Quotes by Cartoonists - Page 2

There is neither a Heaven for a Hell. Life after Death is an oxymoron. Life is just another word for existence, and Death is just another word for non-existence.
Oliver Markus Malloy
Gatsby's self-willed metamorphosis from farm boy to prince is many ways identical to my father's. Like Gatsby, my father fueled this transformation with the "colossal vitality of his illusion". Unlike Gatsby he did this on a school teacher's salary.
Alison Bechdel
Children's reading and children's thinking are the rock-bottom base upon which this country will rise. Or not rise. In these days of tension and confusion, writers are beginning to realize that books for children have a greater potential for good or evil than any other form of literature on earth.
Dr. Seuss
Nothing quite brings out the zest for life in a person like the thought of their impending death
Jhonen Vásquez
Ennesby, get the Serial Peacemaker to the beach for dustoff.""Dustoff? You're going to run away from three guys?""No, I'm going to kill or capture those three guys, and then run away from the Police.
Howard Tayler
Rockabye Baby, in the treetopDont you know a treetopis no safe place to rock?And who put you up there,and your cradle too?Baby,I think someone down herehas got it in for you!
Shel Silverstein
If we meet and I say, "Hi,"That's a salutation.If you ask me how I feel,That's a consideration.If we stop and talk awhile,That's a conversation.If we understand each other,That's communication.If we argue, scream and fight,That's an altercation.If later we apologize,That's a reconciliation.If we help each other home,That's cooperation.And all these ations added upMake civilization.(And if I say this is a wonderful poem, Is that exaggeration?)
Shel Silverstein
I'm not really sure what makes a book a 'classic' to begin with, but I think it has to be at least fifty years old and some person or animal has to die at the end.
Jeff Kinney
There are only 24 hours in a day. The average man has to sleep about 8 hours. And work for 8 hours. That leaves 8 hours to run some errands, drive to and from work, eat, and have some spare time. And in that little bit of spare time, a man has to figure out how to get the one thing he likes more than anything else: sex.So when a man has to choose whether or not he will hang out with a female and spend any time, money or attention on her, the question of whether the resources he spent will result in sex plays a very big factor. If your male "friend" chooses to spend his time and money on you, it's because he thinks there is a chance it might pay off in sex at some point. If he hangs out with you instead of with some other female, it's because he thinks you are his best bet to getting sex.The more likely there will be sex, the more willing he is to spend his little bit of free time with you. If he thinks his chances of having sex are higher with a different female, he will spent more time, money and attention on her. That's just common sense, and using his limited resources wisely.
Oliver Markus
They say the world is a stage. But obviously the play is unrehearsed and everybody is ad-libbing his lines.""Maybe that’s why it’s hard to tell if we’re living in a tragedy or a farce.""We need more special effects and dance numbers.
Bill Watterson
When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.
Bill Watterson
If anybody tries to penetrate the past with the knife of the present will always act in vain. The past is invulnerable. Such attempts can only cause the present or the future to bleed." - Gregor Brand
Simon Schwartz
So you're a fellow mercenary, then.""Does this mean you'll afford me some professional courtesy?""Don't ask for that. All it means is that you might get to face the person who kills you. . . But only if it's convenient.
Howard Tayler
Are you upset little friend? Have you been lying awake worrying? Well, don't worry...I'm here. The flood waters will recede, the famine will end, the sun will shine tomorrow, and I will always be here to take care of you.
Charles M. Schulz
Even now, years later, it's hard to tell why the government stood by and let the city of New Orleans be destroyed, dispatching troops rather than help.
Ted Rall
All beautiful women are murderers. You've probably heard it said before.
Mike Lester
I think you should know that real-life white people are not all as funny as the ones on 'Seinfeld'.
Aaron McGruder
It's not about what it is, but about what it can become.
Dr. Seuss
The wit makes fun of other persons the satirist makes fun of the world the humorist makes fun of himself.
James Thurber
Oh, they don't allow the Bible in Heaven, Miss Mary...It contains far too much sex and violence.
Bryan Talbot
When I was at the University of California at Berkeley, I went to some classes that must have had more than four hundred students in them. I almost always sat in the far back of the auditorium so I could read the newspaper. I remember that I stayed late one day to ask the professor a question, and when I got up to him, all I could think to myself was, 'So this is what the professor looks like.
Stephan Pastis
An imagination is a powerful tool. It can tint memories of the past, shade perceptions of the present, or paint a future so vivid that it can entice... or terrify, all depending upon how we conduct ourselves today.
Jim Davis
Hi. I'm here to enlist.You can't. You aren't human.You see, little fella, we don't do sociological stuff like "interspeciated workplaces." We're a crack company of space mercenaries. We do "hurting people" and "breaking things."Sounds like my kind of fun.-Schlock & Lieutenant Der Trihs
Howard Tayler
There is a meaning of life but I've been sworn to secrecy.
