Woody Allen Quotes - Page 2

I am going to give my psychoanalyst one more year then I'm going to Lourdes.

I believe people ought to mate for life...like pigeons or Catholics.

David: And you think it can just evaporate? Even if at one time they loved one another?Marx: That's one of the sad truths of existence. Nothing in this world is permanent. Even the characters created by the great Shakespeare will, in millions of years, cease to exist—when the universe runs its course and the lights go out.

Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.

If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.

There's nothing like the discovery of an unknown work by a great thinker to set the intellectual community atwitter and cause academics to dart about like those things one sees when looking at a drop of water under a microscope.

You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.

I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable.

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.

Is sex dirty? Only when it's being done right.

I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman.

Life doesn't imitate art it imitates bad television.

Honey! Bring down a copy of my will - and an eraser!

The best thing to do is to behave in a manner befitting one's age. If you are sixteen and under try not to go bald.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

I love nature, I just don't want to get any of it on me.

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better, [Cloquet thought,] while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

We Are The Sum Total Of Our Choices...

You want to make God laugh? Tell him your future plans.

Some guy hit my fender the other day and I said unto him "Be fruitful and multiply." But not in those words.

All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are Socrates.

If I had my life to live over I wish I could be a great pianist or something.

My brain? That's my second favorite organ.

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

I like the rain. It washes memories off the sidewalk of life.

I broke up with this girl, and they put me with a psychiatrist who said, 'Why did you get so depressed, and do all those things you did?' I said, 'I wanted this girl and she left me.'And he said,'Well, we have to look into that.'And I said, 'There's nothing to look into! I wanted her and she left me.' And he said, 'Well, why are you feeling so intense?'And I said, 'Cause I want the girl!' And he said, 'What's underneath it?' And I said, 'Nothing!'He said, 'I'll have to give you medication.'I said, 'I don't want medication! I want the girl!'And he said, 'We have to work this through.'So, I took a fire extinguisher from the casement and struck him across the back of his neck. And before I knew it, guys from Con Ed had jumper cables in my head and the rest was...

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: Frequently there must be a beverage.

How to make God laugh. Tell him your future plans.

Maugham then offers the greatest advice anyone could give to a young author: "At the end of an interrogation sentence, place a question mark. You'd be surprised how effective it can be.

What is fascinating is that it is physical. You know, that's one thing about intellectuals, they've proved that you can be absolute brilliant and have no idea what's going on. But on the other hand, the body doesn't lie, as we now know. Nono, it'll be great, because all of those ph.Ds are in there, like, discussing modes of alienation, and we'll be in here quietly humping.

I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers and they are going to make a game out of it.

To you, I'm an atheist.To God, I'm the loyal opposition.

bullshit french post-war rationalizing

Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat...college,

Is sex dirty? Only if it is done right.

I can't do anything to death, doctor's orders.

I don't believe in God. Just try getting a plumber on the weekend.

I'm at the stage of life when if a girl says no to me I'm profoundly grateful to her.

The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.