Justin Halpern Quotes

You worry too much. Eat some bacon...what? No, I got no idea if it'll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon.

Your penis betrayed you, son. Made you think stupid. It won't be the last time that happens.

I can't help but think about things critically. Sometimes it can be a curse. What I wouldn't give every once in a while to be a blithering idiot skipping through life with shit in my pants like it's a goddamned party.

You stand in front of an electric fence and whip your dick out to take a piss on it, it's pretty clear you're about to make a mistake. Other than that, you pretty much have no way of knowing.

If you work hard and study hard. And you fuck up. That's okay. If you fuck up and you fuck up, then you're a fuckup

Who's going to take care of it? You?. . . Son, you came in the house yesterday with sh*t on your hands. Humansh*t. I don't know how that happened, but if someone has shit on their hands, it's an indicator that maybe the whole responsibility thing isn't for them. -Dad

Advice is bullshit. It's just one asshole's opinion.

That woman was sexy. . . . Out of your league? Son, let women figure out why they won't screw you. Don't do it for them.