Quotes by Comedians - Page 10

there was nothing to be ashamed of in doing jobs simply to make a living, so long as those jobs fueled other creative efforts
Alec Baldwin
My father never raised his hand to any one of his children - except in self-defense.
Fred Allen
A lot of people say there's a fine line between genius and insanity. I don't think there's a fine line, I actually think there's a yawning gulf. You see some poor bugger scuffling up the road with balloons tied to his ears, he's not going home to invent a rocket, is he?
Bill Bailey
I don't go in for ancient wisdomI don't believe just 'cos ideas are tenacious it means they're worthy
Tim Minchin
When in doubt about who's to blame. Blame the English.
Craig Ferguson
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright
I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.
Groucho Marx
Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.
Joey Adams
The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!
Jerry Seinfeld
I wanted to say something about the universe. There's God angels plants... and horseshit.
Zero Mostel
He studied with the guru of rock n’ roll, Baba Oom Mow Mow, who taught his own version of the Golden Rule: "Do wop unto others as you would have them do wop unto you.
Swami Beyondananda
Two thousand years ago Jesus is crucified, three days later he walks out of a cave and they celebrate with chocolate bunnies and marshmallow Peeps and beautifully decorated eggs. I guess these were things Jesus loved as a child.
Billy Crystal
He has more chins than a Chinese phone book.
Joan Rivers
I always hated those classic kid movies like Old Yeller or The Yearling where the beloved pet dies. What would be so wrong with having those damn kids learn their lessons about mortality from watching Grandpa kick? Then at least the dog would be around to comfort them.
Merrill Markoe
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
George Burns
I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.
George Carlin
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
Henny Youngman
Everyone who is a comedian or an actor or a musician have many people who influenced them. They in turn influence others. It is a great thing that is handed down. We need to know our history because our art is created from the re-imaginings from our minds with the seeds of the greats who combined as a potpourri in our heads to create something new. You can see it in my stand up. You can hear it in the music of today
Johnny Corn
...we should be grateful for them because without our family—the ancestors we descend from, the cousins we see once a year, the loves our lives we see every day—life is pretty boring.
Ellen DeGeneres
Art is long, life is short.
Whoopi Goldberg
All I ask is one thing, and I’m asking this particularly of young people: please don’t be cynical. I hate cynicism, for the record, it’s my least favorite quality and it doesn’t lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you’re kind, amazing things will happen.
Conan O'Brien
You don’t need no gun control, you know what you need? We need some bullet control. Men, we need to control the bullets, that’s right. I think all bullets should cost five thousand dollars… five thousand dollars per bullet… You know why? Cause if a bullet cost five thousand dollars there would be no more innocent bystanders. Yeah! Every time somebody get shut we’d say, ‘Damn, he must have done something ... Shit, he’s got fifty thousand dollars worth of bullets in his ass.’And people would think before they killed somebody if a bullet cost five thousand dollars. ‘Man I would blow your fucking head off…if I could afford it.’ ‘I’m gonna get me another job, I’m going to start saving some money, and you’re a dead man. You’d better hope I can’t get no bullets on layaway.’So even if you get shot by a stray bullet, you wouldn't have to go to no doctor to get it taken out. Whoever shot you would take their bullet back, like "I believe you got my property.
Chris Rock
Anger fed him and clothed him and he owed it much.
Stephen Fry
If you pray for rain long enough, it eventually does fall. If you pray for floodwaters to abate, they eventually do. The same happens in the absence of prayers.
Steve Allen
It's impossible to be unhappy while wearing a poncho!
Noel Fielding
I am not the sharpest knife in the knife-thing.
Jimmy Dore
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
George Carlin
Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women.
Groucho Marx
You gotta want it.
Bill Murray
There was just Mavis and me, but it never seemed lonely because we never stopped talking. I could have an argument, in earnest, about who was the best “Kid” in the Hall, without having to explain who they were. One friend with whom you have a lot in common is better than three with whom you struggle to find things to talk about. We never needed best friend gear because I guess with real friends you don’t have to make it official. It just is.
