Fred Allen Quotes

I have just returned from Boston it is the only sane thing to do if you find yourself up there.

All I know about humour is that I don't know anything about it.

I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.

My father never raised his hand to any one of his children - except in self-defense.

She used to be a schoolteacher but she has no class now.

All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.

a group of people who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done

It is bad to suppress laughter. It goes back down and spreads to your hips.

Advertising is 85% confusion and 15% commission.

The American arrives in Paris with a few French phrases he has culled from a conversational guide or picked up from a friend who owns a beret.

(A gentleman) is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.

The first Sunday I sang in the church choir two hundred people changed their religion.

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for movie stars.

California is a fine place to live, if you happen to be an orange.

My agent gets 10 percent of everything I get except the blinding headaches.