Lois Greiman Quotes - Page 2

Women have to be in the mood for sex. Men have to be breathing.

Breaking up is hard to do. But, bustin him in the head ain't that easy, either.

Some people say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. In actuality, you have to make an incision through his skin, both dermis and epidermis, then carefully sever and separate the sternum. Only upon viewing the exposed thoracic cavity can you reach the heart--if indeed the male of the species actually possesses such an organ.

When in doubt, shoot 1st and ask questions later, but avoid the head, "because they'rea lot more likely to answer if they're not dead.

In this town, a successful marriage is one that lasts longer than ice.

They say love makes the world go around… I been dizzy for a long time.

In the beginning God made the seas, the mountains, the heavens, and buffalo knees. He made lilies, and dew drops, and snail shells, and roses, and dippers, and yappers, and snappers, and noses.

The theory of relativity doesn't amount to a hill of beans when there's a bonfire in your shorts.

I'd trade every last one of you for a moment's peace and a dog that didn't P on the carpet

There aren't many things a man finds more appealing than loyalty. Unless it's a woman with really big knockers.

There is no feature as attractive as a well exercised intellect.

Taxes for people with too much damned time on their hands.

Today's problems are yesterday's mistakes coming back to bite you in the ass.

Just remember this, Missy, escargot ain't nothin' but snails with their noses stuck in the air.

Maybe knowledge is power, but it's damned hard to think a burglar to death.

Men are like beer. Some are bold and some are smooth. But every damn one of 'em has a big-ass head full of air.

A balanced diet and a brisk daily walk will help keep you healthy, but there's nothing like a good-looking young man with a nice butt to help up your cardiovascular system.

It is far better to know the painful truth than to live with a kindly falsehood.

Excuses are like butt holes everyone has 'em and they all stink.

Generally, men are superior in the areas of heavy lifting, where there's a past only by pachyderms and building cranes. Beyond that, I believe any right-thinking thinking will see that women have the indisputable advantage.

If money don't buy happiness, what the hell does?

I'd rather be pissed off then pissed on.

If it looks like a cat, walks like a cat, and has whiskers like a cat, it's probably a damn cat. But if it eats your groceries, messes up your kitchen, and makes you want to rip out your hair by the roots, you either married it or gave birth to it

Love makes the world go around, but so does a gallon of vodka and a box of Cuban cigars.

If they really wanted us to resist temptation, they shouldn't a made it so damn tempting.

Maybe in fairytales you're only as old as you feel, but here in L. A. you're every second as old as your pores.

Analyzing dreams is much like walking on water. There are a limited number of people who do it well.

I ain't taking no more rides on the stupid train.

Expect stupid. It's everywhere.

There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who enjoy a nice salami and those who have no souls.

Chocolate may be cheaper than a psychiatrist, but the latter doesn't generally adhere to your ass for the rest of your natural life.

Dating--the socially accepted alternative to the rack.

If at 1st you don't succeed, stretch out on your La-Z-Boy with a six-pack and a porn flick. Y' still won't succeed, but you sure as hell won't give a shift.

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

There are lots of fish in the sea. Some are sharks, some are angels, and some are bottom feeders.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but tequila makes it so she doesn't give a shit if she's fond of you are not

You are a perfect woman, a magical blend of beauty, intelligence, and spirit. Without you, my life is nothing.

I've been a little cranky since that house fell on my sister.

You really don't know a person until you spend some time in their panties.

Trust is important to any relationship… and easier to come by if you get a picture of a guy's wife buck naked.

Some people are street-smart, some people are book-smart, but most people are just dumber than dirt.

Fair play is all well and good. But knowing how to kick 'em in the balls can get you out of a jam 9 times out of 10.

Of course I believe in hell. I have three brothers.

I'm just an everyday kind of hero. If the everyday kind saves babies from burning buildings and looks hotter than hell in bunker gear.

Yeah, world peace would be all right, but what about a day off in a slab of ham the size of my head.

Don't worry. It's scientifically unlikely that the universe will explode into a million particles at any given moment.

Every morning I read the obituaries. If it ain't there I make myself a cup of tea and carry on like I have the past century or so.

You're just so lucky blood's so hard to get out of the carpet.

It's not as if I don't like men, I just have more respect for my washing machine.

A wedding is no way to begin a marriage.

He's just a flash in the pants.

Celibacy sucks, no pun intended.

The trouble with insanity is it can flare up at the most inconvenient moments.

She may be an old flame, but she still smokin'.

He looked from His heavens and saw it was good, the toes and the crows all looked like they should. The bunny was quick, the finch bright as a daisy, the owl flew at night, and the tortoise was lazy.

He who laughs loudest has a high probability of being extremely inebriated.