Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

Life's a short trip. You'll find out.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years-I didn't want to interrupt her.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

You gotta look out for number one, but don't step in number two!

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all.

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

I'm at the age when food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far I had a good day. I got a dial tone.