Brian Spellman
What I'am learning is the world laughs through its ass every day, then just lies double-time when shit goes down. It's like we're on a Pritikin diet of fucken lies. I mean - what kind of fucken life is this?
D.B.C. Pierre
If you can't control your peanut butter, you can't expect to control your life.
Bill Watterson
Writing is nature's way of letting you know how sloppy your thinking is.
Richard Guindon
It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness poverty and wealth have both failed.
Kin Hubbard
Calling a book "Young Adult" is just a fancy way of saying the book is censored. People used to say they like to read books about romance, true crime, comedy, horror or science fiction. But these days people simply say they like to read "Young Adult" books. As if that were a topic. But that's the thing: Young Adult is not a topic, it's a level of censorship. Saying "I like Young Adult books" is just another way of saying "I like books that have been dumbed down for children. I like books with no big words and no difficult abstract concepts. Nothing that will strain my brain." People like to brag that they used to start reading at an early age, as if that were a badge of honor, a sign of intelligence. Nobody brags about when they started to watch TV. But books are being dumbed down so much these days, it's really not a sign of great intelligence when you're a grown up and you struggle your way through Green Eggs and Ham.
Oliver Markus
There's one thing about baldness - it's neat.
Don Herold
I'd rather play tennis than go to the dentist. I'd rather play soccer than go to the doctor.I'd rather play Hurk than go to work.Hurk? Hurk? What's Hurk?I don't know, but it must be better than work.
Shel Silverstein
Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant.
Scott Adams
My beard grows down to my toes,I never wears no clothes,I wraps my hairAround my bare,And down the road I goes.
Shel Silverstein
You can't expect everyone to have the same dedication as you.
Jeff Kinney
Kindness knows no kind.
Brian Spellman
God knows I tried my best to learn the ways of this world, even had inklings we could be glorious; but after all that's happened, the inkles ain't easy anymore. I mean - what kind of fucken life is this?
D.B.C. Pierre
Heaven is a place where all the dogs you've ever loved come to greet you.
Oliver Gaspirtz
What year is it in your imagination?
Lynda Barry
EARLY BIRDOh, if you’re a bird, be an early birdAnd catch the worm for your breakfast plate.If you’re a bird, be an early early bird--But if you’re a worm, sleep late.
Shel Silverstein
I love objectivity when mine.
Brian Spellman
I'm making a listI'm making a list of things I must sayFor politeness,And goodness and kindness and gentlenessSweetness and rightness:HelloPardon meHow are you?Excuse meBless youMay I?Thank youGoodbyeIf you know some that I've forgot,Please stick them in you eye!
Shel Silverstein
Look son, the Human Pig.(shocked)Mother, y-you're inhuman!(deadpan)Another animal could do this?
Larry Gonick
As long as we only have to lie to the enemy, it's honest enough for me.-Captain Tagon
Howard Tayler
Where have you been all of your life?
Brian Spellman
You probably think the majority of your crabbiness is caused by the idiots and sociopaths in your life plus your inexplicable bad luck on any given day. Based on a lifetime of observation, my best estimate is that 80 percent of your mood is based on how your body feels and only 20 percent is based on your genes and your circumstances, particularly your health.
Scott Adams
School never teaches you about this mangled human slime, it slays me. You spend all your time learning the capital of Surinam while these retards carve their initials in your back.
D.B.C. Pierre
Being an optimist after you've got everything you want doesn't count.
Kin Hubbard
It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness. Poverty and wealth have both failed.
Kin Hubbard
I meant what I said and I said what I meant.
Dr. Seuss
I think there's something to the old saying that women use sex to get love, and men use love to get sex. And love is really just a word we use to describe a close bond, or relationship, between two people. Men have been programmed to want sex, so they do whatever is necessary to be in a relationship with a woman. And a woman is programmed to want the stability and (financial) security of a relationship, so she offers the man what he wants: sex.
Oliver Markus
Fifty percent of life is ninety percent indecisive. The rest is confusing.
Brian Spellman
I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building.
Charles M. Schulz
We're so busy watching out for what's just ahead of us that we don't take time to enjoy where we are.
Bill Watterson
It goes in streaks. But some things never go out of fashion.' Hunger artists, fat folks, giants, and dog acts come and go but real freaks never lose their appeal.
Katherine Dunn
The real Machiavellian genius of the First Amendment is that free speech turns out to be mostly harmless — a lot of P.C. nit-picking, dingbat conspiracy theories, tedious libertarian screeds and name calling. The only “free speech” that has any effect in a stable, well-run plutocracy is the kind protected by Buckley vs. Valeo in the form of campaign contributions.
Tim Kreider
Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try!
Dr. Seuss
I don't know where my ideas come from. I will admit, however, that one key ingredient is caffeine. I get a couple cups of coffee into me and weird things just start to happen.
Gary Larson
Please allow me the honour of allowing you to bestow upon me a blowjob.
Daniel Clowes
I’ve learned one thing-people who know the least anyways seem to know it the loudest.
Al Capp
Music is our bidet, man.
Tim Hensley