Brian Spellman Quotes

Dad got furious when we lied to him. No, Dad got furious then we lied to him.

A broken shoelace can strangle me.

My life is so bad that it's worse than it really is.

There's an ad for every vice. That's advice.

Billions of years before twelve step groups, God committed shotgun suicide. Today wall scrapings share His gratitude stories.

I finally decided what I want to be when I grow up - late.

They safely cured the world of sadness, wiser the Pfizer for it?

There is a meaning of life but I've been sworn to secrecy.

Kindness knows no kind.

I love objectivity when mine.

Where have you been all of your life?

Fifty percent of life is ninety percent indecisive. The rest is confusing.

Okay, you won our shitty little argument. Pass the world.

When to others it's not lying. It's privacy.

Ignorance is bliss. Wisdom is blisters.

A good night's sleep counts healthy sheep.

I say there is no darkness but ignorance," said William Shakespeare. How would he know, he knew everything?

My secret to maintaining a youthful appearance? Immaturity.

Don't stay in this now. You'll fall behind.

I can't answer you in a nutshell. We wouldn't fit unless we saw the same shrink.

I forgot what I was going to think.

Spare the rod and spoil the Memorial Day rotisserie.

I'm all groan up in America.

Ultimate meaning is meaningless. Meaning meaning means everything else.

If you sense so badly that you also sense a need to make me sense that, then I sense sadly that you cannot make better sense ... sadder still if you cannot sense my sincerity.

Our atheist thoughts go out to his family following their loss.

First, let me finish. Then interrupt.

I can't prove it yet know it when I seem it.

Nostalgia was never what it used to be.

Dreams don't come true, they are true.

I was accused of always acting superior. Always means being, not acting.

Our archaeological ancestry lost hair while growing sweat glands to reduce panting in the hot African sun. One outcome evolved the origin of our speech. Another conquered our ability to shut the hell up and listen. Now? Politicians grunting "On the Origin of Speeches" past one another.

If life was fair ... one third of the people would comprise of judges and lawyers ... one third of police and prison officials ... and one third of legislators ... and one third more to make the other three thirds make any sense at all .... Thank goodness for no fair.

The fine line between genius and madness is a punch line. Duck, you idiot!

I overreacted to praise, signing an autograph. I'd write a check to buy it back.

Objects in the mirror are closer than they appear so don't look and they'll stay farther away than you expect they would.

It's no longer time to take sides for or against race, rather sides against those who still do.

I learned to smile, avoiding happiness advice.

I hate feeling hate but feeling nothing feels worse.

I awoke to a daymare. Life.

Life is short unless agony is long.

All porn stars on Animal Farm are equal but some porn scenes are more unequal than others.

I recovered from recovering so no longer celebrate not doing bad things to defend myself as good. I added new bad for good measure.

Self talk and self prayer: When you audible the first and correctly interpret, the white coats correct you in a nuthouse. When you audible the second and misinterpret, the dinner coats swear you to an oath in the White House. Does this make you nuts too? Then outfit your sanity seeking political asylum at my house.

When all seems hopeless, cross your fingers and stick with the secular prayer.

Peace ain't worth fighting for.

If you want to commit suicide why tell anyone? They'd ruin everything.

With good morality first candidates you'll get bad candor, bad ethics, bad loyalty and bad morality - lastly bad odor will surface to save the day if you maintain good optimism like I do.

Honesty is the best insurance policy.

A bind is when you're quadriplegic, suicidal about that and unable to persuade your best friend to murder you.

I'm nostalgic for a better tomorrow.

I can't name just one example. Then there's only one.

Psychosis is person less persona, raving sincerity.

You can't stop a man from stopping himself.

He who laughs last laughs ... doesn't get it.

If the mind fits, shrink it.

The first casualty of war is casual wear.

I've been coerced into free will.

We contradict all for which we stand for we all stand for the lie the whole lie and nothing but the lie so help save our lying asses.

Months after my wrists ripping, a talk therapist referred to the act as self-hatred. Until then nobody had said this to me. Did everyone presume that I already knew so? People say it all the time. It’s safer to draw this conclusion. Throw in cowardice and you have an insulated public. I was not enraged at all. I was panic stricken. How could I hate myself for wanting to stop such physical sickness and terror? Mine was an act of caretaking, compassion, love. You cannot share this insight with therapists because they think such encourages recurrence. Have you ever stopped diarrhea with a prayer? If you have to go, you go. If you have to die, you die.