Craig Ferguson Quotes

He was in awe of the thirst that people had for someone to tell them that everything was going to be all right. He marveled at the gullibility and vulnerability of his fellow humans. No wonder the churches called them sheep. They were woolly-headed pack animals being herded around for the benefit of whoever knew how to control the dogs.

Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken.Infallibility is a sin in any man.All laws can be broken and are.Often.

If I have a near-beer, I’m near beer. And if I’m near beer, I’m close to tequila. And if I’m close to tequila, I’m adjacent to cocaine.

That's why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? ... They are Evil.

With good parody, you have to be smarter that the people you’re parodying.

From this moment on I'd dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong?

I'm gonna enjoy being old I think I'll be awesome at it.

Sometimes they would just pay me to stay home and not do anything else, which sounds fantastic but doesn't do much for your ego. Its probably a little like getting alimony-the money is nice but has a nasty aftertaste.

I freely admit I'm confused. I'm a confused and troubled individual but at the same time...Its Free!

If a man doesn't know how to dance he doesn't know how to make love, there I said it!

I know the fashion is that everything is fair game [for comedy material] but I don't believe that.

At CBS, I’m in your house. I’m mindful of that. When I do standup, you’re in my home and I can say what I want to.

You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout, I'm telling you why,Cause Santa Clause might put a cap in your ass.

For example, in Paris, if one desires to buy something, you enter the store and say "Good morning, sir" or "madam," depending on what is appropriate, you wait until you are greeted, you make polite chitchat about the weather or some such, and when the salesperson asks what they can do for you, then and only then do you bring up the vulgar business of the transaction you require.

I have that hypocrisy of a parent in that I'm like,'Come on, you've got to toughen up at the same time let me take care of that for you.

It seemed that I performed better sober than drunk. Who knew?

Ask yourself the three things you must always ask yourself before you say anything. 1) Does this need to be said 2) “Does this need to be said by me? 3) Does this need to be said by me now?

Look, there is nothing you can say about this show that I don't already know

America truly is the best idea for a country that anyone has ever come up with so far. Not only because we value democracy and the rights of the individual, but because we are always our own most effective voice of descent....We must never mistake disagreement between Americans on political or moral issues to be an indication of their level of patriotism. If you don't like what I say or don't agree with where I stand on certain issues, then good. I'm glad we're in America, and don't have to oppress each other over it. We're not just a nation, we're not an ethnicity. We are a dream of justice that people have had for a thousand years.

School did give me one of the greatest gifts of my life, though. I learned how to read, and for that I remain thankful. I would have died otherwise. As soon as I was able, I read, alone. Under the covers with a flashlight or in my corner of the attic—I sought solace in books. It was from books that I started to get an inkling of the kinds of assholes I was dealing with. I found allies too, in books, characters my age who were going through or had triumphed against the same bullshit.

When in doubt about who's to blame. Blame the English.

My job is to find the politicians and the presidents and the pompous people who are telling other people how to live, powerful, visible creatures and ... go at them.

Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'.

The Universe is very, very big.It also loves a paradox. For example, it has some extremely strict rules.Rule number one: Nothing lasts forever.Not you or your family or your house or your planet or the sun. It is an absolute rule. Therefore when someone says that their love will never die, it means that their love is not real, for everything that is real dies. Rule number two: Everything lasts forever.

Its easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.

Acid gave me a clinical, unblinking look at madness, and I discovered I wasn't brave enough to be insane.

Oh Satan you're a wily one.

People talk to old people like they're children.'Oh you're very old aren't you?' Yeah I'm old. I'm not stupid.

On that same tour we ran into a band at Aylesbury Friars, a biggish venue in Oxfordshire, England. They were a four-piece from Ireland called U2. They seemed like nice fellows and they sounded pretty good, but we didn’t keep in touch. They’re probably taxi drivers and accountants by now.

I love zombies. If any monster could Riverdance, it would be zombies.

I took the sleeper out of Glasgow, and as the smelly old train bumped out of Central Station and across the Jamaica Street Bridge, I stared out at the orange halogen streetlamps reflected in the black water of the river Clyde. I gazed at the crumbling Victorian buildings that would soon be sandblasted and renovated into yuppie hutches. I watched the revelers and rascals traverse the shiny wet streets. I thought of the thrill and danger of my youth and the fear and frustration of my adult life thus far. I thought of the failure of my marriage and my failures as a man. I saw all this through my reflection in the nighttime window. Down the tracks I went, hardly aware that I was going further south with every passing second.

I found the prospect daunting, but somehow comforting, too, because the counselors insisted it could be done, and, after all, many of them were recovering alcoholics themselves.

If you can't trust, you can't be trustworthy.

Sometimes people think you’re smart if you question the status quo, if nothing else.

Divorce lawyers stoke anger and fear in their clients, knowing that as long as the conflicts remain unresolved the revenue stream will keep flowing.

When you need to borrow money the Mob seems like a better deal I think. 'You don't pay me back I break both yer legs.' Is that all? You won't take my house or wreck my credit rating? Fine where do I sign. Legs? Fine. You don't even have to sign anything.

I have a deep and profound mistrust of all politicians.

I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. Its a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.

Thanks cows. I appreciate your tastiness.

I don't think wood was discovered in Britain until the 1970's. That's when I discovered it anyway.

My mother was tickled and I think kind of proud when my father got hit on my an attractive middle-aged Asian lady who hadn't noticed he was with his family. He was certainly pleased about it.

Its hard to stay up. Its been a long long dayAnd you've got the sandman at your door. But hang on, leave the TV on and lets do it anyway.Its ok. You can always sleep through work tomorrow. Ok?Hey, Hey, Tomorrow's just your future yesterday.Tell the clock on the wall, "Forget the wake up call."Cause the night's not nearly through.Wipe the sleep from your eyes. Give yourself a surprise.Let your worries wait another day.And if you stay too late at the bar,At least you made it out this far. So make up your mind and say, "Let's do it anyway!"Its OkYou can always sleep through work tomorrow, ok? Hey, Hey, Tomorrow's just your future yesterday. Life's too short to worry about the things that you can live withoutAnd I regret to say, the morning light is hours away.The world can be such a fright, But it belongs to us tonight.What's the point of going to bed?You look so lovely when your eyes are red.Tomorrow's just your future yesterday.

The Afghan government is as corrupt as a prostitute with a law degree.

It 's the time of year when Canadians mate.

By the power of Steven Wright's Beard!

I think people are as individual as snowflakes, they kinda look alike but no two are the exactly the same, and all classification is the root of prejudice.

I think comedy as an art involves the audience as a participant as much as is involves the artist.

After all this time I found that the novel is in fact punk rock.

Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck.

The world can be such a fright, but it belongs to us tonight.

The Bible has been through at least half a dozen translations by the time you read it. Plus, when the word of God is infected by the hand of man, that is, written down, it is tainted.

There is no Thanksgiving back in the old country where I come from. You know why? Because being thankful is a sin.

I do love America. And LA is a very short commute to America its like half an hour on the plane.

Laughter separates us from despair, and gives us a chance at love.

Every day I ran to that book like it was a bottle of whiskey and crawled inside because it was a world that I had at least some control over, and slowly, in time, it began to take shape.

Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isn’t fashionable.

I realize that I am not a journalist. So anything I say is not important.

The truth is that Leon, like a lot of those-maybe everyone-who trips on acid, never really came back. he recovered but he was never the same guy again. He had lost something-innocence of hell. Acid presses a little button in your mind that should never be pressed

I didn't say no because between safety and adventure I choose adventure.