Phyllis Diller Quotes

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.

Cleaning your house while your children are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.

Money's scarceTimes are hardHere's your fuckingXmas card

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

We spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 months teaching them to sit down and shut up.

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

I'm at an age where my back goes out more than I do.

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder, and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

Housework won't kill you, but then again, why take the chance?

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.