Jay Leno Quotes

Elections in L.A. are so different. Here you've got politicians with phony smiles making false promises to voters with fake boobs and bad toupees.

Bob Dole revealed he is one of the test subjects for Viagra. He said on Larry King, 'I wish I had bought stock in it.' Only a Republican would think the best part of Viagra is the fact that you could make money off of it.

As a politician he does everything to keep out of trouble often by not asking questions. However it does bother him that every time the doorbell rings his maid hides in the dryer.

My wife loves Europe but to me it's a bad day at a theme park.

Politics is just show business for ugly people.

You could do anything in your room at college. You could smoke pot live in a coed dorm have a girl. But you couldn't have a . . . hot plate!

New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.

CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.

They say hot dogs can kill you. How do you know it's not the bun?

I was reading in the paper today that Congress wants to replace the dollar bill with a coin. They’ve already done it. It’s called a nickel.

They keep talking about drafting a constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys. It's worked for over 200 years, and Hell, we're not using it anymore.

L.A.'s large convenience stores are so big they can accommodate up to twenty armed robbers at one time.

Let me give you an idea how long ago they got married. You know where they met? . . . At a Cubs World Series game.

With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides,flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from oneend to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terroristattacks, "Are we sure this is a good time to take God out ofthe Pledge of Allegiance?

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow 'Operation Re-elect Bush' doesn't seem to be popular.

You know who must be very secure in their masculinity? Male ladybugs.