Rita Rudner Quotes

Men forget everything women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

Have children while your parents are still young enough to take care of them.

Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Men who drink herbal teas are seldom serial killers.

Men in high levels of government seldom surf.

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

I had the most boring office job in the world...I used to clean the windows on envelopes.

Men like cars women like clothes. Women only like cars because they take them to clothes.

Most of the men sitting in first class on an airplane have really boring jobs.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and boughr jewelry.

All men look at Dr. Ruth and wonder how she has gained all that sexual experience.

Men will now get up and walk with the baby in the middle of the night change its diapers and give it a bottle but in their heart of hearts they still think they shouldn't have to.

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

If you like easygoing monogamous men stay away from billionaires.

My father watched football with the sound off because he lived in fear of hearing the voice of Howard Cosell.

A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

Most men are secretly still mad at their mothers for throwing away their comic books. They would be valuable now.

Men are very confident people. Even a sixty-year-old man with no arms thinks he could play in the Super Bowl if he had to.

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

Her idea of a romantic setting is one that has a diamond in it. If you feel the need to marry a doctor I suggest a dermatologist. Good hours free Retin-A.

I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962.