Steven Wright Quotes

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.

I'm writing a book. I'm almost finished. I numbered the pages. Now all I have to do is fill them in.

Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.

So I figured I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes: I really wasn't into meditating and she wasn't really into being alive. I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate has an expiration date.

Once I tried to kill myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier theywouldn't have to go so fast.

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.