It's all about finding a kind of mental umbrella. "Hey-ho, it's raining inside; it isn't my fault and there's nothing I can do about it, but sit it out. But the sun may well come out tomorrow, and when it does I shall take full advantage.
Stephen Fry
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Steven Wright
The revelation that personal truth can be the foundation of comedy, that outrageousness can be cleansing and healthy…
Joan Rivers
As an American, I'd like to apologize-for everything.
Rich Hall
Money's scarceTimes are hardHere's your fuckingXmas card
Phyllis Diller
I believe in people getting what's coming to them but don't hold grudges either. We all hurt people, fail & hopefully grow from adversity. Basically, eat shit & thrive
Dane Cook
It’s gotten far easier to allow ourselves to hate than it is to choose to love.
Sam Killermann
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
George Carlin
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
I have survived my first day of chemo and I like this feeling of survival. It’s alive and it’s right and it’s what I will make sure I feel every day for the rest of the life I have left. I make a promise to myself: While I’m dying, I will be completely fucking alive.
Glenn Rockowitz
Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.
W.C.Fields
Have more humility. Remember you don't know the limits of your own abilities. Successful or not, if you keep pushing beyond yourself, you will enrich your own life – and maybe even please a few strangers.
A.L. Kennedy
New Rule: Stop asking Miss USA contestants if they believe in evolution. It’s not their field. It’s like asking Stephen Hawking if he believes in hair scrunchies. Here’s what they know about: spray tans, fake boobs and baton twirling. Here’s what they don’t know about: everything else. If I cared about the uninformed opinions of some ditsy beauty queen, I’d join the Tea Party.
Bill Maher
She said that the planting of trees, like the education of children, was a gift to the future.
Cassandra Danz
It’s very hard to have ideas. It’s very hard to put yourself out there, it’s very hard to be vulnerable, but those people who do that are the dreamers, the thinkers and the creators. They are the magic people of the world.
Amy Poehler
Looking fifty is great - if you're sixty.
Joan Rivers
When you're conscious of what you're permitting to germinate inside you, the weeds in your life will wither away of their own accord.
Lawrence Shorter
If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.
Steven Wright
When asked to borrow money: "I'll see what my lawyer says. . . . And if he says yes I'll get another lawyer."
W.C.Fields
What’s not so great is that all this technology is destroying our social skills. Not only have we given up on writing letters to each other, we barely even talk to each other. People have become so accustomed to texting that they’re actually startled when the phone rings. It’s like we suddenly all have Batphones. If it rings, there must be danger. Now we answer, “What happened? Is someone tied up in the old sawmill?”“No, it’s Becky. I just called to say hi.”“Well you scared me half to death. You can’t just pick up the phone and try to talk to me like that. Don’t the tips of your fingers work?
Ellen DeGeneres
I find that the world is changing much, much faster than I can even bitch about it.
Bill Maher
I looked around and thought about my life. I felt grateful. I noticed every detail. That is the key to time travel. You can only move if you are actually in the moment. You have to be where you are to get where you need to go.
Amy Poehler
Funny is like sexy, and they are kind of related. What turns one person on is hilarious to another person. And vice versa. And you can see all of this at the nexus of clowns. Many people think clowns are hilarious. (Many others think clowns are creepy.) But there is a certain percentage of people who think clowns are sexy. Don't believe me, Google "clown porn" right now. I dare you. And if you don't need to Google that, then it's because it is already saved on your browser. So when these dudes say, "Women aren't funny," they are forgetting a classically important addendum: "to me." They should be saying, "Women aren't funny to me." But they don't say "to me" because if you are a man in America, you are considered the norm. (Remember it's the NBA and the W[omen's]NBA, not the WNBA and the M[en's]NBA.) And if you are a white man in America, then you are also considered the norm.
W. Kamau Bell
I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.
Steve Martin