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At some point during my research, I came across the term “gender fluid.” Reading those words was a revelation. It was like someone tore a layer of gauze off the mirror, and I could see myself clearly for the first time. There was a name for what I was. It was a thing. Gender fluid. Sitting there in front of my computer–like I am right now–I knew I would never be the same. I could never go back to seeing it the old way; I could never go back to not knowing what I was.But did that glorious moment of revelation really change anything? I don’t know. Sometimes, I don’t think so. I may have a name for what I am now–but I’m just as confused and out of place as I was before. And if today is any indication, I’m still playing out that scene in the toy store–trying to pick the thing that will cause the least amount of drama. And not having much success.
