Quotes by Cartoonists - Page 14

‎All my stupid little thoughts beget stupid little thoughts, rampantly speculating every possible outcome of every possible situation until they're all done to death and none of them could ever be true.
Bryan Lee O'Malley
Well, I can understand how you feel. You worked hard, studying for the spelling bee, and I suppose you feel you let everyone down, and you made a fool of yourself and everything. But did you notice something, Charlie Brown?" "What's that?""The world didn't come to an end.
Charles M. Schulz
Happiness is waking up, looking at the clock and finding that you still have two hours left to sleep.
Charles M. Schulz
Scott, if your life had a face, I would punch it. I would punch your life in the face.
Brian Lee O'Malley
I've been coerced into free will.
Brian Spellman
It extols death with the luminescent brilliance of a dying star. It is Genghis Khan bathed in sherbet ice cream. The mantis shrimp is the harbinger of blood-soaked rainbows.
The Oatmeal
I have never even idly thought for a single passing second that it might make my life nicer to have a small rude incontinent person follow me around screaming and making me buy them stuff for the rest of my life.
Tim Kreider
Big sisters are the crabgrass in the lawn of life.
Charles Schulz
Maxim 3: An ordnance technician at a dead run outranks everybody.-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries
Howard Tayler
All i have to offer is this: i hold a valid driver's license and I know the way to the hospital. I can hang curtains, flip a mattress, load a dishwasher. I can deliver a pizza, lend a steadying arm, laugh at a morbid joke and compliment a bad wig and I know the metric system. I doubt that's gonna be enough.
Brian Fies
We don't value craftsmanship anymore! All we value is ruthless efficiency, and I say we deny our own humanity that way! Without appreciation for grace and beauty, there's no pleasure in creating things and no pleasure in having them! Our lives are made drearier, rather than richer! How can a person take pride in his work when skill and care are considered luxuries! We're not machines! We have a human need for craftsmanship!
Bill Watterson
She has given me a way out.
Alison Bechdel
You're never too old to be young.
Paul Palnik
Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.
Bill Watterson
Just existing is where a lot of living happens.
Fred Gallagher
I totally carpe-d the snot out of this diem!
Jerry Scott
I am intelligent I am attractiveI am powerfulI am proactiveI am healthI am strengthI am stealthI am surrounded by loveI am a beacon of hopeI-- HORKFLAKGLORKSPUKE....That was a hairballAnd I am a catAnd what just happenedI am fine with that
Francesco Marciuliano
The thinner the excuse, the fatter the reason for it.
Jerry Scott
Everything comes to him who waits, except a loaned book.
Kin Hubbard
Knock! knock!who's there?me!me who?that's right?what's right?meehoo!that's what I want to know!what's what you want to know?me who?yes, exactly!exactly what?yes, I have exactlywatt on a chain!exactly what on a chain?yes!yes what?no, exactlywatt!that's what I want to know!I told you-exactlywatt!exactly what?yes!yes what?yes it's with me.what's with you?exactlywatt-that's what with me.me who?yes!go away!knock knock...
Shel Silverstein
It's a pretty good little old place after all, and I have little time for the gloomers who are eternally shrieking that this old mud ball is rolling to the bow wows. I am satisfied to take my chances with this one, thank you, and not worry about the next . . . You must carry along with you a lively imagination and plenty of romance in your soul. Some of the most wonderful things in the world will seem dull and drab unless you view them in the proper light.
LeRoy Robert Ripley
Time is like a zombie. It moves slow, but all of a sudden 'BOO! Got your brains!
Jennie Breeden
We contradict all for which we stand for we all stand for the lie the whole lie and nothing but the lie so help save our lying asses.
Brian Spellman
Squandering time is a luxury of profligate youth, when the years are to us as dollars are to billionaires. Doing the same thing in middle age just makes you nervous, not with vague puritan guilt but the more urgent worry that you're running out of time, a deadline you can feel in your cells.
Tim Kreider
Happiness is like time and space-we make and measure it ourselves it is as fancy as big as little as you please just a thing of contrasts and comparisons.
