Josh Stern Quotes

You always miss 100% of the shots you don't order
Josh Stern
Don't ever mistake silence for ignorance, when it is obviously stupidity
Josh Stern
If you see the light at the end of the tunnel, you’re lookingthrough binoculars the wrongway
Josh Stern
The true genius of a Woman is her subtle flair in creating the illusion that you are the smart one
Josh Stern
Revenge is a dish best served in something microwaveable
Josh Stern
Women are aroused by the strangest things, like a rock going through their bedroom window
Josh Stern
An alibi is one alliterative consonant short of being a magic carpet
Josh Stern
It's not that I'm ahead of my time, it's more that the world is running late
Josh Stern
The only threesome I've ever experienced is with Pantene 2 in 1
Josh Stern
I like gross generalizations...I also like disgusting specifics!
Josh Stern
It's one thing if your hobby is to put ships inside a bottle, but a deer in the headlights!... That's a real talent
Josh Stern
Come Hell or High Water" usually depends on the kind of plug you use in the bath tub
Josh Stern
Anyone can spin a victory, it's a total loss that demands creativity
Josh Stern
If life is a bowl of cherries, what's inside of it?
Josh Stern
If positivity is not your mindset, then reset
Josh Stern
Don't you wish we all lived in black light.... for one thing, it would mean an end to toothpaste as we know it
Josh Stern
Blood is thicker than water, but they still use corn starch as a thickener on cooking shows
Josh Stern
It's not hard to fail...it's hard to accept you failed...but once that's out of the way, it's pretty smooth sailing
Josh Stern
If you love somebody set them free- it also works equally well if you hate somebody
Josh Stern
There's always someone we'd love to kill, the trick is to make it not look like an accident
Josh Stern
Behind every successful man, is a Woman breathing through her mouth
Josh Stern
I'd die for your sins, but I'd probably enjoy them first
Josh Stern
Be nice to people on your way up, because you'll land on them on your way down
Josh Stern
When you're out in the wilderness and get back to base camp only to discover sleeping bag turndown service….that's no chocolate on the pillow
Josh Stern
Blood is thicker than water, and so is diarrhea
Josh Stern
It's always darkest before you're blinded by the light
Josh Stern
Everyone comes with baggage, make sure you get one that comes with a rack
Josh Stern
If you don't fall down now and again, it just means the training wheels are working
Josh Stern
Love is the canvas covering the furniture that you've become a part of
Josh Stern
Only the good die young, the bad petite-mort
Josh Stern
I love Shark Week, where all kids under 12 swim for free
Josh Stern
True ambition is trying to paint yourself out of a corner
Josh Stern
Loving someone is sticking a pin through a voodoo doll and not hitting any vital organs
Josh Stern
Don't be so hard on yourself....that's what a loofah's for
Josh Stern
In order to butterfly kiss, does it require caterpillar lips?
Josh Stern
the only drinking problem I've ever had, is figuring out why I'm still stuck in this salad spinner
Josh Stern
If you take things the wrong way, be aware of which end is up
Josh Stern
Friends might lose touch but never lose feelings
Josh Stern
Maturity is when you no longer get the urge to make snow angels in mud season
Josh Stern
Target your random acts of kindness, to keep a tally of who owes what
Josh Stern
Some people are so positive, that when they slip in dog poop, they pirouette
Josh Stern
Treat life as a suicide mission, take on the impossible jobs and attack with the gusto of someone who has nothing to lose.... and when you revel in victory, make like it's a dirty win
Josh Stern
At this point in my life, beaming confidence is largely a matter of mind over bladder control
Josh Stern
positivity is the father of reinvention
Josh Stern
Does speed dating necessarily end up in a quickie divorce....?
Josh Stern
To err is human, to accept full responsibility is to just run with it
Josh Stern
Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it in summer school
Josh Stern
If it's the thought that counts, then ignorance must use a calculator
Josh Stern
I started to enjoy the regal sport of cockfighting... but I'm still having trouble getting the hang of windmilling the bayonet
Josh Stern
I hate pulling out... I mean, I'm really bad at the whole parking thing....
Josh Stern
I've always been a poor sport and a sore loser...any other behavior might encourage a repeat performance
Josh Stern
Manners without sincerity, is called polite society
Josh Stern
It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the blame
Josh Stern
When it comes to exacting revenge, it gets harder and harder to top yourself each successive time
Josh Stern
Never send a Man in to do a Donkey's job
Josh Stern
Never be paralyzed by fear, just by falling off a cliff
Josh Stern
Patience is learning to take a deep breath while you’re exhaling
Josh Stern
Women need a reason to have sex, while men just need an angle
Josh Stern
Dr. Suess said: 'Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened..' I tell my dates: 'Don't cry because it happened, smile because it's over
Josh Stern
Y'know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations, like sitting on frozen peas after a vasectomy
Josh Stern