Mindy Kaling
I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.
George Carlin
It's not cold in here, you're just dying.
Sarah Silverman
Doing comedy for a living is, in a lot of ways, like a pony and a camel trying to escape from the zoo. It’s a ridiculous endeavor and has a low probability of success, but most importantly, it is way easier if you’re with a friend.
Amy Poehler
I have always grown from my problems and challenges from the things that don't work out. That's when I've really learned.
Carol Burnett
I'd hate to be a teetotaler. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that's as good as you're going to feel all day.
Dean Martin
Last week, I suggested the candidates take up mushrooms. I’ll be damned if Rick Perry didn’t take me up on that.
Bill Maher
Saying someone is religious is heard in most of America as a compliment, a reassuring affirmation that someone will be moral, ethical, and after a few glasses of wine, a freak in the bedroom.
Bill Maher
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
Groucho Marx
The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.
Bob Hope
Politics is just show business for ugly people.
Jay Leno
Bears are simultaneously so graceful and so strong. Bears know who they are, but they often don’t know who you are, which is why they kill you.
Mike Birbiglia
In America we have gone way beyond sustenance. Eating is an activity. 'Why don’t we get lunch, and then we’ll grab some pizza.
Jim Gaffigan
The only time you have no opportunities is when you decide to stop taking them.
Danny Wallace
The best kind of comedy to me is when you make people laugh at things they’ve never laughed at, and also take a light into the darkened corners of people’s minds, exposing them to the light.
Bill Hicks
I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
George Carlin
For birth control I rely on my personality.
Milt Abel
You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble.
George Carlin
The only permanent thing in this world is change.
Totò
A man does not know how he came by the half a pie he is holding in his hand!
Dylan Moran
One of the things I keep learning is that the secret of being happy is doing things for other people.
Dick Gregory
He kissed her for an eternity, which was fine, because heaven had eternities to burn. Then he kissed her for another.
B.J. Novak
Go back to bed, America. Your government has figured out how it all transpired. Go back to bed, America. Your government is in control again. Here. Here's American Gladiators. Watch this, shut up. Go back to bed, America. Here is American Gladiators. Here is 56 channels of it! Watch these pituitary retards bang their fucking skulls together and congratulate you on living in the land of freedom. Here you go, America! You are free to do what we tell you! You are free to do what we tell you!
Bill Hicks
Studies introduced ideas such as the theory that parents pushing their children to play with gendered toys meant children learned to act a certain way according to whether they were a boy or a girl, which was then taken to mean they were "naturally" feminine/masculine.
Harriet Dyer
You can't buy love but you can pay heavily for it.
Henny Youngman
Eating crappy food isn't a reward -- it's a punishment.
Drew Carey
If i had it all to do again there would be more bodies.
Phil Baker
With the evolution of Us came the evolution of Them.The original Them was anyone who wasn’t blood related — Them was pretty much everyone. Over time, as the number of people in Us got bigger, Them got smaller. Them now might mean anyone in any other country. This is a common Them in America, and a Them that only (light use of this word) consists of 95% of the world. Another common Them in America is anyone who isn’t Christian, which is a measly 68% of the world, or roughly 4.8 Billion Thems.In a relatively short amount of time, Us went from being a fraction of a percent of humanity and Them the rest, to some people experiencing an Us of more than two billion other people, far more than were ever alive at the onset of Us and Them.
Sam Killermann
It is an inside joke of history that all its most exciting adventures inevitably end their careers as homework. Beheadings, rebellions, thousand-year wars, incest on the royal throne, electricity, art, opera, dogs in outer space.
B.J. Novak
Prom night can be a special night, if you let it be. I know you think it's for losers and something that popular kids do because they are boring people with porcelain hearts who don't know what it means to be lonely. But you're wrong. Prom is a chance for everyone to try oral sex. Go for it.
Eugene Mirman
Funny is funny is funny.
Bob Newhart