George du Maurier
When your mama was the geek, my dreamlets," Papa would say, "she made the nipping off of noggins such a crystal mystery that the hens themselves yearned toward her, waltzing around her, hypnotized with longing.
Katherine Dunn
Do you want to have sex? I think we should have sex. CASUAL sex.
Bryan Lee O'Malley
Sometimes it seems like "pain" is too obvious a place to turn for inspiration. Pain isn't always deep, anyway. Sometimes it's awful and that's it. Or boring. Surely other things can be as profound as pain.
Ellen Forney
That was the day I knew. It was as if Rolls met Royce, Black met Decker, Oliver met Stan, TinTin met Snowy, Marks met Spencer... he was to me what Patracolus was to Achilles, Hylas to Hercules, Enkidoe to Gilgamesh, Jonathan to David, Bosie to Oscar Wilde, Rimbaud to Verlaine. He was my Billy Budd, all the holy multitude of Thebes, Jasjoe mixed with Tadzio...
Tom Bouden
Nobody ever forgets where he buried a hatchet.
Kin Hubbard
It's probably not easy for a woman to understand what it's like to be a man. Imagine you're starving, and someone puts a huge buffet in front of you. There's delicious, mouth-watering food all around you, and it's really really hard not to eat it all. That's what it's like to be a man around attractive women. The urge to want to hump everything that moves is part of a man's natural programming. It's a deep-seated hunger. To suppress that hunger takes civilization and a lot of willpower.
Oliver Markus
Alan! How many more times do I have to tell you? We do not say “see you soon” to customers when they leave our shop. We say “goodbye”, because they won’t be coming back, ever. When will you get that into your thick head?
Jean Teulé
We like to romanticize the wild, raw, majestic beauty of nature. But when you take a closer look, nature is really just a giant fuckfest. That beautiful bird chirping? It's a mating call. That pretty little bird is trying to get laid. And why does the peacock have such beautiful feathers? To attract females. Because he's trying to get laid.
Oliver Markus
Inside the (Domestic) Sphere women did things which weren't too demanding like childcare, scrubbing the floor, washing the sheets and curtains, sewing on buttons, and coalmining.
Jacky Fleming
I’ve realized is that every time you get something cool for your birthday or for Christmas, within a week it’s being used against you. (We'll be taking this away until your English grade improves)
Jeff Kinney
Spy' is such a short ugly word. I prefer 'espionage.' Those extra three syllables really say something.
Howard Tayler
There isn’t a name for my situation. Firstly because I decided to kill myself. And then because of this idea:I don’t have to do it immediately.Whoosh, through a little door. It’s a limbo.I need never answer the phone again or pay a bill. My credit score no longer matters. Fears and compulsions don’t matter. Socks don’t matter. Because I’ll be dead. And who am I to die? A microwave chef. A writer of pamphlets. A product of our time. A failed student. A faulty man. A bad poet. An activist in two minds. A drinker of chocolate milk, and when there’s no chocolate, of strawberry and sometimes banana.
D.B.C. Pierre
Unhappiness is not knowing what we want and killing ourselves to get it.
Don Herold
So I've started wearing sweatpants to bed because I really don't need Santa seeing me in my underwear.
Jeff Kinney
You should always aim to be your own mouse, Lieam. In fact...you already are. You are not so quick to jump into danger as Saxon and not as pensive of mind as Kenzie. They rely on each other too much. Saxon knows he can afford to be reckless since Kenzie acts as his conscience. And Kenzie can linger in his thoughts and plans, because he knows Saxon can defend him. I tested Kenzie earlier. I wanted to see if he would be swayed by my advice. It took Saxon's coaxing to make up the greyfur's mind. Be compleete with in yourself young redfur...you will never disappoint. Even in solitude.
David Petersen
Fill your house with stacks of books, in all the crannies and all the nooks.
Dr. Seuss
Stephanie had been raped, beaten and left for dead on the Atlantic City Boardwalk several times. You'd think she would have hit rock bottom after those experiences. But no. None of that made her quit. It just made her want to use even more drugs, to forget her miserable life. As long as she could get high, she didn't care if she was being raped in a dark alley. At this point in her life, a lethal overdose probably would have felt like her salvation.
Oliver Markus
Months after my wrists ripping, a talk therapist referred to the act as self-hatred. Until then nobody had said this to me. Did everyone presume that I already knew so? People say it all the time. It’s safer to draw this conclusion. Throw in cowardice and you have an insulated public. I was not enraged at all. I was panic stricken. How could I hate myself for wanting to stop such physical sickness and terror? Mine was an act of caretaking, compassion, love. You cannot share this insight with therapists because they think such encourages recurrence. Have you ever stopped diarrhea with a prayer? If you have to go, you go. If you have to die, you die.
Brian Spellman
What do you think? Overkill?""I don't believe there is any such thing.But in this case, 'yes, overkill.
Howard Tayler
- ...before I was going to college, my secret plan was to one day not tell anybody and just get on some bus to some random city and just move there and become this totally different person. - Then what? - ...and not come back until I had totally become this person... I used to think about it all the time... - I don't get it... - That's because you don't uterlly loathe yourself
Daniel Clowes
Shepherd Book: What are we up to, sweetheart? River: Fixing your Bible. Book: I, um... What? River: Bible's broken. Contradictions, false logistics - doesn't make sense. Shepherd Book: No, no. You-you-you can't... River: So we'll integrate non-progressional evolution theory with God's creation of Eden. Eleven inherent metaphoric parallels already there. Eleven. Important number. Prime number. One goes into the house of eleven eleven times, but always comes out one. Noah's ark is a problem. Shepherd Book: Really? River: We'll have to call it early quantum state phenomenon. Only way to fit 5000 species of mammal on the same boat. Shepherd Book: River, you don't fix the Bible. River: It's broken. It doesn't make sense. Book: It's not about making sense. It's about believing in something, and letting that belief be real enough to change your life. It's about faith. You don't fix faith, River. It fixes you.
Ben Edlund
Schopenhauer said only men had the total objectivity necessary for genius, and that you only had to look at a woman’s shape to see that she wasn’t intended for much mental or physical work.
Jacky Fleming
There is neither a Heaven nor a Hell. Life after Death is an oxymoron. Life is just another word for existence, and Death is just another word for non-existence.
Oliver Markus Malloy
I had a dream about you last night... in it, we wondered why dogs come in packs but you can't pack dogs.
Marshall Ramsay
Intellectual controversies tend to be like dog fights without the teeth, in which the barking not the biting does the damage.
Luis Fernando Verissimo
The key to career advancement is appearing valuable despite all hard evidence to the contrary. … If you add any actual value to your company today, your career is probably not moving in the right direction. Real work is for people at the bottom who plan to stay there.
Scott Adams
Look at Charlie Brown's face. Would you please hold still a minute Charlie Brown? I want Linus to study your face. Now this is what you call a failure face, Linus. Notice how it has failure written all over it. Study it carefully Linus. You rarely see such a good example. Notice the deep lines, the dull vacant look in the eyes. Yes, I would say this is one of the finest examples of a failure face that your liable to see for a long while.
Charles M. Schulz
Patty: I'll be the good guy.Shermy: I'll be the bad guy.Patty: What are you going to be, Charlie Brown?Charlie Brown: I'll be sort of in-between; I'll be a hypocrite!
Charles M. Schulz
Life has its sunshine and its rain, sir... its days and its nights... its peaks and its valleys...
Charles M. Schulz
I don't believe in the concept of hell, but if I did I would think of it as filled with people who were cruel to animals.
Gary Larson
Sometimes...you can cry until there's nothing wet in you. You can scream and curse to where your throat rebels and ruptures. You can pray, all you want, to whatever god you think will listen. And, still it makes no difference. It goes on, with no sign as to when it might release you. And you know that if it ever did relent...it would not be because it cared.
Jhonen Vásquez
There's only one thing to do in crisis like this - SLEEP ON IT!Garfield, the cat.
Jim Davis
I'm here because all fairy tales take place in the woods, King Cole, even those that don't.
Bill Willingham
I'm everyone everywhere with you without you unbound set free in limbo lost at sea.
Bryan Lee O'Malley
Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.
Matt Groening